Tuesday, December 14, 2004

yea!!!!!!!!

yea!!!!!

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hi all,

We had our meeting with our older sons group home and DSS, a service plan meeting.

Well, they all understand, they all agree with what we suggested,
and guess who is coming home on christmas?.....

we are so thrilled. even DSS (our enemy) agreed but wouuld like him to come for a visit first before the holiday and see if he regresses...which i understand and agree.

they will not increase our visits anymore...we get to see him once a week and our two phone calls a week....so ill live with that.

the group home really feels that his connection to us is really strong and that we will play an important part on his transition to a new family......

basically, like 'regular' kids, they learn to trust and feel safe by their parents to go out in the world which my son never experienced, so they are feeling like this could be an opportunity for him to feel safe with the transition to a new family

as for the new family...the group home was clear to DSS that he will need to have a family that could focus all their attention on him and that by placing him in a family that is 'clueless' will only set him up to fail again.

they all agree that he is not ready to be adopted at this point, and since we are all the family he has, we should remain and active in his case.

at the close of this meeting, the group home said "I wish he came to us the first time, he is such a great child and i think we could of helped him transition back to you...."

their goal is to try to get him off all his meds....not know, but soon.

the sad news is, they have been doing alot of tests with him and he was worse then we thought he was with the language processing issues.

they feel he doesnt understand much when he is spoken too. he just cant understand anything and he gets real frustrated...and tantrums out.

anyway, im feeling great....

he has not had to be restrained once...he has had mini tantrums, but not to the extent that we reported or the other grouphome or the hospital.....they feel the risperdol might be working

just wanted to let you know what was going on...i guess i didnt have to use my scare tactics (as i had rehearsed in my head over and over again of what i was going to say)

Friday, December 3, 2004

more issues

more issues

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as most know, my older son is now in a group home, he is not ready to be put up for adoption due to his issues.

he does have attachment issues, but has attached to us.

since he has been in the group home, they had limited our visits due to confusion that he might have.

well, they finally admitted yesterday that maybe this was not the best idea they had.

he is starting to act out, starting to smear his feces all over the walls, starting to urinate in the cornor of his room. (all RAD behaviors if you ask me)

he has never done anything like that before.

they said to be honest, they never had a family still want to be involved in a childs life after a disruption due to the guilt they feel.

i feel guilty, but i still want to be in the childs life. this is the first time they came across this.

he told his therapist that the only place in his whole life that he felt safe was with us and he doesnt want a new family and doesnt feel safe at the group home and he just wants to come home. he says he misses us.


i am so pist....we had this all planned out in the hospital...he was assured that we will still be there for him and we werent going anywhere no matter what....

but this new social worker comes along from the new DSS office, and decides in two hours at a meeting, whats best for him

well....it back fired....and my son has now payed a huge price for this. all the work we did, has just been wasted. how can he ever trust or attach again to anyone. why should he? everyone leaves...

i said, i understand why they feel he might be confused, but he is confused now...he goes to group home and we disappear...thats confusing to him also...no explanation, no nothing, just, were here, were gone.

yes, i can see if he came home for 'visits' that might be confusing too. but isnt it a better confusing.....at least he knows that soemone else hasnt abandoned him.

i rather him be confused on something positive then something negative.

i am so sick of people who do not know my son decide what is best...i have psych, his old dss office, and other professionals that have written letters, but they wont budge.

they are damaging my child and his actions are proving it.

now wonder why these kids get so messed up, they keep yanking them away without any reasons and blame us for it.

in order for people to have healthy attachments, they have to be giving a chance to have a heatlhy attachment. this is not a diffulcult concept.....

my son did this with us, he let us in, he trusted us (as much as he could) and we did alot of attachement stuff with him.....

to be only erased in a two hour discussion by this social worker.

i am so angry!!!!!!

we have a meeting on 12/14 and if they dont play by my rules (since they admit they never done this before) then i will pull out the guns. im tired of playing nice nice with these people, i have been dong it for a while. and if they give me crap, i will get a lawyer, my son has a write to see his brother.

now they are saying they are not putting him up for adoption just yet do to his new issues....well how the heck did he get these new issues?......i wonder...

so here we have a child, that has no family, is not up for getting a new family, but he has people that truly love him and want to help him and be there for him, but arent allowed to see or talk too that often because this will hurt him.

i must be missing something.

im pist, can you tell.......and i will fight like crazy to get him to have a visit with us on christmas.

sorry for venting....but this is what ive been dealing with the last few days.

when do the people who know him the best have a right to say what they feel will be good for him.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

im losing it

im losing it

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hi all,

i think im losing it over here....i seem to be having a harder time with my disruption of my son.....i thought it was suppose to get easier?....

my younger son is now looking at his brother pictures and says he really misses him and he wants him to come home.....he never even mentioned that much, but lately it seems to be really bothering him

my older son, is now having a real diffulcult time with getting a new family, he is always sad and says that he just wants to come home.

we both are just getting more depressed....

i know the holidays are coming and this is probably not helping maters much....but were sinking fast here.

i want him to come home!!!!!!!!!!!!

my younger son said to me last night "since 'N' cant come home, can I get another brother"...

i said "where will we get another brother from?"

and he said

"from a family that doesnt want them anymore"

i nearly died....does he think that his birth family just didnt want him anymore?

i said "well your birth family wanted you, they just couldnt take care of you, and we love you so much and we were able to take care of you and thats why you are with us now."

i know he truly loves us, and thats not the problem, but my problem is that he thinks that his birth family just didnt want him.

plus his foster mom, gave her 10day notice when she had him, before we got him, because she couldnt take care of him anymore, (hes not an easy child) and as wonderful as she was, im sure her 'burnt out' issues had to show...and wonder what he thought about that?

i dont know...maybe im thinking too hard........

just seems to be harder to deal with this...

Monday, November 8, 2004

are you ready to adopt a special needs child?

are you ready to adopt a special needs child?

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i wrote this for another thread, and i thought id give it special attention...more for the fun than anything else.

this is not to be taken too seriously, but not something to just ignore either.

we will call it 'questionaire for new parents looking into adopting special needs'

the reason for this thread, is that maybe we can all put down our own 'are you ready' questions.

weve all been there, and we have all ran into situations with our kids where we sat back and scratched our heads and said
"huh?"

it might be fun, we all have our own experience. It could be funny, or could be serious.....just those questions that you wish you might of been asked before your child came too you.

ok, my questionare are about serious issues, they are geared to children with RAD or ODD.....

we can keep it as lite and funny too (crick88, you better write something)

we all know birth and adoptive kids bring different things to the family...adoptive kids can bring some 'odd' things that we werent either prepared for, or understood, or even heard about.

so lets get those 'are you ready' questions out there....it could turn out to be real funny.

use your own real life situations...lets see what people come up

here we go:

questionaire for new parents interested in adopting special needs kids...


1. are you ready to be cursed out and or physically hit constantly by your child?

2. are you ready to clean up all the broken glass and then replacing all your windows with pexiglass, because your child loves the sound of broken glass?

3. are you ready to take anything that is important to you or valuable and seal them in a box and stick them in the attic till your child moves out, because they just wont be safe while your child is living there ?

4. are you ready to do away with the cozy warm feeling you get on christmas eve, when you look at your fire place...cant take the chance of having a fire in the house you know, oh, that goes for candles to?

5. are you ready to give up holidays with some family members because your child just cant handle the holidays plus you dont want to ruin your familys holiday, because you know already what your child can do with a nice piece of china?

6. are you ready to 'not bother going' on parent teacher conference meetings at school, because you already have been at the school three times that week, so whats the point in going?

7. are you ready to be assaulted and learn the proper way to restrain your child while they are kicking, biting and hitting you?

8. are you ready to get the phone calls daily to pick up your child from school due to behavior problems only to have to deal with them at home and this was suppose to be your time to just sit and breath, oh well, theres always tomorrow, how many times do you say that to yourself "always tomorrow", does tomorrow actually come?

9. are you ready to call an ambulance or police on your child because he/she needs to go to the hospital, yet again?

10. are you ready to not go on family vacations because your child isnt ready and may never be?

11. are you ready to be emabarressed everytime you bring your child out in public, because we all know our kids are masters of embarrising us?

12. are you ready to admit that you cant parent this child and you need professional help and find out that really no one knows how to treat your child?

13. are you ready to pay your childrens therapist losts of money, only to find out your educating them more on what your child needs?

14. are you ready to lose sleep, because you have to stay up everynight on the internet trying to figure out what medications do what and you cant do that while the child is awake because your either restraining them or waiting for them to explode, because after all, thats what they do?

15. are you ready to get to know the police on a first name basis?

16. are you ready to get the looks from others because they cant understand why your child acts that way, and it must be your fault?

17. are you ready for when your family pet gets killed and you find out your child has no remorse over it?

18. are you ready to put locks on all your doors, alarm system on your childs door so you know when she gets up at night so you can make sure she is safe and all those around her safe?

19. are you ready to drag her screaming to every possible test in the world that you can see that maybe the problem is organic, because there has to be another reason she acts this way?

20. are you ready to do all your housework at night when your child is asleep....laundry, dishes, etc but your so tired from the day, but it has to get done?

21. are you ready to watch your babysitter leave in tears, yet again, and say "oh well, we lost another one" and know it will take you months to find another one.

22. are you ready for your child to yell "I hate you" over and over again, but you know you didnt adopt this child so you can get love back, it was too help this child, because we all know, that they may never love you, but you knew that going into this, but sometimes the words hurt?

23. are you ready to give up alot of your friends, because they cant understand why this child takes so much of your time?

24. are you ready to sit with other parents and feel so isolated because this is not your life and you sometimes you wish it was?

25. are you ready to have your house turn into a war zone and you are detemined to win, even when you know you might not, but you wont give in, even if it takes many years?


and now the bonus question: this is the hardest part of all of this...hope you get it write.


26. are you ready to look in your childs eyes and say good bye to them, as you live them in a residential program because you know they needed more help then you could give them and then look at their empty room at night?


congratualaitons!!!!!!! if you answered yes to these questions , then you are ready to be a parent with special needs.....

Monday, October 25, 2004

photo!

photo!!!!!

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it hit me like a ton of bricks. they wanted me to drop off my sons health ins card and an updated photo.

why the photo? i asked

they said, they are putting him up for adoption track as soon as he gets to his new program today (the one we wanted)

i mean, i want him to have a new family, get on with his life, but i guess the photo just hit me hard. like this is really happening, i dont want to see him on some computer photo listing.....i am having so many feelings around this

we were also not invited to his intake at the new place because the new place said we are not his 'parents'

i guess thats the first time i heard that. just stab me in my heart. Even though i know this, i just had a hard time hearing it....i said we are the closest thing to his parents that he knows, so until he says we are not his parents, then we are....(i was nice about it)

everything all at once.....his therapist at the hospital felt it was important for us go (i do too) because we are the only family he knows...but they were clear that he needs to settle in without us.

i said when i go through major changes, i like people i know around me too support me, why cant a 8 yr old have the same kind of support.

i told them, that i told him, that he will never have to do anything alone, that i will always be there for him....i guess i lied to him, yet again.......

they disagreed with me.....im hoping they will at least let me see him tonight.

i dont know....i knew this was happening, but i guess its REALLY happening....

just feeling sad today.

plus, my little guy doing this all by himself breaks my heart.....

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

im clueless

im clueless

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hi all,

i need advice and i am truly at a stand still.

my younger son has been acting out alot at school...we have a meeting today to discuss his IEP and his acting out.

as most know, our older son, his bio sib has been disrupted due to behaviors but we are still in his life, in all accounts, still his family.

the whole family visits our older son each sunday for dinner.

heres what i am torn about...i realize that there is sibling regression after visits...

but could his acting out be because of these visits?...should i put the visits on hold for a little while? should i bring him maybe every other week vs every week?

when i tell him "today were going to visit 'N', he say she doesnt want to go, the drive is too long....

but im wondering if there is something else going on with him.

his therapist wants to wait a few more weeks and see how it goes, but i really dont think they are going to be many changes in his behavior.

i really am at a stand still...he knows his brother isnt coming back, but im not sure if these visits are confusing him. we have talked to him, but the regression, especially on mondays, after the sunday visit, are getting more and more diffulcult.

i had chalked it up as just being a monday, but now im wondering....

any ideas or suggestions...

Monday, October 18, 2004

hitting and kicking

hitting and kicking

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hi all,

well, my 6 yr old child is having some problems at school. It has been reported that he has been hitting and kicking other kids for no apparent reason.

october is tough for him anyway, he was removed from birth mom on holloween and his birth mom tried to scare them with witches, owls, and the devil. So there are alot of those hanging up for holloween.

this is no excuse, but i have no idea on how to stop it. I understand that this time of year is hard for him, and i do have empathy.....but its still no excuse.

today he wouldnt go on the bus, he says he hates school but doesnt know why.

also, he gets mad at me when i pick him up early from school, because he says i pick him up to early and he wants to stay at school and have fun.

so i know he DOES like it, he just gets in the moods.

the principle wants a meeting on wednesday to discuss this and i have no idea what to do.

i talked to his pscyh and she said for us to give him the clonidine during the day as well as at night.

so i gave him the clonidine on saturday, 1/4 of it,(very small dose) and he was so zombied out that it was hard to watch. He wasnt talking, just going through the day.

yes, he is more calmer, but hes so lathargic that i dont want to put him on it so i didnt give it to him on sunday or today.

anyway, i threw alot out there.

how do prevent the hitting and kicking other kids? He is a little hyper and he doesnt think before he acts.

basically, if we get a report from school, then his bike goes in time out for the day....(he loves his bike).

but it doesnt seem to be working.

he doesnt do it everyday, maybe 2-3 times a week.

i know some out there had these issues before, how do you stop it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2004

yea!!!!!!

yea!!!!

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well, good news and bad...they are seeing my sons issues, as most know...and they finally are getting a 'rogers' ready for court for him so he can go on a anti-psycotic.

they stated what we had been saying for 2 yrs now, that when he gets in that state, there is nothing that can be done about it...

they are lookng into scizophrenia also, becuase he says he does hear things and sees things....we knew this, but everyone said that its due to truama....

they said clearly he has PTSD and a language processing issues, but they are looking into other things due to how responds to certain things.

they called it 'psychotic states'....they feel that he goes into these psychotic states but they are not clear on what causes it due to his age.

the doctor did give him zyprexia once due to they just couldnt control him....and it seemed to calm him down, but they are not saying it was the zyprexia, but they are not discounting it either.

anyway, im glad they are finally listening to us, and understanding that his behaviors are just not normal...

the fact that he is only 8, leaves them unable to dx, but they are now willing to try things.

its been a long hard road for this child...im hoping they can help him so he can have some sort of peace from the demons in his head...

now my new fight....they may place my son in the group home that he was in when he was with us...i promised him that he wouldnt have to go to that place again....thats when he was living with us...

it all falls on DSS now....its an awful place...even santa didnt come at the christmas party.....he was suppose too...but didnt make it....too bad kiddies...maybe next year...

dont get me started on that....

and how many times does the staff yell at these kids...every time ive been there...i cant imagine whats it like if a parent isnt there......

they found a good place for him, which is closer to our house...but the list is long...so they will have to see...they feel that his old group home knows him and that will be good....

which i know it wont be good...

after my son had breakdowns...or should i say 'psycotic states'...he begged me not to bring him too that group home

im going to call his GAL and see if she/he will listen to us.......he just cant go back there!!!!!! it will be the worst thing for him.

anyway...theres the good and the bad.....the struggles continues...

Friday, October 1, 2004

is it me?

is it me?

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ok...im pissed again......my son had his class pictures yesterday.....you know the ones im talking about.

well, we put his check in the little envelope, they need it on the day of pictures, and when he came home, the check was still in the back pack.

i went to parent-teacher conference last night and asked why my son had come home with the check...i thought they needed it for the day of pictures.

she said "they do, i checked all the kids backpacks but couldnt find my sons"

she said "i will call and see if there is anything we can do"

at first i wanted to yell.....because not only was the check in his backpack...i had a big thick envelope addressed to the nurse with his medical stuff in it...there is no way she could of missed that envelope....that was still in his backpack too when he got home.

i think she just forgot to look in my sons backpack.

so, hopefully they can do something......i dont want to see his face on the day all the kids get their pictures and my son is sitting there not getting his......

could we just getta a break here....

maybe its me...maybe im expecting too much....do others have these constant 'mistakes'.......and im just over sensitive....or are these things just happening to us and my kids....

i need a break...

Thursday, September 30, 2004

lawyers

lawyers

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hi all,

ill try to make this quick....as most of you know, we are preadoptive parents of two boys.

they have been with us for over 2 yrs....we decided due to our older sons issues, that we werent going to legalize like most within the six month trial period.

we wanted to make sure he was getting all the services that he needed.

they have been pushing (not to hard) for us to legalize our younger son but we wanted to hold off on him too because i cant imagine how our older son would of reacted had we only adopted his brother and not him...

well, as you know, due to our older sons issues, we had too disrupt the adoption and we are full swing ahead on legalizing our younger one now.

i got a call from our childrens social worker who said that she went to court and talked to our kids lawyer.

he stated that he wants to meet the kids and see what we are like....she told me that she has no idea why he wants to do this and she is just giving us a heads up that he might be calling.

do i need to be concerned with this? has this ever happened to anyone?

i know he will see a loving family so im not concerned with that....i think...but she doesnt know and of course we dont know, why he wants to see us.

has this ever happened to anyone? just freaking out over here.

Monday, September 20, 2004

birth mother

birth mom

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hi all,

i am acutally wondering what to do....

I just found out where my childrens birth mom lives...we have never met her, i do have an old picture of her, but thats it.

she lives about 1 1/2 hours away.......

well, i guess you figured out where my mind is going.

i want to drive down to see what she looks like in person...not to talk, or even be noticed...just kinda get a glimpse then be on my way.

basically i want to see what my childrens birth mom looks like....

i even printed out the directions on map quest....

i feel like a stalker, but i just want a glimps, she is my kids birthmom....

do i sound like a whaco?......what would other do?....

ive always been curious but never had an address and never tried to track her down or anything...but now i have an address and my curiosity is getting worse.

has anyone felt like this?....has anyone did this?....after seeing it written down, it sounds like im deranged....but i just want a glimpse.

Thursday, September 2, 2004

todays the day

todays the day

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i just got a message last night to tell me that they are telling my son that he wont be returning home.

i just want to hold him when they give him the news, but i cant.

its killing me.....didnt sleep at all last night thinking about it...i hope they know what they are doing....I just felt like calling them and saying...."please..your making a terrible mistake, put him on the risperdol and let him come home in case it works...." but they wont..they made up their minds...this stinks!!!!!

yesterday i brought my younger son to his orientation of kindgerten...he was so nervous....

of course when we got there...all the chairs and tables were taking where the kids are making a drawing....so we had to go to the back of the room, where a table was without the crayons and paper and sit and wait......i felt like such an outsider.

the teacher was going around taking pictures of the kids, individual to put up on the board...but my son didnt want his picture taken....he had his shy face on...

then as the time went on...i got him coloring and trying to get him involved....we stayed while other parents and their kids left....i just wanted him to feel comfortable..and i thought that with less people in the room, he could take it all in...

then, he finally agreed to get his picture taken..so we went up to the teacher and I said that he is ready to take his picture now...

I wasnt pushing the picture on him, i just didnt want him left out...(my issue probably.)

when she took the picture....she said "oppppssss,,,out of film..sorry...can you bring in a picture of him tomorrow...."

i was so angry...how can you run out of film...so today...guess what?...my son stands out again...all the kids have a picture of themselves from an automatic camera on their first day of school and my son has a regular picture of him, surronded by pumpkins in a pumpkin patch from last october......

i feel my kids just cant get a break....i know it seems like a little thing, as im sure his teacher thought it was no big deal...im sure my son didnt even give it a second thought.....

why do i feel so lousey inside when it comes to my kids...why cant we just have a day like every other family?

why cant my kids just get a break...

im obviously a little sensitive today....

anyway, just thought id vent...

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

how do you deal

how do you deal?

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how does anyone deal with the loss of a child that you loved and cared for and did everything possible to have a childhood that he missed out on and then come to realize that he might never have one?

how do you deal with every morning going in his room and feeding his little goldfish...the fish that he loved so much?

HOw do you deal with looking at his art work that says 'to daddy, i love you'

how do you deal with looking at all the broken toys in his rooms and wonder which ones should you pack for him?

how do you deal with looking at all the pictures of the two kids together around your house?

how do you deal with looking at his spiderman collection because he loved to dress up as spideman and jump and run all around the house..which at times you hated that costum but now you realized how wonderful it was to see him run and jump like every other kid?

HOw do you deal with looking at his bicylcle outside and he is not riding it?

HOw do you deal with looking at his empty bed?

HOw do you deal with the phone calls and he says "i love you daddy...when am i coming home?"

how do you deal with the 'what ifs'? God i have a million of them

sorry, just feeling real sad today...DSS and the hospital are discussing placement for him....the hospital says 'group home' DSS says 'theraputic foster home'

we say 'theraputic foster home' because i dont want him institutionalized and alot of other reasons which i wont go into now...but its not up to us anymore....

i am so full of emotions right now from anger to sadness.....im still in some sort of denial, i know. it hasnt fully set in....

life is just not fair....its not fair that an adorable sweet 8 yr old boy, has to be in this much pain.

its not fair that he has to leave our family, the family that he came to believe was his 'forever family'....

how can people deal with this kind of pain?

sorry, just venting....just feeling very sad today....ive been avoiding this forum lately, kinda just lurking around, because i feel like i have nothing left to say.....

adoption is just plan sad...sadness where ever you look, there are just too many losses for these children.

can they ever heal?....

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

sad day

sad day

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well, i talked to DSS about their meeting and they feel that even with the risperdol that our history with our son wont change much.

their concern is that we have had such a hard time that even if he does repsond to the meds, that it wont be enough for us to feel like we can handle it.

they said that if we do take him back and the risperdol doesnt work, then the child will look at this as yet another failure (meaning, if we have to bring him back to the hospital)

i said that moving him on he will see it as a failure anyway and i feel that he will take this as more of a failure.

to make a long story short, they basically feel that the child should not live in our home with his brother.

because what 'IF' he is truama reactive then it just isnt fair for the boys to be together.

anyway, just want to bring you up to date.....we will act 'as if' while we visit our son.

i cant imagine how these two boys are going to take it.

my little one, is talking more then he has in a long time, but now im afraid he is regressing some...he keeps talking baby talk...i thought we went through that phase already...but what the heck....plus he is doing things to get our attention all the time.....making wrong choices to test us....

anyway, thanks for the ongoing support, i just hope they know what is best for my son, because at this point, i dont....

Thursday, August 19, 2004

advice please: risperdol

advise please re: risperdol

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again thanks everyone for all the support, but now im real angry.......

we went to the meeting yesterday regarding my older son. as we been discussing when and how to tell him about the disruption we started to talk about his treatment.

since we had him, after every hospital and RTC they discharge him and tell us that we need to look too put him on risperdol.

i have always advocated for them to try it when he has been admitted, but they are reluctant to do it, but say we should try this.

so here we are at this meeting, and after all is said and done, they said they are going to ween him some of his meds and put him on risperdol.

i got so angry!!!!!.......i actually blew up.....I asked what risperdol actually does and she said "kids with PTSD and explosive behaviors, the risperdol helps them to process the information better before exploding....."

example...as it is now "can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NOOOO, you cant tell me what to do!!!!!"

"then you cant ride your bike...."

FULL blown anger tantrum....

apparently with risperdol......

"can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NO"

"you need to put your helmet on so you can be safe"

then at this point he might be able to understand what i am saying to him, becuase his brain will be slowed down...

(hope im making sence)

anyway....i said..."so here we are, removing him from our house, due to his explosive behaviors, and your telling me that your going to give him a drug that MIGHT help him with his explosive behaviors....isnt that what we have been asking all along"

they kept saying that it MIGHT help him, there is no guarentee...i kept saying..."well, if it might help him, then can we see first what it does so he doesnt have to be removed"

they said they dont think that could happen due to our history with him....

i understand what they are saying, i understand alot..but i dont see why we cant put off telling him for a while until we see if the risperdol works at all. only because this child does view us as his forever family (i told him that enough)

sorry for venting...we went to this meeting to come up with a plan for him because our decision is too disrupt and how this will all look...and then they tell us that they are going to put him on this medication that i have been advocating for since we had him which MIGHT help him slow his brain down so he can process the information that we are giving him.

so, heres my question...has anyone seen a major change in some of these kids on risperdol?

has risperdol really helped? i do feel my child might be bipolar, his birth mother was.

DSS said that they dont know if we can do it..they said he might look really good but still not be able to live in our family, which is fine...but should we just give this one more shot...

or am i setting us all too fail again, or am i living in a fantasy with the hope that this drug will help curve his anger enough to live with us...

please respond, i really need some advise here, they need to know.....

i want to look at everything....

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

6 days of hell

6 days of hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well,

here we go again, our 8 yr old over the last 6 days have been increasingly getting worse.

the definace, the anger, the tantrums....its all getting way too much again.

we were doing pretty good for a while. he started a mood stablizer about 2 weeks ago, not sure if that has anything to do with it.

plus were moving, and even though the kids seem excited, i wonder how they are internalizing it. we try to explain we are all moving together and they seem fine with it and excited.

plus, we found respite, yeaaa..(i think), and we went for the day to meet them, and when we met them the kids went crazy..not sure if they thought this was going to be their new family or not..again, we try to explain but not sure what they are really feeling.

we had to call the BEST team monday night, (which is a pysh Emergency team, that actually come to your house) because he just wasnt stopping with the homicidal and sucidal threats and we were getting worried

but here we go again, the battles, battles, battles.

does it ever stop?

and as for my 6 yr old...well, when the 8 yr old is having a hard time, he becomes the best little boy in the world...which of course, makes it easier for us to deal with the 8 yr old) however...i dont like either....(if you saw him, you will understand)...kids arent suppose behave all the time....its painful to watch.

anyway, just thought id put this out there, we are starting to video tape these tantrums again, to have some back up in case we need it....

sometimes it feels like it will never end...

Friday, June 25, 2004

wizard of oz

wizard of oz

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

i found this and thought id share it with you...ive been getting alot of stuff lately....

but its a story of hope...and sometimes, on those certain days when we just cant go on anymore...we manage to hold on to the hope...

hope you enjoy:

'The wizard of oz'

The life we chose is unlike that of friends and other families. At our time of choosing though, our hopes and dreams of family life could never have included the reality of the intensity and duration of the complicated tasks required of
us, never mind the frustration and exhaustion. This is a job beyond parenting.


It is a bit like Dorothy must have felt - caught up in a terrifying tornado,
plopped in a strange land and setting off on the Yellow Brick Road -
sure of
where she wanted to be, yet not sure of how to get there or even where she
was.

Oh, for a few moments of rest in that sea of poppies...!

But like Dorothy, we have found good company - fellow travelers with Heart,
Brains and most of all, abounding Courage. Like many others who have traveled to
OZ and despaired when we found no Wizard to fix it all, I have learned that
"commitment does sustain us."

Our children have such a difficult road of their own to follow. Their road is
darker in color and paved with irregular stones instead of bright yellow bricks.
Sometimes their road will circle and loop and twist back around, mazelike,
before they reach the gates of the Emerald City and they step into the ruby
slippers that will bring them back home.


I have actually found my way back to the farm in Kansas. Life is pretty close to
what I dreamed it would be those many years ago. My children are children no
longer. They have become adults whom I love and like. Adults with whom I share
history and memories that make us shake with laughter and shudder with the
remembering. I feel respected and am the recipient of thoughtfulness and
consideration.

So, for all of you still traveling the road, or those
feeling like dorothy from the ‘Wizard of Oz’ , "I am everywhere, but...I am
invisible"... take care of yourself in the best ways that you can. Keep showing
up. Keep staying in place. Remember what Dorothy learned - the road was made
more bearable with friends who shared their dreams.

Monday, June 21, 2004

setting limits

setting limits

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

setting limits

setting limits

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

Friday, June 18, 2004

can you believe it?

can u believe it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, whos a proud dad today?...me thats who!!!

my 8 yr old sons school called the other day and said they were having a little party to end the school year and wanted to know if i can make it. they said they will be handing out awards to the kids and stuff.

so of course i said ill be there, to be honest, dredging it...another day where i have to leave work early.

but you gotta do what you gotta do...

plus, it would give me the opportunity to say thank you to his teacher and sped teachers, they really worked well with him and since we were moving i formally wanted to buy them a little gift and thank them for all the hard work they did with my son.

so i brought the camera, click click click....get those pictures for his life book of all his teachers...lol

ok, moving on..now comes the awards for the kids...well, im assuming all the kids were going to get an award....but only 5 of them got on.

well, guess what...my son got one....i couldnt believe it...click click click goes the camera.

he got it for excellence in math/geometric solds A master builder...(whatever that means...lol)

but i was so proud!!!!! so of course i ran to the nearest store and got a frame for it...lol

anyway, just thought id share it with you all. i am a proud dad today...

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

we finally told them

we finally told them

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi guys,

it feels like a long time since ive been on...so i have a few updates to report..all positive.

first, we finally told our sons about their brothers. we told them in a "guess what? we have great news..." kinda way.

they were both thrilled. we did tell them that their baby brother was still with birthmom and my older son said "is he going to die?"

we assured him that there were people looking out and not to worry.

we brought our boys to visit their 3 yr old brother, who was adopted in another family already, and that turned out great.

there came a point when the little guy kept reaching out to my older son to pick him up...so he did... ..it amazed me how careful he was with him but just the fact he opened his arms to let his younger brother climb on him brought a tear to my eye. just to watch my older son be so gentle and loving, was amazing to me.

the boys adoptive mom said "wow, he has never done that to anyone"

maybe there is some biological thing that happens with siblings, i dont know, but this little guy just loved climbing on him.

it was a great day and all the kids had a great time...there were 6 boys...ages 3 - 9 ...so needless to say, it was high energy afternoon.

the adoptive mom has 3 bio boys...her hands were pretty full.

anyway...pictures pictures pictures...you know how that goes.

so now we have no more secrets, the boys know everything, the last secret we had was about their brothers.....

my younger son was thrilled also, but then went onto other things....they even look alike....my older son picked up on that pretty quick...

now, on to some more news....

we finally got to meet, the RTC and DSS and everyone agrees that we would be the perfect family for our older son...the RTC, which have been our greatest advocates up to this point, were stating to DSS that they will be coming up with a wrap-around service plan for us and our son and that they will be paying for it.

so the next three months, we will be discussing all the support that we will need in place before our son comes home, and that a 24 hour hotline to the RTC (which they have) will be part of it...so if he starts up with his issues, at any time, we could call and they can come and help....

they said that he will probably be in and out of resiendential for a very long time, and they will be there so he knows who they are and what to expect.

they always keep two beds open for respite, so all we have to do is call, and he can even stay a full weekened if we need just take a couple of days to breath.

they have noticed great improvments, as do we, but they said there will be some time when he will need to go back to them...

they will be doing sibling therapy, therapy in the home, having people come over to help with the kids...blah blah blah....

they want to keep him in school with them and they will get our town to pay for it.

it all just seems so hard to believe.

i know deep down that if we didnt disrupt, that our son would still be in limbo...as much as i hated the fact they didnt listen to me a while ago about his medications.....at least now he is getting the services he needs and we are not CRAZY or we wernt able to parent him because we didnt know what we were doing.

the RTC who has had him for this long, said there would be no parents to parent him without help. So that made us feel a little better.

this RTC is big on the RAD/PTSD stuff, and they said though he does have an "anxious attachment" he does not have RAD, it is very clear to them that he defintly has attached to us, and that he can attach.

his language processing issues are so severe that he just gets so easily frustrated because he just doesnt understand what is being asked or even for him to 'find his words'.

they really are not sure on some of his other issues...if you met him, you would know what i mean...he does have some odd behaviors, like wearing his clothes backwards, not because of his SI stuff believe it or not, he just doesnt even realize it....

it is actually one of his most endearing qualities, because he just doesnt know certain things...as much as you tell him, he still doesnt quite get it.

anyway, i went on and on....i just thought id give a quick update.

were moving

were moving

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, this is it....our crazy clan are leaving boston and moving to framingham.....

our house is under agreement and we put our new house under agreement.

does anyone know about the schools in framingham? i have done alot of research, but i would love input from people who are real familiar with framingham schools and their SPED programs.

i feel it took so long to get my kids all the services in boston, and i dont want to start all over again.....looking for shortcuts..lol

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

can it really be true?

can it really be true?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

well, its been crazy with the boys....

our older son seems to be settling in nicely.

the other day, i was sitting watching the boys fight. yes, thats write, fighting...

THey have been fighting alot over the last couple of weeks. weather it be toys, TV station...whatever.

they will start playing nice, then all of a sudden, come those scretching voices......"DADDY!!!!.......so and so hit me, so and so kicked me, so and so took my toy, so and so broke my toy.."

it just never ends....

anyway, so there i was watching them, kicking and screaming for me.......all of a sudden, it hit me...

my god, they are BROTHERS!!!!!

could it be true....could it be that things are normalizing a little. I know it sounds weird, but i think my boys, are becoming boys.....

anyway, is this what parenting of siblings is...breaking up the fights....lol

just thought id share that

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

ahhhh!!!!!!!! school problems

AHHH!!!!!!! school problems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok...im just venting....my son just got out of a group home and came to live with us on friday....

one of the requirements that we had, was that he attend an afterschool program. I work full time and need my job in order to have a roof over our heads...

well, i found a great program....i mean great!!!!

we have been on the waiting list, and i finally got him a slot and he started yesterday...HE LOVES IT!!!!

i am so happy....but the peace that is missing, is that he needs transportation there.

I jsut got the call today from the public school, whch he attends, and they said they tried everything, but the school transportation is refusing to bring him there. they said it was out of zone..which i understand...

i tried to explain the importance of this program for him....he is 8 and still is in 1sat grade and hasnt gotten grades to even enter 2nd grade, due to all the problems he has had.

I AM SO ANGRY!!!

can this kid get a break anywhere....every thing this kid needs, i had too jump through 20 hoops just for thing....

i get so made..i work with the justice dept....my clients are drug addicts who are/or were incarcerated....

i can get them services, income, housing...everything they possilbe need...but i cant get an 8 yr old child anything.....

there is something terrible wrong with this country...

i called our mayors office....i am just about ready to explode....

sorry, but i need to vent...well, back on the phone again to call some more people....

i will keep calling to get him what he need....but when it could just be a request of service and he gets the service, i am freaking sick of all this bull crap....

hey, the state took him, the state should pay for this kid to get services

sorry to vent...but i think i had enough of these walls...

oh, here is the clincher....the bus company said to me "well, maybe you can bring him back to the group home until school is over,this way we can give him the transportation because its in the same town...."

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING..... this is a child....not just some inconvience

Monday, April 26, 2004

pull ups now?

pull ups, now?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi,

ok....im baffled.

our 8 yr old has moved back in, and i posted this on another thread.

he has been bedwetting over the last month. he stopped doing it for a while, and the guy has been through so much in the last few months that i have not made an issue of this.

I still wont make an issue of this....so please dont post on how i should stop him...i dont care if he does.

but here is what i am asking....

is it ok to ask him to wear a pullup? or will that just crush him.

usually, i get him up in the night to go, only to find he peed everywhere, so he takes his sheets and puts them in his hamper in his room...we get cleaned up and he goes back to bed after i make his bed again.

is pull ups just too much for an 8 yr ld boy? he has not been wearing them for a while now.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

could it be true

could it be true?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

id just like to share something that i found so remarkable for my son.

last weekend we brought our sons to go kite flying at the beach. these kites soared through the air and we all had a great time..

well, the other day when my older son was over...i looked through his bookbag to see if he had any homework that he needed to get done. homework is not really a prioty to him, and he wouldnt even think about it unless i went through his bag.

anway, while i was looking, i stumbled on this piece of paper, it must of been a class project or something....he drew a picture of four people flying kites...

and he wrote:

"this is a picture of me and my family at the ocean flying kites. It was a fun day for all of us. "

i nearly died.....he has no idea why i hung it up...but i think he is getting that we are his 'forever family' now.....baby steps..write?

i know it doesnt seem much to alot of people, but it meant the world to us..

Monday, April 5, 2004

bedwetting

bedwetting

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

well, as most of you know, my older son is finally getting ready to come home....we have been doing alot of sleepovers and dinners and stuff, though still rocky, seems much better then he was.

however, over the last few weeks, he has been peeing at night in our home as well as the group home. the odd thing is, his night terrors has stopped and the bedwetting started...

I usually take him to the bathroom before i go to bed, but it doesnt seem to help like it use to.

he feels real bad about it and doesnt know why it is happening.

here is my question, i am thinking that he is real nervous coming home again and all that goes with it.

He appears to feel real bad about it, and it doesnt appear that he is doing this on purpose. He has tried to cover it up by pulling his sheets off his bed and throwing them in the hamper, but then he sleeps on the mattress.

i know there are different opinions on wet bedding, but im willing to listen.

part of me thinks i should just ignore it, put clean sheets in his room and dont talk about it...

then the other part of me, which i did, is discuss it a little, with no shame attached, and just kinda made his bed with new sheets.

im pretty set on not making this an issue write now, but just looking for some others with some experience with this kind of situation.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

respite?

respite?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

well, im pooped....lol. We have adopted two boys with 'some'
issues. Had them for about 1 1/2 yrs now.

we are from hyde park in Boston, and looking for play dates, respite, or just hang out with other adults with special needs kids. Just let the kids go crazy in a park, where we can sit and breath and maybe have a cup of coffee...lol.

Is that asking to much?....

our kids have just turned 6 and 8. We dont care if your gay,
lesbian, straight, single....we just need a break now and
then!!!!....lol.

IM sure there are others that can use a break too.

i know its an odd request, especially from the internet, but we cant seem to find any thing. will you be our friend?.....lol

im sure there are other people out there in the same situation. My kids are great...honestly.....lol.

seriously, just looking for others in somewhat of the same situation we are in.

I belong to an AFT support group, but mostly their kids
are older or younger, or girls. my younger one doesnt like the girls yet....lol

anyway, id just throw that request out there.

also, does anyone know where to get a babysitter from? I know it sounds weird, but we cant find one. we have our single friends
babysit sometimes, but im looking for someone more consistant.

I put an ad on the BU internet, but i havnt gotten a bite. Any ideas?

We need a break....its been a while.....lol

we are not crazy people, well, it depends on who you ask...

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

medication question

medication question

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as most know, my son was put on cylexa. however, the insurance wouldnt cover that, so they switched it to luvox.

i started him on it saturday night (its suppose to given before bed) so yesterday, tuesday, he had a little issue at preschool, throwing his pretzels around and then at the teacher.

then at night, he tantrumed for about 45 minutes because i didnt let him watch his favorite tv show (every show is his favorite)

he has been snapping more then usual with "i hate you" "youre mean" "i dont love you anymore"

He says these alot, but it has been constant the last couple of days.

however, he falls asleep easier and get up with no problems at all, where before we would have to drag him out of bed because he went to bed so late.

heres my question, could these be side effect after a couple of days, i know they say wait two weeks. Or is it just him being him and it was just a bad day which he has had in the past.

any idea? I might be looking to hard around side effects.

Sunday, February 22, 2004

update

update

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

just thought id give you an update on my older son. well, our visit didnt go so well today.

i decided to take them to the movies. He asked if he can play videos and then have play time.

i told him that there was no time for videos, but after the movie, we can have play time.

well, that ended up being a 20 min screaming match...only on his part......i just sat there.

then after the movie, i brought him home and told him we only had 15 min of play time because i had to bring him back. He went in his room to look for toys and couldnt find anything to play with. Then i said from the other room "you have 8 minutes left..."

then he started yelling again.

I told him to relax, and he is running out of time.....then he said "NO!!! ill leave when im ready and shut up!!" He did the "I hate you" stuff...

then i calmed him down and brought him back. Not really sure what happened. He gets in this mind set....and doesnt seem to be able to get out of it.

i ended up picking him up and sitting him on my knee and talked to him, and he calmed down...

but the kid just told me to shut up and i am picking him up and hugging him.......'attachment issue'

i dont know...sad day here, it was going so well for a while. He will be doing a sleep over next weekend. maybe he is nervous about it, but i dont think thats it.

Monday, February 16, 2004

cylexa-medication

cylexa-medication

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



yesterday, my sons psych put him on an anti-depressant called cylexa....10 mg

everyone from his teacher to his therapist have stated that they feel he needs to be on something because he is so anxious.

his psych also felt that he was depressed.

has anyone out there had their child on this med? I looked up the side effects, but it was adult based......anything i should be looking for?

Friday, February 13, 2004

got to love 'em

got to love 'em...update

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, yesterday was my first school field trip....AHHHHH!!!!

I got a call from my older sons teacher. she asked if it was ok to bring him on the field trip (most know why she would ask me...lol)

anyway, i said, sure, i think he will be fine. I told her things to look out for, and blah blah blah...but then i told her, "you know what, he has never had a problem in school, so im not to worried about him going"

they were going to the aquirium and she was concerned because of the 'dark places'. I told her he was there already, i brought him once before so he is familiar with it and it wasnt a issue.

then, in a hestitant voice, she said "well, i was thinking that maybe you would want to come and keep an eye on him.."....lol

I had to cancel all my work crap, and off to the field trip i go....

it was real interesting to see my son in school. I got to his class early, before we were going and just watched him interact with the other kids and how he listened to the teacher.

I kinda got a little sad, just watching him. you know when your just sitting there and then all of sudden you get a flood of emotions coming at you as you watch them play or something.....lol.

anyway, I kept thinking of all the horrible stuff, just looking at him. Thinking all the abuse, he is in a group home....etc. He will never be like any other kid.....i just got so sad......

He listened to the teacher, he went on the rug to hear the story, raised his hand when he was supposed to. He was so quiet and shy....

he kept looking at me across the room, made sure i was in eye shot of him and he just kept smiling and saying, "thats my dad over there"

then when the kids were getting ready, he ran to me and pulled out a vlantines day card and said "here daddy, i made you a valentines day card because i love you...." I nearly started bawling but i didnt. It was a real nice card too....lol

anyway, i was in charge of 4 kids, including my own....lol. I thought i was only going to keep my eye on my kid.....lol.

the teachers kept laughing at me and saying "your going to be tired tonight...lol" they were very supportive.

we got on the bus, he wanted to sit next to me and he wanted to sleep in my lap and me rub his back.....(under the shirt)...i was like....oh, god, not now.......here i am with my kid on the bus and all the kids are all talking to each other and i got my kid laying on my lap and me rubbing his back....(he just aint normal.....)

we had a great time, and the kids said i was the best chaperon they ever had, until..........i didnt buy them sovenirs......lol.

oh well, i was the best for a little while......

then i took my child home and we all had a family dinner and had a great visit......however, he is still trying to be the best little boy for us. its so sad that he thinks he has to be perfect to come home, no matter how many times we talk to him about it..

i actually enjoyed going on the field trip, plus i think it made my sons day that i came......

Tuesday, February 10, 2004

transitions

transitions

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Im clueless.....

my 6 yr old has major transitonal problems, like im sure some of our kids out there do, but how do you handle it.

Heres my situatition.....just want to point out, it might be more my issue then my childs, i think......

ok, here i go. heres the scenario:

i pick him up at school, he runs into my arms and is happy to see me, he cant wait to go home. He puts on his coat then we walk out the door, ...then comes......:


"daddy, im going to take the secret way to the car"

"ok son, for one minute because we have to leave.."

then he walks on the banks of snow, kicking the snow.

tick tock tick tock....2 minutes later, but there i wait as i watch other parents come and go with their 'normal' kids (lol) as they hop write in the car with no problems and off they go.

"ok, its time to go, we need to go so i can make dinner, plus all the kids are going home now"

"ok daddy..but first i need to break through the snow and make a passage way...."

"ok, 1 minute then we gotta go" kick the snow, kick the snow.....

tick tock tick tock.....as i say to myself....hurry up..hurry up,,,,God do i have to go to the bathroom....hurry up

"c'mon, we gotta go..." me
"ok, ok, one minute...." son
"we really got to go...." me
then i walk over to pick him up, he screams, then says "ok ok,".

then he hopes in the car.........

off we go..........

now, what do i do with this?...i really dont know.

things i do know:
1 my son has trouble with transitions and he likes to be for- warned before any transition so i let him play

2. whos it hurting anyway that he is playing? its usually me in a rush to go home after work. so is it my issue or his?

3. is this a control issue and im falling for it...letting him do what he wants to do....and thats not good?

just asking out there, im sure others have run into this.

id like to point out, that I am not big on taking ALL control away from my children... so im just wondering how others deal with this...for all i know, this could be common in biokids also and im thinking to much.

or should i just say:

"hey, get in the car...OK, thats long enough......go ahead..do it again! do it again!!"........(only kidding)

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

fire starter

fire starter

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hi,

my five year old, i think, is obseesed with fire. I know with kids with attachment issues, this is common.

Before we got him, he did have a 'fire starter' eval and the doctor felt that he didnt have an issue, but he was deemed to young to get a sence

But he does seem obsessed with it, not all the time, but likes to watch fire on TV. He face lights up. "daddy, look,a fire"

the only thing he remembered about bambi, was when the forest caught fire, not that mom died....

in the summer, we had the barbecue on and he went running to look at the fire. Both kids did, but the younger guy seeemed more interested in it.

Around christmas time, i had a candle buring in the living room and he was so excited. He just looked at it and asked to blow it because he said it makes him nervous, but i think he just likes to blow them out

He brings 'fire' up every once in a while, but its not often, but when it happens, you can sort of see a gleam in his eyes.

He has no desire to play with fire trucks or pretending there is fire in his play.

Im not sure if im making a big thing out of it due to his pasts record.

We were over my wifes sisters house the other day, who had a fire place buring and he said "i like to warm my hands" he also says that about the candle buring. He does put his hands near the flame and rubs them like he is getting them warm, but keeps a distance.

I know alot of kids, including adults, are facinated by fire, but how do i know if its an issue or not? are there any signs?

what about the candles? part of me wants to keep them lite so he can get use to seeing the fire so its not that much of a facination or will I be trigging something? When he came to us, we have nothing buring in the house at all. We still dont.

or do i just need to relax and see what happens? all his therapists knows about it, but it never really comes up, just his 'contol'...

Monday, February 2, 2004

education

eduacation

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i have a question, and i want to do know what people think.

our 8 yr old is currently in 1st grade. We havnt focused too much on learning due to all his transitions but he is still not up to par with the first graders, but they cannot keep him back another year.

Would an afterschool program with an education componant help? or should it really be just play time

I want him to catch up, but i dont want to frustrate him either where he is doing to much school work.

is there such thing as too much education? i have always thought so, but i dont want my child to be so far behind. Hes already 8.

just want some opinions

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

oh well.

oh well

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well, its seems my son is not doing so great in the group home.

he was restrained last night and then when i got home from work there was a phone call and i can hear my little one screaming in the backgroud....all those great words that i grew to love....

they said he was having problems with limits and wouldnt follow directions so they had to put him in the time out room....

one step forward, two steps back...write?

i got real upset hearing him over the phone screaming like that, and like a jerk i put the tantrum video on to watch...why did i do this? I guess i wanted to remember what it was like, to see his face screaming at the top of his lungs, then i watched the part where we had to call the ambulance and him punching me and kicking me because he didnt want to go...

I cant believe he is in this much pain. Ill give him a call in a few hours to check in. Part of me wants to run over there and comfort him, but i just cant do that.

God how i hate to hear him like that and i hate this feeling of being so powerless.

maybe he should of stayed in that foster home, apparently there was no reports on him trantruming like this. sometimes i think if they come up with a service plan for them around the older foster childs sexual abusing my son, he would do better there.

i just dont know sometimes whats the best thing.....

just kinda feeling sad.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I am so mad.

I Am So Mad

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im just venting.....

well, as most of you know, my child finally went to the group home last thursday, the group home is actually one flight up from the RTC he was in

The plan now is to have him slowly transition back to our house. So he started his old school yesterday. The school that he was attending at our house before he went to the RTC.

He has been out of that school for about 2 months now.

well, they called me the other day and said that they will be bringing my child to school at 8:15am when school starts. I told them that i will be meeting him there on his first day to help him with the transition.

well, i got there at 8am just to be sure i wouldnt miss them. And it was cold out here in boston.....(made friends with the crossing guard though)

anyway, at 9am, still no show, i went in the school and talked to the teachers and principal, they had this welcome plan for him so his transiton could be smooth.

i called the group home and asked what happend and they said "huh...hes eating breakfast but i cant bring him till at least another hour" then he asked me how to get there.....i was flawed.

My child has big problems with transitions and they know this...i couldnt believe how they messed up his first day back. he was anxious enough, but the group home really was la de da about it

Plus, it was testing day at his school, (probably the worst day for him to start anyway) so when my child finally made it to school, he had to sit in a corner and play with blocks until the kids finished testing because he got there so late.

the school was so angry also.

then i told them that school is out at 2:20 and ill be there to see how his day was. well, i left work early and got there at 2pm (just in case) and who do i see getting in the van to go back to the group home, but my son. I ran over to them and asked why he is leaving school early, and he said "well, i got here early, so i just took him out of class."

i didnt want to make a stink cause my son was there. but i almost could of killed them.

I called the director of the program, and was so angry and they apoligized.....whatever...

anyway,. my son had a great day at school, thanks god.

so i called this morning to make sure he was going to be on time and they said "oh, didnt someone call you? he will not be going to school today because he sprained his ankle in the gym playing basketball and its swollen so we will be taking him to the doctors instead....."

I AM SO MAD!!! Can this poor kid get a break anywhere?......i realize it was an accident, but i mean, i just get so frustrated..nothing has gone right for this child....

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

hide and seek

hide and seek

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quick question

my child, everytime we move from thing to the next...ex: breakfast to cleaning up...or dinner to bath....

he needs for me to close my eyes, then find him...(he hids in the same spot all the time)

but its constant...its getting on my nerves. NOt just once...he can do it all the time, after you find him, he says "close you eyes".....and can keep going on and on and on. HE goes from one spot to the next......if you find him to quickly, he gets mad at you....lol

do alot of kids do this?

Monday, January 19, 2004

AT

AT

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i have been doing some research on attachment therapy, and it seems there are so many different types.

I looked at attachment therapy near where we live, its about 2 hours away. However, as i researched them, there has been alot of controversey around this specific clinic.

apparently, i could of gotten wrong information, but there were two deaths.

suppoesdly, they did some sort of 'wrapping', really cant give more information because im not sure what any of it means, because all this attachment therapy has gotten me confused.

I spoke with my family therapist, she mentioned 'theraplay or theroplay' (something like that), does anyone know what that is?

there is so much talk on AT out here, i figure some would know what im talking about, because i dont.....lol.........

so, are their different kinds of AT? if so, how do you know which one works and which one doesnt?

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

disruption question

disruption questions

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as all of you know, we are battling if we can keep our sons together under the same roof. we are pre-adoptive parents of two boys.

im sure your tired of hearing this, but it helps me try to figure out what to do when i type away....

the reason im on here today, is to ask a few questions, so here it goes:

quick overview, we have two boys, siblings, that came into our home at seperate times. both severly abused. the older child in our home was so out of control that we had to place him in a RTC via ambulance after 6 months, to give you an idea of how out of control his behaviors were. BOth children have attachment issues, just one is more severe then the other. both boys have attached to us, they look at us as their forever family and both want to be living here.

so here are my questions:

1. has anyone disrupted an adoption, and have kept in touch with that child due to them being siblings?

2. has anyone disrupted an adoption, and found out the child, that was disrupted, is much happier and ended up in a family that was more appropriate for the child?

3.. has anyone disrupted an adoption of a sibling group, and the child that you have 'kept' has anger towards you for giving up his brother?

4. has anyone decided to disrupt an adoption and kept in touch with the child and still contined to be their advocate, untill at least was placed in a foster home or another pre-adoptive home?

5. what is the likely hood of a 8 yr old getting adopted?

let me start with these questions, we are in the process of deciding if the boys are trauma reactive to each other, and they just cant live with each other. we are not sure yet.

as suggested by a member here, we will be watching our youngest sons behavior before and after family visits and family therapy with his brother. now that the holidays are over, im hoping we get a clearer picture.

this will probably the toughest decision that i have had to make in my whole life. I love these boys and i guess im must looking for hope that people have had this experience and then found it was the best decision for the child that was disrupted.

Monday, January 12, 2004

is this an attachment issue?

my 6 yr old, when he falls or hurts himself (not serious) and when i go see if he is ok, he gets mad at me and says "leave me alone"

my child does have attachment issues, but sometimes i dont know if its an attachment issue, or if its like most 6 yr old boys, kinda doing the independent thing.

For the more serious injuries, like falling off his bike where he really hurts himself, he has let me hold him and comfort him.

what do people think? if it is an attachment issue, what should i do, i usually just stand there and tell him that i just wanted to see if he is ok. Then he says "hes fine" and gets up and continues on playing.

any thoughts

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

IQ testing

my childs IQ was tested and he came out at 84, not the brightest, so we gave up on him going to yale or harvard....lol.

we were hoping he might find a trade, he likes building, just like his birth father who is a roofer.

the thing is, i think i am suffereing from sort of PTSD....lol.

everytime he raises his voice, my body shuts down, like im reliving the last 6 months all over again. i wonder if parents can have PTSD from their kids.....lol

Since being removed, he has not lashed out at all and hasnt thrown things. but in the RTC he has. they told me they needed to restrain him a few times, which we never really had to do, sometimes i just held him loosely until he calmed down for fear of dangering himself.

I hear loud and clear that we should not adopt him, we arent even at that place weather we should adopt him or not.

we are wondering if we can still take him home eventually and see what happens. this poor kid is trying so hard because his reward thus far is for him to move in back with us, where before he didnt think that would happen, so he is trying to get better. the RTC told us he has made great progress but is really pushing for a very slow transition.

i guess to put a NO at the end of this is just so hard. I dont know how i will adjust to not have this little guy in our lives.

its funny, when we got into this adoption thing, we have never planned our lives to be like this, we knew there would be issues, but never did we think it would be like this. We thought we would get the normal testing and then in about 1-2 yrs they will feel safe and we can move on and be a loving family. uh-uh, this isnt going to happen. sometimes i get so angry that we decided to adopt and how our lives are so consumed with sadness and tragedy and anger.

you are right, love is not enough. I have read alot of books and some of the ones you suggeted, the love and logic one i have read. None of them seem to work.

i am trying to reparent my younger one again and trying to get the structure back for him. He is out of control and responds to no limits now, worse then ever before. He just sticks his toungue at me. Its like all a joke to him, because now he figured out that i dont hit or yell.

tobe honest, once or twice i have lost it and yelled, and for some reason that works for him, but i hate yelling, i usually just walk away when he gets me going. He seems to want to control over everything also.

We also discussed maybe not legalizing him also because his behaviors are getting worse and has picked up a few ideas from his brother, like smahing the door when he is put in time out in his room. He wont stay in his room and laughs at me and sticks his toungue out at me that i now have to littlerally stand outside his bedroom door holding it shut, thats when the banging starts.

Most of the time i show him no emotion and just tell him what im going to do when he is doing something which i told him to stop and stay consistant on what i tell him.

Its just getting tougher and tougher and we both keep wodering as our little one gets older will he be just as sick as his brother.

what ever happened to our dream?

Monday, January 5, 2004

tone is a trigger

I guess it could of been worse, but i always feel im walking on eggshells around him for saying something in the wrong tone.

tone is a big one for him.

I know he had a real tough life before us, he is a survivor and I know he doesnt believe that he has a family forever. I wouldnt either, every placement he has been in, he never had a chance to say goodbye. one day he is there, the other day someplace else. I think he is amazed that i keep showing up and that he is now starting home visits, i also think that is helping and making him believe that he truly is going to come back to us.

the poor child has had a horrible life.

happy birthday, NOT!

you are probably all tired of me discussing my 7 yr old, who is now 8. We just celebrated his 8 birthday in a RTC, what fun that was....

I wont get into too much, but heres our problem. Plus a little update. Our child has been dx with PTSD, ADHD and attachment issues. Regarding RAD, the team at the RTC stated to us, they have worked with alot of RAD kids, and your child appears to have attached with you. The child does have attachment issues, but is very capable of attachment just is having a hard time believing that he has found a home and forever family and it scares him to death.

Now, heres our problem, he has come home on a few visits and a few times had his angry screaming, for nothing thats rational, but he has not lashed out. like hitting, throwing things. You can see him try so hard to hold it together becuase he is petrified that he wont be coming home, and he knows he has to learn to stay safe in order to that, but its hard for him, but he is trying his hardest.


in therapy he has been talking about his birthmom and his foster mom. from the beatings of his birth mom, and the "spankings" from his foster mom.

basically, the reason im writing, is there anyone out there who had some success with these children? all i hear is the horror and i truly love this little boy and cant imagine my life without him, but i cant imagine living the way we were living before he entered the RTC.

they are going to place him in a group home for 3 months (thats what DSS approved him for, then an evaluation after that)

He is not legally ours yet. it is understood that we will not be adopting him until we feel REAL comfortable with him, but i dont think we are ready to give up on him yet either.

im still trying to hold on the belief that he will turn around.

anyway, is there anyone out there with a success story? and if so, how long did it take and what did you do?

sorry to be a pain, im just not ready to give up, i go back and fourth. If you saw him and talked to him, you will know why, he is a beautiful little boy with big brown sad eyes, i have no picture of him with a real smile, all his smiles are forced .

the only time i have ever heard him really laugh is when i opened a bottle of pepsi and it exploded all over me, he thought that was the funniest thing, we all laughed, plus he brings that up now and then, but truly, thats the only time when I saw him laugh. He is just so scared to get close but is trying so hard to do it.

lately, when i give him a hug and kiss, he wants to do it in private, he doesnt want any kids to see him hugging his daddy. he is so worried about what other people think, he just turned 8 for christs sake.

anyway, hope there is some success stories out there.