Monday, February 5, 2007

feeling hopeless

both my kids find words or saying that cause people to jump. weather its a control issue or whatever it is.

Ive been trying so hard not to jump on anything they say as it gives them 'power' when they say it.

i understand its a serious threat, so ill jump, but i hope it doesn't send him back now. its such a tough call.

if he did use it for attention, then he will continue to use it as i 'reacted' to it.

hope you guys are right on this one, if not i just screwed myself for some regression.......

God i hate making these kinds of decisions...why cant they just understand that using certain language is not appropriate and then move on....the minute i give any weight to anything they say, its like a mantra for the next few months.

but what are you going to do, just feeling really kinda sad.....ill call his therapist this morning, shes new, so like most therapist, she will take everything he says seriously.....

how does therapy help kids in the long run.....anyone have any idea?...he plays, and she follows his lead, and then they discuss.....but my kids are really seeing it as playing.

i guess i get pist a little because my boys, even though they have issues, still cant be boys. boys are so full of energy yet when they bring that energy into the building they are suffering from anxiety.

the psych from my younger son he is clearly real anxious and we need to up his dose on his meds.

i told her that he becomes a zombie, and i rather continue to use it just for his sleep because he has been doing great in school. I also told her that when he comes to any kind of therapy he gets real anxious because they always ask about his brother...and he thinks that if he says anything wrong they will take his brother away (and for good reason, since this has happened numerous times in our home and they were separated for 3 yrs due to the same stuff before us.)

she said, well, he is anxious, and wants us to try it.

so i decided to try it, because sometimes i do question myself....guess who just stood there at his class recital? He just stood there and this was not from stage fright, it was him just kinda in a zombie effect.

plus, he hasn't been doing well in school again, i have been getting the calls. So i took him off the morning dose.

sorry for venting, I'm in such a hopeless state lately. Im starting to get real tired again, trying to figure them out.

as you can tell, i am questioning therapy again. every time i bring them, its the same crap, my kids are messed up.....but i hate it that i cant say 'well, my 'normal' son does this, can anything be normal about my kids, or will they always be messed up and everything they say or do needs to b e analyzed as such "

just feeling hopeless and feeling very sad for my appeared to me that wee have come so far, but the experts keep telling me that there are so many issues....

just not knowing what the right thing to do is...i hate this kind of position, I'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.....

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Im stupid

my older son during his tantrums has yelled, "I am stupid" "i hate myself" "i wish i was dead"

I do feel these are legitimate for him.

But now my younger son is starting to say these things, and I use to take those statements as not being serious.

But now I'm wondering. He is behind in school, and I'm not sure if the "i am stupid" is real, as for the "i wish i was dead" is usually when he doesn't get his way, then starts the mantra of 'I'm stupid, I'm this and that, and I wish i was dead'

i got the call Friday from his after school program expressing concern over the 'killing myself' issue.

I'm starting to feel that maybe i should react. I did ask him when i picked him up what he meant by it, he said he really doesn't want to....

i told him that its good to tell how people how you feel, but when you dint mean something, you shouldn't say it...

I'm not sure if he got what i meant...I'm worried that if he gets older and does want to kill himself, he wont tell anyone...

now, that's problem one...

onto problem two......

i took my boys sleigh riding yesterday, and my older son was getting cold and we sat in the car together with the heat on and just watched the other kids and his brother go sleigh riding.

out of the blue, he says "i wish i had a weapon"

i asked him "why?"

and he said "never mind....he didn't want to talk about it"

ok, what the heck does that mean? It was really weird. Did he want to kill his brother or the other kids for having fun?

I didn't press it, i asked him a couple of times of what he meant, and he refused to talk about what he said. I ended with "well, if you ever feel like getting a weapon to hurt someone or yourself, you need to talk to me first"

then he said
"well, I'm going out now..."

he took his sleigh and joined in with the other nothing had ever happened...

what do you guys make of it?