Friday, September 26, 2003

i hate bedtime

the seven yr old is petrified to stay by himself and wants one of us to sleep with him till he falls asleep. We have discussed during one of our family meetings what they wanted to do for bedtime to make it easier. Of course they said what we do already, except instead of one story, they want

But i dont know how to leave the seven yr old when he is petriied.

then comes the five yr old, he wants you to stay with him till he falls asleep, just because. If you get up he starts screaming and tantruming.

they both want to sleep in our bed, but if i put them in our bed together...well, the playing starts all over again.

last night was the same thing, our family meeting didnt so i put them on the floor in their blankets (sleeping bags) out of sight from each other, and they fell asleep within 15 min.....then when we went to bed, we just brought them to their rooms.

maybe thats what we have to do for a while. I just wish they would stay in their rooms, we dont force them to sleep, we just want them to stay in their rooms alone. IT just aint

Thursday, September 25, 2003

so far so good

well, he seems to be holding up. We came up with starting the day over, he hasnt yet really given a full out tantrum. He woke up in a mood this morning and very demanding. nothing was good enough.

Then we talked and we decided to start the day over, and he responded well to that. So i gave him a hug.

However, the 5 yr old, he was just so miseralble last night while i was trying to put them to bed. I was alone last night, and i hate being alone with the two of them, talk about work getting two kids to bed when theres only one of you. I hate feeling that anxious.

I think he just wanted alone time because when i started to read to him, the 7 yr old got out of his bed and wanted to read another story too. So i said ok, he can join us then the 5 yr old said "no he cant, i want him to leave...etc." then came the meltdown of the 5 yr old, but the seven yr old held it together.

sometimes i question my parenting skills to be honest, sometimes i think i cant do this thing. i am reading the love and logic book im hoping this will help, most of the books i read thus far hasnt helped, and believe me, i read alot of them....AHHHH!!!!

there is one concern i have, we talked to the RAD therpay guy and he said you need to be really clear that your going to keep him before you start this type of therapy. It makes alot of sence. so now were not sure what were going to do still.

it was so funny last night, i made a major mistake because i was so tired and so frustrated getting these kids to bed that i said in a very weak moment. "maybe im not a good parent and i cant take care of you" at that time, i was feeling it, but i shouldnt of said that.

then the 7 yr old tried to console me...."you are a good parent, we will listen, im sorry, you are a good daddy, your my forever daddy..." etc. I was dying inside, im thinking, "what did i do, what did i say" thats all he needs to hear is that he might not be with us forever. I cant beieve this kid had to console his daddy, whats wrong with this picture.

hey, two steps forward, one step back. oh well, im glad this is annoymous, so i can write this stuff So goes on the struggle. Im actually thinking of hiring someone to come and help me put these kids to bed at night when i have to be by myself. I cant believe im even thinking about it, but its so diffulcult putting two kids to bed with their issues at the same time.

does anyone have suggestions on putting two kids to bed when theres only one of you?

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

home again

well, our son came home on monday, been too busy to check the email and go online.

He seems to be doing ok, it is now wednesday, we put him on a behavior chart that the hospital used. Basically, he just cant handle any limits placed on him so we will try this.

He is trying so hard to be good, and needs constant reasurring that he is being good. Its really quite sad. He has walked away from his brother when his brother starts screaming (he has his own issues, but its more for attention, hes five).

At our discharge meeting, we were loud and clear that if he gets worse, we will not be adopting them and if they are still adiment about keeping these two together, then we will have to let the other guy go as well.

we have FST coming in our home next week to evaluate and see what we can change, we really want this to work, plus he has his first therapy appt with a new therapist. We also are getting them in sibling therapy together to see if that helps.

The 5 yr old is acting up alot since his brother came home, im not sure whats going on, but he tells me he is excited that he is home. But who knows.

But you should see my 7 yr old, trying so hard to be good. This morning, we had a minor setback, i mean minor. He wanted to play outside before school. I said no, he got angry and hit the wall then started crying. I put him in his room for 'quiet time', and he was still angry. It only lasted about 10 min till he could pull himself together rather then three hours. He does say im mean, but im not, i dont yell or even get emotional.

I use to try to talk about that i wasnt being mean, but i realized, that was just a battle that he wanted to partake in. basically, if you say 'no', then your mean. He said this morning on how good he was and he didnt yell he just He also said to get his behavior chart and for me to tell him things he can do so he doesnt start yelling. I couldnt believe it. Of course the thing he wanted me to say, wasnt on his chart, but just the idea that he was asking for the help, was great. He did say he wanted to talk about it.

anyway, he calmed down and we went to school with no other problems, except when he was ready to get out of the car, he said his nose was red for crying and he wanted a tissue, he didnt want the other kids to know.

I realize we are still in the honymoon period, but hey, im holding on to hope. Im looking for progress, not

so we will see how this goes, they were talking about putting him on resperdal, an anti-psyhcotic, to see how it works, but they need to go to court to get a 'rogers'. so they decided to wait and see what happens with the increase of tenex.

we are hoping for the best. We are worried though, yesterday there was a cat outside (we dont have any pets) and they both wanted to go play with it, so i let them. This cat has come by the house on and off for about 1 mo. I had the kids feed him once, i knew what was going to happen, but hey, they really wanted to feed him, i just couldnt The 5 yr old swears the cat is his friend,and he comes to visit

anyway, the 5 yr old was hitting a bucket with a stick really hard, after saying hello to his friend, and i couldnt make out what he was hitting, the 7 yr old was laughing and I asked what he was hitting, and he said it was the cat. I ran out and the 5 yr old said "hes kidding, its just the bucket"

I know the cat scratched him two weeks ago (the 7 yr old) should i be concerned with this. We did give him a fish, and he takes real good care of it, he loves it). Im just concerned that he made a statement like that. He enjoys the cat, but i think since it scratched him, he doesnt like it anymore.

Thursday, September 18, 2003


update, we had the big meeting yesterday, they decided to try risperdal. They stated to us the big issues is the aggression, they said its an antipsycotic med given to adults with biploar but find it works with kids with being real aggressive.

They said that he has such a severe trauma history, its amazing how well he has actual coped with it all. they said that he has bonded with us, because he does talk about how he misses us and wants to come home with us soon.

their looking to discharge him on monday. Its amazing, the minute they become inpatient, everyone jumps, we were on a 3 mo waiting list for the adoption unit for psych and now they bumped it up for a week.

anyway, we will see what happens,god i want so much for these brothers and us to live all together.

Monday, September 15, 2003

just another tantrum

hi all
Well, the weekend came and like i figured it, he threw another tantrum on us. It started at 7am in the morning because i couldnt make his airplane fly by itself and i wouldnt run to the store to get him an airplane that did fly by itself. oh well, what are u going to do.

We had to seperate the boys but of course the seven yr old wasnt having it. We couldnt get him in the car to the emergency room, so i called an ambulance. I think it was the hardest phone call i ever had to make. because i knew, once we made it, there was no turning back.

The ambulance came and off to the hospital we go. We were in the hospital till about 4pm when they decided to admit him. It was so horrible, the guilt i felt. He was crying on my shoulder as i held him, pleading and begging for me to not to leave him there, he kept staying "i promise i wont yell or hit anymore" I almost lost it. I just wanted to find the nearest bathroom and break down and cry. HE kept saying, "am i going to live here forever?" IM telling you folks, it was horrible.

They did do an CT-skan on him to rule out any past head injury. but they said they will keep him for 7 days to figure out whats going on. I told them he will be great in the hospital and they laughed and said "we know, were expecting that, what happens at home and what happens in the hospital are so different" so at least they are aware of that. Anyway, they wouldnt let me stay with him overnight, so we said our goodbyes at 7pm when we felt it was ok to leave..

He called us on the phone last night at 8 to say goodnight and talk to his brother. The conversation put tears in my eyes as i listened on the other phone, he told his brother that he thinks he made some friends, he was so proud of that. So we all said good night. Oh the heartbreak.

we called this morning and talked to him, and he seemed fine, he said he missed us and loves us. The doctor said we cant spend the day with him, he said go to work, he is here with us and we have alot to do. I guess the program is pretty structured.

I feel like crying as im writing this. There were so many times in the EW that i just felt like taking him home and say "we will figure this all out" I dont know what kept me from doing it, i guess i knew deep down that this is for the best. The guilt was overpowering, let me tell you.

I know were good parents, but i dont know if were the right parents for this child. If he cant live in our home safly, then we will have to go from there. We do love this child, it is amazing, when your going through this you realize how much we love this kid.

His brother is fine, we had to have a freind come by to watch him, and he told him "my brother is in the hospital because he yells alot." Its amazing. His brother was a perfect angel last night and this morning. were not sure if he is enjoying the quiet, or he is scared that he might have to go, we dont know. We think he is just enjoying a little one on one time. But you never know with these kids.

regarding bipolar, his mother was bipolar and all the doctors are aware of it. I think that could be a part of it too. Anyway, we will see where this goes, he has only been with us for 5mo, so we dont know if it will get easier, people keep telling us that. But were not sure when, no one really knows the answer to that question.

we do go to a support group,and we started counseling, god knows we need that, we get support anywhere we IM not one to be shy for asking for

on a lighter side, when i read the program from the hospital, they was a paragraph in there that stated something in the effect that we have to priortize, and dont worry about the laundry and cleaning the house....I had to laugh, to be honest, this morning, before work,i did laundry, payed some bills, cleaned up a little bit, fed the little guy, dropped him off at daycare, went back home, made some phone calls regarding the seven yr old....etc.. I think it should be the other way around, now that i dont have to watch him every minute of the day, i can actual get things I just kinda found it amusing.

anyway, here we go again, hopefully, they will find something. I told them i have tapes of him in his tantrum, and i want them to see it. We started taping some of them because we didnt think anyone would believe

Friday, September 12, 2003

wont be adopting

we will tell the social workers thatwe will not be adopting them in Nov due to the problems. We already have discussed this between us, we didnt expect this and were not sure if were the right parents for him.

we also discussed that if they still feel that they want these kids together,we realize it will be very painful to give up the little guy, and i think thats where the fear sets in on getting this child out ofthe house. The little guy clearly loves being with us, everytime we mention that we can visit his foster mom, he says "no, i want to stay here". we try to explain but i think hes scared that he might be moving. The thought of them moving him will devastate him and us. Clearly he has bonded with us, he issuch a sweet little guy, dont get me wrong, he has his issues, but there more managble. He does respond to consequences, and does have respect.

anyway, the weekend is here, which im sure all hell will break loss, he usually doesnt do great on the weekends. We have decided if he does another blow out meltdown, we will call the psych team and get him admitted and then we will deal with the SSW's and what they are going to plan to do.

were just so scared of losing the little guy. anyway, wish us luck.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

another lovely day in the park

yesterday, i took the boys to the park and we were all having a great time, i was helping them swing, then out of the blue, he decided it would be fun to kick me in the eye.

I stopped the swing and took him off, he started tantruming so it was time to go. then later on he said "Im real sorry" and that was the end of it.

However, i sat with him to do his homework for the first time, since the ritalin, and oh my god, he did it with no problems,he stayed pretty focused, that was a miracle.

I called the psych emergency team here in Mass and explained the situation, he said at the next meltdown, get an ambulance and have him admitted into a residential because he needs 24 hour care. which we will do. Were not ready to give up on this kid just yet, of course were worried if by placing him somewhere that he will regress so much that he will never get over this hump. It gets so confusing. We will stick with him because i feel write now, we are his only advocates.

if this was the only child, i think the decisions would be so easy, but his brother loves him so much and i dont know how this will all effect him. I mean they play with each other constantly.

I was referred to this doctor by the name of Ross Greene, he wrote the book, 'The explosive Child',he is here in Boston where we live, i will try to find his number and see what he has to say. We get so drained. Sometimes we feel like were walking on eggshells to aviod a meltdown.

Ive been really realaxed on certain rules, like he loves water, and loves to go in the bathroom sink and fill up baggies with water, for a while, i let him do one baggy, but then it became this major tantrum when i would set that limit, so lately im looking at things differently, really trying to evaluate certain rules.

So what if he gets the floor wet while bringing the water outside. Its really not causing any harm to anyone,(just me, ihave to clean it up). But latly thats what ive been doing, bending alot of things.

But the next tantrum, i will call the psych team and then go from there. I looked up all his DX, RAD, ADHD, PTSD. There is so many conflicting reports, one doctor said that he didnt feel he had any of these just PTSD, that he wasnt hyper at all. BUt im going to follow through with theadvice you guys gave, and lucyjoy and Dr. Art, i am going to find a specialist that deals with or has some background with RAD. HIs mother was DX with bipolar, and ive talked to his psych about that, but they just want his anxiety to lesson so they can figure out whats wrong with him.

I think we had enough of listening to people and were going to just find a spicailist that deals with this stuff. Its just so scary, when we decided to adopt, we never planned for this.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

the big stuff

uh uh, were in big stuff here.

our seven yr old was put on clonidine to calm him down so they could properly dx him. the clonidine worked great, he was on it for about two weeks and we noticed a big difference. but he started to get night terrors so we took him off.

as he was weening off the clonidine, he became extrememly angry, the tantrums started all over again, he started to bite and physically assault us and his 5 yr old brother. (again, but worse)

it was horrible, we had to seperate them for fear of safty. we called the emergency room, but they said just bring him in, i told them there is no way he will get in the car. THen the said call an ambulance, which i should of done, but instead, i just sat with him, till he calmed down.

we called the social worker and asked if maybe he should be placed in a residential program for a couple of weeks until they find the right med because he not only is assaultive, he also was playing a game with his younger brother and he said, "lets build a truck and then we can run over daddy", which of course got me quite concerned. He had kicked his door in and broke it and then i heard him talk to his brother about when he gets in trouble to wear his shoes so he can break the door in also. His brother said no, he didnt want to do that. We are both starting to question if we can handle this child. from what we were told, the child was doing fine for the last two yrs in foster care (which, dont get me started on that foster mother)

the social worker and her supervisor came by the other night, she realizes that he is diffulcult, but she stated you cannot admit a child to find what meds work. she said we were doing a great job and this is the first time he is able to get out all his frustations and anger out because he feels safe enough. Well, im not sure if his brother is safe enough. I can handle this child write now, hes 7, but he will get older and get stronger, which makes us worried.

the psych just put him on ritalin and prozac on saturday, (he is on the lowest dose of both right now) the report from school is that he appears to be doing better, he takes the ritalin in the AM and last dose at 12pm. since these meds, he seems more hyper then ever, around bedtime, he is wide awake and doesnt fall asleep until 10:00-10:30, which his bedtime before was around 8:00-8:30.

i realize, the ritalin gets out of the system fast, if this is the case, then why is he so hyped up at night. I have never seen him this hyped up. We have not had a tantrum since these new meds, but we are handling him with extreme caution to prevent a tanturm. He will not walk anywhere, he runs and then bangs into things and then falls down and starts crying, but then up again, and does his running thing. He gets tons of exercise, we play 'chase each other around the house' just to tire him out, but no luck.

so now were wondering what is going on.

any suggestions on any meds that might work? the clonidine was working great except the nightterrors. I called the doctor, and she said she will look into it something like the clonidine.