Tuesday, August 31, 2004

how do you deal

how do you deal?


how does anyone deal with the loss of a child that you loved and cared for and did everything possible to have a childhood that he missed out on and then come to realize that he might never have one?

how do you deal with every morning going in his room and feeding his little goldfish...the fish that he loved so much?

HOw do you deal with looking at his art work that says 'to daddy, i love you'

how do you deal with looking at all the broken toys in his rooms and wonder which ones should you pack for him?

how do you deal with looking at all the pictures of the two kids together around your house?

how do you deal with looking at his spiderman collection because he loved to dress up as spideman and jump and run all around the house..which at times you hated that costum but now you realized how wonderful it was to see him run and jump like every other kid?

HOw do you deal with looking at his bicylcle outside and he is not riding it?

HOw do you deal with looking at his empty bed?

HOw do you deal with the phone calls and he says "i love you daddy...when am i coming home?"

how do you deal with the 'what ifs'? God i have a million of them

sorry, just feeling real sad today...DSS and the hospital are discussing placement for him....the hospital says 'group home' DSS says 'theraputic foster home'

we say 'theraputic foster home' because i dont want him institutionalized and alot of other reasons which i wont go into now...but its not up to us anymore....

i am so full of emotions right now from anger to sadness.....im still in some sort of denial, i know. it hasnt fully set in....

life is just not fair....its not fair that an adorable sweet 8 yr old boy, has to be in this much pain.

its not fair that he has to leave our family, the family that he came to believe was his 'forever family'....

how can people deal with this kind of pain?

sorry, just venting....just feeling very sad today....ive been avoiding this forum lately, kinda just lurking around, because i feel like i have nothing left to say.....

adoption is just plan sad...sadness where ever you look, there are just too many losses for these children.

can they ever heal?....

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

sad day

sad day


well, i talked to DSS about their meeting and they feel that even with the risperdol that our history with our son wont change much.

their concern is that we have had such a hard time that even if he does repsond to the meds, that it wont be enough for us to feel like we can handle it.

they said that if we do take him back and the risperdol doesnt work, then the child will look at this as yet another failure (meaning, if we have to bring him back to the hospital)

i said that moving him on he will see it as a failure anyway and i feel that he will take this as more of a failure.

to make a long story short, they basically feel that the child should not live in our home with his brother.

because what 'IF' he is truama reactive then it just isnt fair for the boys to be together.

anyway, just want to bring you up to date.....we will act 'as if' while we visit our son.

i cant imagine how these two boys are going to take it.

my little one, is talking more then he has in a long time, but now im afraid he is regressing some...he keeps talking baby talk...i thought we went through that phase already...but what the heck....plus he is doing things to get our attention all the time.....making wrong choices to test us....

anyway, thanks for the ongoing support, i just hope they know what is best for my son, because at this point, i dont....

Thursday, August 19, 2004

advice please: risperdol

advise please re: risperdol


again thanks everyone for all the support, but now im real angry.......

we went to the meeting yesterday regarding my older son. as we been discussing when and how to tell him about the disruption we started to talk about his treatment.

since we had him, after every hospital and RTC they discharge him and tell us that we need to look too put him on risperdol.

i have always advocated for them to try it when he has been admitted, but they are reluctant to do it, but say we should try this.

so here we are at this meeting, and after all is said and done, they said they are going to ween him some of his meds and put him on risperdol.

i got so angry!!!!!.......i actually blew up.....I asked what risperdol actually does and she said "kids with PTSD and explosive behaviors, the risperdol helps them to process the information better before exploding....."

example...as it is now "can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NOOOO, you cant tell me what to do!!!!!"

"then you cant ride your bike...."

FULL blown anger tantrum....

apparently with risperdol......

"can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"


"you need to put your helmet on so you can be safe"

then at this point he might be able to understand what i am saying to him, becuase his brain will be slowed down...

(hope im making sence)

anyway....i said..."so here we are, removing him from our house, due to his explosive behaviors, and your telling me that your going to give him a drug that MIGHT help him with his explosive behaviors....isnt that what we have been asking all along"

they kept saying that it MIGHT help him, there is no guarentee...i kept saying..."well, if it might help him, then can we see first what it does so he doesnt have to be removed"

they said they dont think that could happen due to our history with him....

i understand what they are saying, i understand alot..but i dont see why we cant put off telling him for a while until we see if the risperdol works at all. only because this child does view us as his forever family (i told him that enough)

sorry for venting...we went to this meeting to come up with a plan for him because our decision is too disrupt and how this will all look...and then they tell us that they are going to put him on this medication that i have been advocating for since we had him which MIGHT help him slow his brain down so he can process the information that we are giving him.

so, heres my question...has anyone seen a major change in some of these kids on risperdol?

has risperdol really helped? i do feel my child might be bipolar, his birth mother was.

DSS said that they dont know if we can do it..they said he might look really good but still not be able to live in our family, which is fine...but should we just give this one more shot...

or am i setting us all too fail again, or am i living in a fantasy with the hope that this drug will help curve his anger enough to live with us...

please respond, i really need some advise here, they need to know.....

i want to look at everything....