Wednesday, January 28, 2004

oh well.

oh well


well, its seems my son is not doing so great in the group home.

he was restrained last night and then when i got home from work there was a phone call and i can hear my little one screaming in the backgroud....all those great words that i grew to love....

they said he was having problems with limits and wouldnt follow directions so they had to put him in the time out room....

one step forward, two steps back...write?

i got real upset hearing him over the phone screaming like that, and like a jerk i put the tantrum video on to watch...why did i do this? I guess i wanted to remember what it was like, to see his face screaming at the top of his lungs, then i watched the part where we had to call the ambulance and him punching me and kicking me because he didnt want to go...

I cant believe he is in this much pain. Ill give him a call in a few hours to check in. Part of me wants to run over there and comfort him, but i just cant do that.

God how i hate to hear him like that and i hate this feeling of being so powerless.

maybe he should of stayed in that foster home, apparently there was no reports on him trantruming like this. sometimes i think if they come up with a service plan for them around the older foster childs sexual abusing my son, he would do better there.

i just dont know sometimes whats the best thing.....

just kinda feeling sad.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

I am so mad.

I Am So Mad


im just venting.....

well, as most of you know, my child finally went to the group home last thursday, the group home is actually one flight up from the RTC he was in

The plan now is to have him slowly transition back to our house. So he started his old school yesterday. The school that he was attending at our house before he went to the RTC.

He has been out of that school for about 2 months now.

well, they called me the other day and said that they will be bringing my child to school at 8:15am when school starts. I told them that i will be meeting him there on his first day to help him with the transition.

well, i got there at 8am just to be sure i wouldnt miss them. And it was cold out here in boston.....(made friends with the crossing guard though)

anyway, at 9am, still no show, i went in the school and talked to the teachers and principal, they had this welcome plan for him so his transiton could be smooth.

i called the group home and asked what happend and they said "huh...hes eating breakfast but i cant bring him till at least another hour" then he asked me how to get there.....i was flawed.

My child has big problems with transitions and they know this...i couldnt believe how they messed up his first day back. he was anxious enough, but the group home really was la de da about it

Plus, it was testing day at his school, (probably the worst day for him to start anyway) so when my child finally made it to school, he had to sit in a corner and play with blocks until the kids finished testing because he got there so late.

the school was so angry also.

then i told them that school is out at 2:20 and ill be there to see how his day was. well, i left work early and got there at 2pm (just in case) and who do i see getting in the van to go back to the group home, but my son. I ran over to them and asked why he is leaving school early, and he said "well, i got here early, so i just took him out of class."

i didnt want to make a stink cause my son was there. but i almost could of killed them.

I called the director of the program, and was so angry and they apoligized.....whatever...

anyway,. my son had a great day at school, thanks god.

so i called this morning to make sure he was going to be on time and they said "oh, didnt someone call you? he will not be going to school today because he sprained his ankle in the gym playing basketball and its swollen so we will be taking him to the doctors instead....."

I AM SO MAD!!! Can this poor kid get a break anywhere?......i realize it was an accident, but i mean, i just get so frustrated..nothing has gone right for this child....

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

hide and seek

hide and seek


quick question

my child, everytime we move from thing to the next...ex: breakfast to cleaning up...or dinner to bath....

he needs for me to close my eyes, then find him...(he hids in the same spot all the time)

but its constant...its getting on my nerves. NOt just once...he can do it all the time, after you find him, he says "close you eyes".....and can keep going on and on and on. HE goes from one spot to the next......if you find him to quickly, he gets mad at

do alot of kids do this?

Monday, January 19, 2004




i have been doing some research on attachment therapy, and it seems there are so many different types.

I looked at attachment therapy near where we live, its about 2 hours away. However, as i researched them, there has been alot of controversey around this specific clinic.

apparently, i could of gotten wrong information, but there were two deaths.

suppoesdly, they did some sort of 'wrapping', really cant give more information because im not sure what any of it means, because all this attachment therapy has gotten me confused.

I spoke with my family therapist, she mentioned 'theraplay or theroplay' (something like that), does anyone know what that is?

there is so much talk on AT out here, i figure some would know what im talking about, because i

so, are their different kinds of AT? if so, how do you know which one works and which one doesnt?

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

disruption question

disruption questions


as all of you know, we are battling if we can keep our sons together under the same roof. we are pre-adoptive parents of two boys.

im sure your tired of hearing this, but it helps me try to figure out what to do when i type away....

the reason im on here today, is to ask a few questions, so here it goes:

quick overview, we have two boys, siblings, that came into our home at seperate times. both severly abused. the older child in our home was so out of control that we had to place him in a RTC via ambulance after 6 months, to give you an idea of how out of control his behaviors were. BOth children have attachment issues, just one is more severe then the other. both boys have attached to us, they look at us as their forever family and both want to be living here.

so here are my questions:

1. has anyone disrupted an adoption, and have kept in touch with that child due to them being siblings?

2. has anyone disrupted an adoption, and found out the child, that was disrupted, is much happier and ended up in a family that was more appropriate for the child?

3.. has anyone disrupted an adoption of a sibling group, and the child that you have 'kept' has anger towards you for giving up his brother?

4. has anyone decided to disrupt an adoption and kept in touch with the child and still contined to be their advocate, untill at least was placed in a foster home or another pre-adoptive home?

5. what is the likely hood of a 8 yr old getting adopted?

let me start with these questions, we are in the process of deciding if the boys are trauma reactive to each other, and they just cant live with each other. we are not sure yet.

as suggested by a member here, we will be watching our youngest sons behavior before and after family visits and family therapy with his brother. now that the holidays are over, im hoping we get a clearer picture.

this will probably the toughest decision that i have had to make in my whole life. I love these boys and i guess im must looking for hope that people have had this experience and then found it was the best decision for the child that was disrupted.

Monday, January 12, 2004

is this an attachment issue?

my 6 yr old, when he falls or hurts himself (not serious) and when i go see if he is ok, he gets mad at me and says "leave me alone"

my child does have attachment issues, but sometimes i dont know if its an attachment issue, or if its like most 6 yr old boys, kinda doing the independent thing.

For the more serious injuries, like falling off his bike where he really hurts himself, he has let me hold him and comfort him.

what do people think? if it is an attachment issue, what should i do, i usually just stand there and tell him that i just wanted to see if he is ok. Then he says "hes fine" and gets up and continues on playing.

any thoughts

Tuesday, January 6, 2004

IQ testing

my childs IQ was tested and he came out at 84, not the brightest, so we gave up on him going to yale or

we were hoping he might find a trade, he likes building, just like his birth father who is a roofer.

the thing is, i think i am suffereing from sort of

everytime he raises his voice, my body shuts down, like im reliving the last 6 months all over again. i wonder if parents can have PTSD from their

Since being removed, he has not lashed out at all and hasnt thrown things. but in the RTC he has. they told me they needed to restrain him a few times, which we never really had to do, sometimes i just held him loosely until he calmed down for fear of dangering himself.

I hear loud and clear that we should not adopt him, we arent even at that place weather we should adopt him or not.

we are wondering if we can still take him home eventually and see what happens. this poor kid is trying so hard because his reward thus far is for him to move in back with us, where before he didnt think that would happen, so he is trying to get better. the RTC told us he has made great progress but is really pushing for a very slow transition.

i guess to put a NO at the end of this is just so hard. I dont know how i will adjust to not have this little guy in our lives.

its funny, when we got into this adoption thing, we have never planned our lives to be like this, we knew there would be issues, but never did we think it would be like this. We thought we would get the normal testing and then in about 1-2 yrs they will feel safe and we can move on and be a loving family. uh-uh, this isnt going to happen. sometimes i get so angry that we decided to adopt and how our lives are so consumed with sadness and tragedy and anger.

you are right, love is not enough. I have read alot of books and some of the ones you suggeted, the love and logic one i have read. None of them seem to work.

i am trying to reparent my younger one again and trying to get the structure back for him. He is out of control and responds to no limits now, worse then ever before. He just sticks his toungue at me. Its like all a joke to him, because now he figured out that i dont hit or yell.

tobe honest, once or twice i have lost it and yelled, and for some reason that works for him, but i hate yelling, i usually just walk away when he gets me going. He seems to want to control over everything also.

We also discussed maybe not legalizing him also because his behaviors are getting worse and has picked up a few ideas from his brother, like smahing the door when he is put in time out in his room. He wont stay in his room and laughs at me and sticks his toungue out at me that i now have to littlerally stand outside his bedroom door holding it shut, thats when the banging starts.

Most of the time i show him no emotion and just tell him what im going to do when he is doing something which i told him to stop and stay consistant on what i tell him.

Its just getting tougher and tougher and we both keep wodering as our little one gets older will he be just as sick as his brother.

what ever happened to our dream?

Monday, January 5, 2004

tone is a trigger

I guess it could of been worse, but i always feel im walking on eggshells around him for saying something in the wrong tone.

tone is a big one for him.

I know he had a real tough life before us, he is a survivor and I know he doesnt believe that he has a family forever. I wouldnt either, every placement he has been in, he never had a chance to say goodbye. one day he is there, the other day someplace else. I think he is amazed that i keep showing up and that he is now starting home visits, i also think that is helping and making him believe that he truly is going to come back to us.

the poor child has had a horrible life.

happy birthday, NOT!

you are probably all tired of me discussing my 7 yr old, who is now 8. We just celebrated his 8 birthday in a RTC, what fun that was....

I wont get into too much, but heres our problem. Plus a little update. Our child has been dx with PTSD, ADHD and attachment issues. Regarding RAD, the team at the RTC stated to us, they have worked with alot of RAD kids, and your child appears to have attached with you. The child does have attachment issues, but is very capable of attachment just is having a hard time believing that he has found a home and forever family and it scares him to death.

Now, heres our problem, he has come home on a few visits and a few times had his angry screaming, for nothing thats rational, but he has not lashed out. like hitting, throwing things. You can see him try so hard to hold it together becuase he is petrified that he wont be coming home, and he knows he has to learn to stay safe in order to that, but its hard for him, but he is trying his hardest.

in therapy he has been talking about his birthmom and his foster mom. from the beatings of his birth mom, and the "spankings" from his foster mom.

basically, the reason im writing, is there anyone out there who had some success with these children? all i hear is the horror and i truly love this little boy and cant imagine my life without him, but i cant imagine living the way we were living before he entered the RTC.

they are going to place him in a group home for 3 months (thats what DSS approved him for, then an evaluation after that)

He is not legally ours yet. it is understood that we will not be adopting him until we feel REAL comfortable with him, but i dont think we are ready to give up on him yet either.

im still trying to hold on the belief that he will turn around.

anyway, is there anyone out there with a success story? and if so, how long did it take and what did you do?

sorry to be a pain, im just not ready to give up, i go back and fourth. If you saw him and talked to him, you will know why, he is a beautiful little boy with big brown sad eyes, i have no picture of him with a real smile, all his smiles are forced .

the only time i have ever heard him really laugh is when i opened a bottle of pepsi and it exploded all over me, he thought that was the funniest thing, we all laughed, plus he brings that up now and then, but truly, thats the only time when I saw him laugh. He is just so scared to get close but is trying so hard to do it.

lately, when i give him a hug and kiss, he wants to do it in private, he doesnt want any kids to see him hugging his daddy. he is so worried about what other people think, he just turned 8 for christs sake.

anyway, hope there is some success stories out there.