Friday, June 25, 2004

wizard of oz

wizard of oz

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hi all,

i found this and thought id share it with you...ive been getting alot of stuff lately....

but its a story of hope...and sometimes, on those certain days when we just cant go on anymore...we manage to hold on to the hope...

hope you enjoy:

'The wizard of oz'

The life we chose is unlike that of friends and other families. At our time of choosing though, our hopes and dreams of family life could never have included the reality of the intensity and duration of the complicated tasks required of
us, never mind the frustration and exhaustion. This is a job beyond parenting.


It is a bit like Dorothy must have felt - caught up in a terrifying tornado,
plopped in a strange land and setting off on the Yellow Brick Road -
sure of
where she wanted to be, yet not sure of how to get there or even where she
was.

Oh, for a few moments of rest in that sea of poppies...!

But like Dorothy, we have found good company - fellow travelers with Heart,
Brains and most of all, abounding Courage. Like many others who have traveled to
OZ and despaired when we found no Wizard to fix it all, I have learned that
"commitment does sustain us."

Our children have such a difficult road of their own to follow. Their road is
darker in color and paved with irregular stones instead of bright yellow bricks.
Sometimes their road will circle and loop and twist back around, mazelike,
before they reach the gates of the Emerald City and they step into the ruby
slippers that will bring them back home.


I have actually found my way back to the farm in Kansas. Life is pretty close to
what I dreamed it would be those many years ago. My children are children no
longer. They have become adults whom I love and like. Adults with whom I share
history and memories that make us shake with laughter and shudder with the
remembering. I feel respected and am the recipient of thoughtfulness and
consideration.

So, for all of you still traveling the road, or those
feeling like dorothy from the ‘Wizard of Oz’ , "I am everywhere, but...I am
invisible"... take care of yourself in the best ways that you can. Keep showing
up. Keep staying in place. Remember what Dorothy learned - the road was made
more bearable with friends who shared their dreams.

Monday, June 21, 2004

setting limits

setting limits

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ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

setting limits

setting limits

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

Friday, June 18, 2004

can you believe it?

can u believe it?

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ok, whos a proud dad today?...me thats who!!!

my 8 yr old sons school called the other day and said they were having a little party to end the school year and wanted to know if i can make it. they said they will be handing out awards to the kids and stuff.

so of course i said ill be there, to be honest, dredging it...another day where i have to leave work early.

but you gotta do what you gotta do...

plus, it would give me the opportunity to say thank you to his teacher and sped teachers, they really worked well with him and since we were moving i formally wanted to buy them a little gift and thank them for all the hard work they did with my son.

so i brought the camera, click click click....get those pictures for his life book of all his teachers...lol

ok, moving on..now comes the awards for the kids...well, im assuming all the kids were going to get an award....but only 5 of them got on.

well, guess what...my son got one....i couldnt believe it...click click click goes the camera.

he got it for excellence in math/geometric solds A master builder...(whatever that means...lol)

but i was so proud!!!!! so of course i ran to the nearest store and got a frame for it...lol

anyway, just thought id share it with you all. i am a proud dad today...

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

we finally told them

we finally told them

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hi guys,

it feels like a long time since ive been on...so i have a few updates to report..all positive.

first, we finally told our sons about their brothers. we told them in a "guess what? we have great news..." kinda way.

they were both thrilled. we did tell them that their baby brother was still with birthmom and my older son said "is he going to die?"

we assured him that there were people looking out and not to worry.

we brought our boys to visit their 3 yr old brother, who was adopted in another family already, and that turned out great.

there came a point when the little guy kept reaching out to my older son to pick him up...so he did... ..it amazed me how careful he was with him but just the fact he opened his arms to let his younger brother climb on him brought a tear to my eye. just to watch my older son be so gentle and loving, was amazing to me.

the boys adoptive mom said "wow, he has never done that to anyone"

maybe there is some biological thing that happens with siblings, i dont know, but this little guy just loved climbing on him.

it was a great day and all the kids had a great time...there were 6 boys...ages 3 - 9 ...so needless to say, it was high energy afternoon.

the adoptive mom has 3 bio boys...her hands were pretty full.

anyway...pictures pictures pictures...you know how that goes.

so now we have no more secrets, the boys know everything, the last secret we had was about their brothers.....

my younger son was thrilled also, but then went onto other things....they even look alike....my older son picked up on that pretty quick...

now, on to some more news....

we finally got to meet, the RTC and DSS and everyone agrees that we would be the perfect family for our older son...the RTC, which have been our greatest advocates up to this point, were stating to DSS that they will be coming up with a wrap-around service plan for us and our son and that they will be paying for it.

so the next three months, we will be discussing all the support that we will need in place before our son comes home, and that a 24 hour hotline to the RTC (which they have) will be part of it...so if he starts up with his issues, at any time, we could call and they can come and help....

they said that he will probably be in and out of resiendential for a very long time, and they will be there so he knows who they are and what to expect.

they always keep two beds open for respite, so all we have to do is call, and he can even stay a full weekened if we need just take a couple of days to breath.

they have noticed great improvments, as do we, but they said there will be some time when he will need to go back to them...

they will be doing sibling therapy, therapy in the home, having people come over to help with the kids...blah blah blah....

they want to keep him in school with them and they will get our town to pay for it.

it all just seems so hard to believe.

i know deep down that if we didnt disrupt, that our son would still be in limbo...as much as i hated the fact they didnt listen to me a while ago about his medications.....at least now he is getting the services he needs and we are not CRAZY or we wernt able to parent him because we didnt know what we were doing.

the RTC who has had him for this long, said there would be no parents to parent him without help. So that made us feel a little better.

this RTC is big on the RAD/PTSD stuff, and they said though he does have an "anxious attachment" he does not have RAD, it is very clear to them that he defintly has attached to us, and that he can attach.

his language processing issues are so severe that he just gets so easily frustrated because he just doesnt understand what is being asked or even for him to 'find his words'.

they really are not sure on some of his other issues...if you met him, you would know what i mean...he does have some odd behaviors, like wearing his clothes backwards, not because of his SI stuff believe it or not, he just doesnt even realize it....

it is actually one of his most endearing qualities, because he just doesnt know certain things...as much as you tell him, he still doesnt quite get it.

anyway, i went on and on....i just thought id give a quick update.

were moving

were moving

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well, this is it....our crazy clan are leaving boston and moving to framingham.....

our house is under agreement and we put our new house under agreement.

does anyone know about the schools in framingham? i have done alot of research, but i would love input from people who are real familiar with framingham schools and their SPED programs.

i feel it took so long to get my kids all the services in boston, and i dont want to start all over again.....looking for shortcuts..lol