Wednesday, August 31, 2005

do i worry to much?

do i worry too much?


ok, here goes.....i do believe my younger boy is very attached.

however....sometimes i get concerned.

today, i meet him at school...(first day and all, wanted to make sure he was ok when he got off the bus)

i know i know...anyway....

so there he is with all these other kids....

there were alot of kids just looking around to see where they were suppose to go.

my son and i were just hanging there, and he said "i cant find my teacher"

i met her the day before when i brought my son to see the new class and meet his new teacher, even though he did that last year...i know i know.... his teacher appeared.

i said good morning to her...and while i was doing this, my arm was around my sons shoulder, then he brushed me away with a sigh...

so off he went....

he is this a attachment thing?...or is just a 7 yr old boy thing, and doesnt want anyone to see daddy being affectionate with him....(he does this ony in public, with my wife too)

no problems at home, very affectionate, just in public......

it could be he is just not into public affection...

so, 'do i worry to much?'

Monday, August 29, 2005

now what?

now what?


hi guys,
im actually posting this for the aparents of my childrens birth brother.

birthmom has been bringing them into court due to now fullfilling the open agreement.

history, amom and bmom had an open adoption agreement, but bmom took off to another state to have another baby.

bmom did send her 3 yr old bson a picture of her and bdad making out in one of the coin photo booths.....and amom admitted that she did not show 3 yr old son the picture because she found it inappropriate.

i saw the picture, amom is correct on that.

well, they have been in and out of court...

amom feels that judge just doesnt like her. she calls birthmom and birthdad the boys parents.

and she calls the son, by his birth last name, which is not his legal name anymore.

the judge admits that she takes this case personal, she has been the same judge with all of birthmoms children.

anyway, the judge decided that the open adoption contract needs to be modified and has decicided that the birthmom and birth dad can have more visits then what the original contract has said...

the first one will be in october,and the amom is being asked to give her child to a stranger (a mediator), but stranger to the child, and the stranger then brings the child to his birthparents, who he doesnt know.

is this fair? does she have any legal standing because she is now the legal parent of her child?

she is clearly very upset and really feels the judge just doesnt like her.

the birth mom has lied on the stand to say that amom is constantly giving her a hard time....

the fact is, the amom has no contact with bmom since bmom disappeared...the only thing amom did wrong, supposedly, was refuse to show her son the picture.....

the picture is of bmom, who is goth now, wearing all dark makeup and black clothes, toungue kissing birthdad, clearlly the picture wasnt taken for a 3 yr old boy, it looks like they were at some fair on a date and decided to get photos of themselves.

i guess the question is, is there anything she can do?

the judge changing the original agreement, is that ethical?

legally does she have to turn her child over to a stranger?

is it common in a court room, that the birthparents are called the childs parents and using the birthname in place of the childs legal name now? or does that sound like the judge is in favor of the birthparents no matter what?.

clearly this has thrown her for a loop and she doesnt know what to do.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

my son is coming home

my son is coming home


hi all,

i just thought id give a quick update and tell you what is going on.

we had our meeting at the RTC around discharge plans and stuff.

there were a few things we asked for and they are all in agreement on trying to get the services we asked for.

we asked for respite in the home once a month...(you guys know how i feel having them leave us for they not only agreed, but said that we should make it every other week...and in time if we dont need it, then we can do it once a month

we asked for therapy in the home (the appts for these two boys, are overwhelming) and they agreed, they feel that seeing the boys together in the home, would actually prove to be more beneficial.

quick history, over the last few months we have the RTC staff come into our home and observe what we might need, they come for 3 hours and watch us parent and see where we might need some support, not only with the kids, but with our parenting style. (as you know, parenting these kids, is very different then 'normal' kids)

ok, now im going to brag....

i also asked about AT, that maybe we need it and they actually laughed at me..they said that our boys have attached to us, they took the RAD dx on our boys, off their DX papers.

the report said that we were doing AT work with them, and its clear that our hard work had paid off. both boys are attached to us

bragging again....

they also said that our family has been one of the best families they worked with due to our communication with each other and how we communicate with our kids, and all the patience that we have around their issues.

(tooting my own horn here)...

they said they were amazed on how consitant that we have been when choosing battles. they have said that they rarely see this.

the only thing they said we needed to work on was some behavior modification stuff (reward charts and such)..i do have to agree...i really have a hard time with handing out their stars.

anyway, though it seems that im tooting my own horn (which i am) it was really nice to im giving myself a pat on the back.

only because sometimes i think we have no idea on what we are doing....

my son will be transitioning home very slowly, we will alos be getting a bigger subsidy for my boys, so we can afford a more professional 'babysitter'...(they gave us some numbers on the staff at the RTC that worked great with my son) who are interested in making some extra money.

there are also looking to make sure the camp is part of the package in the summer so its all set up and paid for, so its not such a burden trying to find a camp that can handle our kids issues.

my younger son, who is doing ok, still goes into 'contol' mode when my older son comes for his sleepovers. Im hoping that this behavior will get better with time.

my youngers sons camp was successful, i didnt hear anything at all from them, and i am under the news is good news..........

so on the last day of his camp, i went to check on him, and he was in the barn playing when i went in, he was in time out...

i spoke to the teacher outside and asked what happened, she said that all the kids are acting out a little since its the last day of camp.

she then said my younger son had no problems at all, and his behavior was one of the best...

she said, he like his outdoor sports and doesnt do well with bingo anyway (hes not bingo

anyway, i guess i just want to report on some good things for a change, and i want to thank each and every single one of you..even the ones that i had argued with, because i had some heck of an education being on these forums.

You guys really taught me how to parent these boys which i will always be grateful for and thats why i keep coming back, because im always learning,

and even though our dream of what our family what we thought was suppose to look like has died, you guys gave me the support and hope on what our family can be.

so i just want to thank you...i know we have a long road ahead of us...the RTC is convinced that my older son will be back, not due to us, but due to his issues.

but we are moving forward with this, and enjoying the time that we have together as a family until the day comes when he starts moving backwards, at least we know we have the supports in place.

so thanks guys, we couldnt of done this without you...i mean that.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

refrigerator guidelines

refrigerator guidelines


first id like to say sorry, i mentioned i would post this, and i forgot all about it...anyway, here it is. Not sure how many had seen this, but it is helpful when in crisis to go by some of these guidlines.

1. stay calm. keep things cool. use positive language. you can disagree and set limits without raising your voice.

2. go slow. progress is slow and painful in these children. be careful not to say "you can do it!" Progress can bring fear of abandoment. If the child becomes more capable and indepent, he fears adults will expect more of him and be less attentive.

3. Lower your expectations. set realistic goals for everyone. INvolve the child in setting goals. focus on smaller problems and break them down into steps. focusing on big problems can lead everyone to experience discouragement and failure.

4. maintain family routines. keep your connections. life goes on so have some fun.

5. find some time for nuturing movements (talking, games, giving compliments) and be spontaneous ("Give me five!")

6. help the child through ego-building experiences, things that make them feel good or that involve tackling a challenge such as chores, sports, music, crafts.

7. set limits. everyone needs to kow what the rules are. then stick by the limits.

8. all caregiveers have to be on the same page so develp strategies that work for everyone and be consitent.

9. do not tolerate abusive treatment. walk away of fall silent if necessary. talk again when child is calm.

10. dont try to reason with a child who is having an outburst. dont get defensive. talk little. simple set the limit, provide a soothing approach .

11. maintain safety. hold the child or call for help. have crisis plan ready.

12. be a good listener. do not discount what the child is saying. really try to hear the childs view of the world and understand that his thinking makes sence given his experiences and level of development. when you show respect and understanding for the child's viewpoint, he feels freer to tell you what hes thinking.

13. always remember that whenever you take care of a child, understand him, provide safety, soothing and unconditional love, that you are doing great good. these children can push your buttons and make slow progress, but never doubt that your love is immensely valuable to them.

thats it!...these are just the basics for the guidelines and with each one, they have reasons on why these guidlines help.

but the list was just kinda like a check list...who wants to go pick out the book on the shelf and turn to page...oh what was that page?...and look for the highlighted part that you thought would come in handy at times like these...

anyway, i hope this helps...sorry so late...