Saturday, March 7, 2009

Im at my limit

My older son has been off the wall. he is non-stop. He plays that weird game (seen in another post) 24 hours a day. He bothers everyone with this game, like going up to them and swinging the stuffies in their face.

My younger son, all he does is yell "get out here" "leave me alone" blah blah.

I love this kid, but over the last couple of months, he is over the top. Plus, he talks back, surprise surprise, hes 13, but there is no down time with him.

as i write this post, i had tto get off the seat to address his craziness four times already.

Im at a loss. He is regressing in schoool, becoming aggressive with teachers and students.

He pretends to have a shot gun and shoots.....the principle doesnt want to suspend him because she knows he is just playing, but there is policies around this.

Once we get his testing results, we will have an IEP meeting and though he is in a regular school, in an LD classroom, i think its time to come to realization that maybe he is just not ready to be a 'normal' kid.

sorry for the vent, he is just driving me up the wall...

Thursday, February 19, 2009


It’s really hard to know what is going with some of these kids. My older son has been off the charts with his behavior lately. It’s not like he’s acting ‘badly’, he is just acting weird with that game he plays. He can’t sit still for longer than 10min; he is always in constant motion.
I talked to his doctor and she stated that it could be pre-psychosis.

Then I start to question the whole IQ thing. If a child is experiencing psychosis, how can he really take an IQ test?

His IQ before was 85, not very high, but it was higher then 68. It dropped as he got older, so I started to question what is really going on. Plus, what is worse, a low IQ or a kid with psychosis. To tell you the truth, I can’t answer that.

My temper has not been in check and I am usually quite patient with the boys, but with my older son doing things just to bother people (out of instinct) he is really getting on everyone’s nerves. He at this point appears not to be able to do a simple chore, because that would include him putting down those beanie babies. Anyway:


Last night I decided to treat him like he was 5 yrs old. I went into the bathroom with him to brush his teeth, I laid out his PJ’s for him, and I hate to say this on here, but I might have to even sit with him if he’s doing number 2. Due to the fact that he can’t sit for long, he kind of just got up and still had poop in his butt that ended up on the floor.
My younger son doesn’t appear to be enjoying this either. He wants his friend for a sleepover, but with my older son acting like he is, we are not sure if this is a good thing at this time.

Monday, February 16, 2009

trauma is always trauma

So my little guy loves monster trucks. Here is an example, you dont have to watch the whole thing.

He watches this show and its such a thrill for him, so like the good dad I try to be, well, more like things i can bribe them with, I bought tickets to see Monster Trucks Jam LIVE! The tickets were 30 bucks a piece, but we got good seats, and I figured its a 'once in a lifetime event', so splurge away.

I kept it as a surprise, and it made them crazy just wondering what it could be. We went from 'video arcade' to 'ice fishing', don't ask me where they got the idea of ice fishing. As for the video arcade, don't worry, I have taken them numerous times to the arcade, so im not sure why they would even think it would be a big surprise.

So I wasn't going to tell them until they figured it out. They didn't figure it out till my little one saw the 'stage'. He knew exactly what it was.

He was so thrilled. As for my older son, well, he had his game boy, and that was pretty much all he needed to have a good time.

So we all sat there. I gave them ear plugs, (you just never know) and we sat.

Now there was a story on the news just recently about a 6 yr old boy who was killed at this monster truck show with flying debris. My son started huddling next to me and he said he was scared because of the boy.

geeessshhhh, i totally forgot about that.

Then comes the monster trucks, and was LOUD. My younger son flipped out. I took them outside in the hallway and my little one was holding his ears shaking, freaking out. He said he wanted to go outside, he didn't want to stay.

As for my older son, who was standing close by, was playing his game boy. He said its real loud and didn't like it, but I have a feeling for him, he just couldn't care less, since he had his game boy with him.

at first i tried to talk him into staying by saying that maybe we can go as high to the top as possible, but he was shaken so much that the best thing for all of us was to just go home.

I kept telling him it was fine, no big deal, and kept assuring him that it was to loud for me too. I know deep down he probably was more angry at himself and he felt he let himself down as he always wanted to see this.

I should of remembered when he joined little league as he is a gifted athlete. HE went up to bat and hit a home run, the crowd was cheering. When he reached home base, he held his ears and said "i want to go home" and that was the last time he ever played again.

He just doesn't do noise so well. He can't handle it.

Friday, February 13, 2009

IQ what?

well, we got the score of my older sons IQ test and it was 68. I knew he was slow, but I guess i just didn't want to hear he was considered mentally retarded. The weirdest thing is, he is always asks if he is a 'retard', as he puts it.

I guess when my kids came, i often wondered what kind of adults will they be, will they be able to work, be self-sufficient. My expectations of them have gotten lower as where before i wondered what college they will go to, now its can they get through High School. Can they get a trade? Can they learn to pump gas?

It saddens me to look at my older son and really look at what his future is. he is aware he is limited and has so many fears due to his PTSD.

I ask myself is he in the right school, he is in a regular public school. I guess when I asked the teacher if he had friends, she said "yes, they all like him and look after him". That was not what I was asking.

I don't want kids to 'tolerate' him.

Anyway, feeling down today, not sure what direction I want to go in. They are going to be more tests, so Ill have to wait. Then comes the IEP meeting.

Still not sure what all of this means.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

gay marriage

you know, i had a long post on my feelings on prop 8. I just deleted the whole thing, this video really says it all....

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

three simple words 'invalidate Prop 8'

face book

Face book. Ok, I admit it, I joined. However, the weird thing is, I have all these people who want to be my friend. But I never met them before so I am not quite sure why they want to be my friend. I am not even that good looking and I’m not that all entertaining or interesting.

I don’t even know how they find me. I’m thinking that maybe if I am friends with someone, then all their friends want to be friends with me. I really don’t quite get that at all.

Who wants friends anyway? I’m having trouble keeping up with the ones I already have.

So I’m loser, and I feel like a snob when I deny their friendship, but I don’t have the time to be friends with people I don’t know. I don’t even have the time to be friends with people I know for that matter.

Now, I’ll be honest, when I first joined face book, I accepted a couple of ‘friends’ that weren’t actually, well, friends. I might have known them, but I wouldn’t exactly call them friends. They were friends with a friend who was a friend of a friend… know what I mean. And truth be told, I found myself desperate for friends, any friend, since I only had one friend on my page. It was a desperate plea as I knew people would probably feel sorry for me for only having 1 friend posts. I know I know, Pretty pathetic, but my page seemed so empty.

Well, because of that mistake, I get photos of these peoples life on my ‘wall’ and every freaking comment by people I don’t know. Why on earth do I want to see people’s pictures that I don’t know and hear what people think of the photo? It’s my own damn fault for accepting them. I learned the hard way. My wall is covered with people I don’t really know.

Now in between these gibberish, comes my real ‘friends’, people that I actually know. I look at their profile, and they have like over 400 friends on their list. How in the world do they have 400 friends? I know them, and I never knew they had all these friends, maybe they had some secret life that I didn’t know about. Where were all these people when we were hanging out?

I have to admit, I feel jealous sometimes, because I have like 9 friends. What makes this even worse, out of the 9 I have, I only actually talk to three of them on a somewhat daily basis.

But then I stop and think how in the world does one get 400 friends? Geesshhh, I can’t even imagine what it would be like. When I was in High School or even college for that matter, I knew alot of people, but no way did it come close to 400 friends.

I wouldn’t know what to do with over 400 friends. Its really quite bizarre when you think about it.

But then we have the dreaded update 'wall' messages. It says things like 'Dan is watching TV'....'Joanne is getting ready for work'....’bill is going on vacation’.

As I stare at the computer and see this ‘update’ line, all I can ever think to write is “I’m looking at face book write now” because in fact, as boring as that sounds, that’s really all I am doing at that moment. I’m not watching TV, I’m not going on a vacation, I’m not getting ready for work, because if I was, I wouldn’t be on face book.

So what is it? what is that drives people, even people I know, to let me know exactly what they are doing at that moment. When in fact, when you read the ‘update’, it also tells you when they posted it…. So what is the point? Do I need to know that you were watching a rerun of law and order 2 days ago?

I have read some useless crap in my life, but this 'update' is really over the top. Who cares? Someone please, if you are out there and really care what your friends are doing every minute of the day, please tell me.

Maybe its me. Do all those 400 friends care that Bill is going on Vacation or Dan is getting ready for work? Please tell me its not me.

Oh, just in case any body really wants to know what I am doing right now, is that I am writing this post for my blog. Its 1/7/09 at 5:56pm. OF course by the time you read this, I’m sure I will be doing something else so just ignore this whole post.

what is this?

Hi folks, Just wondering if anyone can help me out there. I am not exactly sure what to make of this. My 13 yr old son plays this game with beannie babies. They are fighting with each other. I guess I wouldnt be concerned to much, he does have a wild imagination.

But its the movements that bother me. It really is weird to watch.

He can play this game for hours. In fact, its pretty much the only thing that truly interests him. Well, dragon ball z interests him when its on TV. Dont want to give the wrong impression out there.

There is an upside to this, he wont play it in the front yard, due to someone seeing him, so he has some awareness on how weird it is and how he must look. OF course I have been known to drop a hint here and there, "buddy, your 13 yrs old, are you sure
you want to play that in the front?".

The video I have, is just an example. Sometimes the game can get violent as the beannie babies go flying through the air and crashing into the TV, the lamps. These beannie babies have been known to knock pictures off the wall.

The one thing we do know, it is a fighting game, he does come up with a story line on this. But he does get really deep into this play. Not sure if the sound will come out on the video, but he makes this 'swooshing sounds' when he plays, like they are fighting.

I dont know, maybe its not big deal at all, but he has been playing this game for a few years now. He runs around the house and spins and I guess Im just worried.

Then again, I have no idea what 'normal' is anymore, so who knows.

any idea if this is just play, or is there something else going on? If you cant tell by this video, ill try to get another one.

Monday, February 2, 2009

IEP meeting

So we had my younger sons IEP meeting. Now mind you, we went to look at this private school before hand and they informed us that they don't take kids mid year. If anything, he might be eligible for next year.

I have repeatedly told people how lucky we are with this school district, and I was getting nervous that there was going to be a fight around placement.

They mentioned an out of district school, which i was happy about.

so this is what we are going to do. For the reminder of the year, he will be getting 1:1 tutoring plus after school tutoring three times a week, and in April we will reconvene and see if there is any improvement, if not, they will be willing to look at out of district placement.

The meeting lasted longer then I anticipated and it seemed like everyone was on the same page.

I am not sure if we didn't know about the school not taking kids mid year, if we would be in their fighting for the switch, but this way it looks like we are working with them and they will be working with us. Give and take, but in reality, there was nothing we were really giving away. But hey, they dont need to know this.

Take about bizarre

I left my job of 15 yrs in July 08. It was a huge risk for me, but i wanted to work closer to home to be nearer to the kids in case anything happened. You know those calls you get from the school.

I am now working, get this, working with families in a treatment facitlity to reunite them with their kids who for many reasons were taken away.

Kinda of an odd job for someone who has seen first hand what abuse and neglect can do to children, but here I am, working with the families on getting the kids back and keeping them.

even though I am an adoptive parent, i still am a true believer that kids should be with their birth families if at all possible. But I also feel there needs to be a time when when the parents rights are terminated so the child does not have to stay in limbo/ foster care, for a long time.

Ok, so here is the bizarre part.

A new family came in and they were assigned to me. It turns out, that the father, is my childrens birth Uncle. I wasnt sure when we first met, but after putting all the pieces together, it is clear he is.

Whats even weirder, his SO has the same last name as mine.

After realizing this, I quickly took my kids pictures off my desk and told my supervisor that I cannot have this family for my clients.

To be honest, I really wanted to keep them so I can find out some stuff, but I knew it would be unethical if I did, so I gave them up.

He really is a nice guy and I keep wondering what would happen if i told him.

He has no contact with his sister anymore (my kids birth mother), stated he hadnt seen her in years.

oh, their little one, is the cutest kid also. Whats even odd about this, is when the little boy, he is 2 yr old, gets upset in the day care room, he comes looking for me. I can re-direct this kid real easy.

Im sure he must be picking up some vibe that I think hes special.....(as hard as I try to treat everyone the same).

This really has caused some rift with me, as I sit in clinical meetings and they discuss this family, I have this need to protect them. I have to sit on my hands and hum a little tune in my head so I dont yell "you have no idea what your talking about, you dont know what his childhood was like....blah blah blah...."

The good part is, they dont suspect a thing. We just hired a new social worker and this was the newest family that came in and thats why they went to her. They were disappointed, but understood.

I really like them though. He was 14 or 15 yrs old at the time of the removal of my kids. I even have a picture of him in my kids lifebooks.

So, that my bizarre story. Not sure where this will go, but it really is interesting to be so close to a blood relative of my children.

So here i am, hands under my legs, biting my tounge, pretending he is just like every other client, when we all know, he really isnt just like every other client, hes my kids Birth Uncle.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

bullet has died

yes folks, my sons anole has finally died. I know it might sound cruel, but I am really happy about it.

why just yesterday, I was at the pet store buying crickets for this thing and asking the clerk if there was a way I can kill it.

Now before you go thinking I am mean hearted, let me explain.

This anole my younger son had, was given to him by a friend from Florida. It was a wild anole. We took good care of it, then all of a sudden it got sick. He was a wild reptile that should not of been in captivity in the first place. but he had him for quite a while.

Eventually the poor thing stopped eating and for the last 2 months, yes 2 months, this thing has been wasting away to nothing. His ribs started to show and you can see him breathing real heavy.

At one point we thought he had died and when we went to bury it, the thing moved its head. It was kinda freaky. He just didnt want to die, and we didnt know what to do.

Everynight we would watch this poor thing, drink the drips of water off the side of its glass cage. My son had a hard time watching it, as I did too.

So you see, my hopes for this thing to die, was that it appeated to be suffering. I have no idea why it hung on as long as it did. It was very painful for my younger son and I watch.

oh, In case you dont know what an anole looks like, here is a picture of a healthier time. Funny, but that lizard kinda grew on me.

Quiet time

Everyone is still sleeping so i have some quiet time. I love this time of the day, I get my coffee and just sit. Ill start cleaning in a little bit, but for now, i can just catch up on the news and think about what my day will bring.

I have been sick for the last few days with a head cold and it wiped me out yesterday. At least I am feeling better today, so i hope that its on its way out.

Were in for another snow storm on Tuesday, and I gotta tell you, I'm done with the snow. I look out my dining room window and wonder if i will ever see the ground again. Its piled so high. But hey, Its New England, what do I expect.

As i mentioned before about my younger son has a learning disability, I just received a phone call from my older sons school. The psych at his school told me that he is not sure if this school is the right placement for him.

He just entered middle school this year. To be honest, my older son is, well, how shall I say this...slow.

He has been in a behavioral classroom pretty much his whole life and this year they took him out because his behaviors have gotten so much better. But now he is starting to act out. I got a note sent home that he turned over a desk and chair. He does not do this stuff at home.

He is VERY sensitive and kids make fun of him, he will go off. His biggest fear is that he mentally retarded. His IQ is very low when we got him tested 3 yrs ago, but there was so much going on for him at that time, we kinds took it with a grain a salt.

I am going to get him tested again and see where he is at.

Well, there you have it, my two kids are pretty much being asked to leave public school.

Sometimes when i think we have overcome so much, there seems to be something always lurking, waiting for our defences to be down and then crash. Life isn't suppose to be easy.

The weird thing is, I go through this jealousy stage, its not a long stage, its only when i start to stress about taking time off from work to go to meetings, start going on new school tours, doctors appts. etc. I start to get angry at 'normal parents' with 'normal kids'. I don't want to hear about them or see them or even talk to them. Yea, I'm bitter, I said it.

The stage really only lasts a short time but when its hear, it really is bothersome. I have this knack to project, and its always seems to be doom and gloom, kinda like looking at the glass half empty.

But then as I take the steps, one step at a time, the sun does come out and the glass becomes half full again.

Friday, January 30, 2009


well, Monday is my younger sons IEP meeting, after having him tested, it is clear he has an LD.

We did go to the open house that offers orton gillingham. The school sounds really good.

I guess what pisses me off the most is that his social worker and teacher told us that he probably needs this school but they always end it with "you didn't hear it from us" because it will cost the town alot of money to send my kid there.

He is 11 yrs old and doesn't know the alphabet yet and cant read, when does the school finally say "uh, we just cant teach him?"

the doctor that did the testing felt that we need to hire an attorney. The school probably wont pay for it.

Sometimes i think to myself "why cant these kids get a break"

now my older son, well, that's a whole other story. They called and the psych at school feel he is in the wrong school. That it is not an 'appropriate setting' due to his IQ being low.

I have been saying this for a while, but they just wouldn't agree with me. So now the kid is 13, and he is feeling so different then all the other kids.

I don't know, just a vent, just frustrated, not sure what we are going to do.