Tuesday, December 6, 2005

running away

running away


my older son, when frustrated, runs away...well, not really.

this is a typical scenario:

"N you need to calm down"

N smashes a few doors then says

"im running away" and out the door he goes.

In the past, i use to follow him, this would take hours, because everytime he would see me he would keep running (we were trying to do some attachement work when he first came to us, and we felt that if he saw us running after him, he would think we cared.....we thought he was testing ....but now i dont go...)

so he goes about two houses down, on the sidewalk, and keeps looking back to see if im watching. i just watch from the window, then he slowly comes back...lol

so, since he started this behavior again, i sat him down and told him

"what a great strategy that was, talking a walk outside when your upset to calm down"

he said
"yea, its my new strategy"

here is my dilemma....he does say 'running away' and my fear is, that when he is in 'his dark place', he really has limited control so thats why he runs. however, he is a scared scared child, but i think that when he gerts older he will have more nerve and start to go further if i dont nip this in the butt.

last week i sat him down and said
"hey buddy, you know when you run away, i think its fine if you need to go outside, but i want you to run away in the backyard so i can keep you safe"

he agreed......(but im no fool)

my son cannot process too much, especially when he is in his dark place and he just reacts....

any ideas on what i posted....i can really use some advice....im trying to take the power out of 'unning away' but im nervous that at the same time, he is going to get older and get more risker in his 'running away' because i dont make a big deal about it...

Friday, September 16, 2005

school issues

school issue


ok guys,

here is a run down...my younger son is in the first grade.

last year, im sure some of you might remember, he was kicked out of kindergartin due to his behaviors.

they switched his schools, midway, and put him in a classroom with 4 other kids (all boys)

at the end of the year, the teacher said that she expected alot of behaviors, but he really didnt have any...she said that he did really well, with the reward system and stuff.

she recommended him to stay in the small classroom next year, not so much around behaviors but he is so far behind on his education stuff....(we never pushed any of this, due to he was in kindergartin...)

ok, up to date...

my son is now in the first grade, in the small classroom....he had about 1 1/2 weeks of great behavior, but now things appear to be going downhill.

everyday, he comes home with a report on his behaviors, (its part of the reward system and a way to communicate)

we have not got any phone calls or any special message, just the report.

he has been having problems with hitting and kicking his brother (either play or fight) and we dont tolerate it, so he is in time out immediatly.

on his 'report', the little stuff we just kinda ignore because he does get a consequence in school...

but the last few days, he has been coming home with reports stating 'hit a kid'..'pushed a kid'

he does lose privaliges at school, and he doesnt get a star for the school day...(he is on a 'star chart' at home)...

so what do you think?....

oh..here is some other stuff going on...

my older son will be doing more sleep overs now for the transition to come home...he seems excited by this, but i wonder if it is also causing him some anxiety.

also, my son was on clonidine, 1/2 tab at night for sleep..thats it.

he stopped taking it about 3 days ago....the doctor told us that since he was on such a low dose, that it wouldnt be carried out during the day, so thats not it......but im beginning to wonder...

here is what im thinking:

put him back on the meds at night and see if theres a change.

no outdoor play when he comes home if he hits someone at school.

or just keep doing what we are doing, letting the school handle what happens at school, and we handle what happens at home.....

any thoughts.....

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

do i worry to much?

do i worry too much?


ok, here goes.....i do believe my younger boy is very attached.

however....sometimes i get concerned.

today, i meet him at school...(first day and all, wanted to make sure he was ok when he got off the bus)

i know i know...anyway....

so there he is with all these other kids....

there were alot of kids just looking around to see where they were suppose to go.

my son and i were just hanging there, and he said "i cant find my teacher"

i met her the day before when i brought my son to see the new class and meet his new teacher, even though he did that last year...i know i know....

anyway...lol.....then his teacher appeared.

i said good morning to her...and while i was doing this, my arm was around my sons shoulder, then he brushed me away with a sigh...

so off he went....

he is 7...is this a attachment thing?...or is just a 7 yr old boy thing, and doesnt want anyone to see daddy being affectionate with him....(he does this ony in public, with my wife too)

no problems at home, very affectionate, just in public......

it could be he is just not into public affection...

so, 'do i worry to much?'

Monday, August 29, 2005

now what?

now what?


hi guys,
im actually posting this for the aparents of my childrens birth brother.

birthmom has been bringing them into court due to now fullfilling the open agreement.

history, amom and bmom had an open adoption agreement, but bmom took off to another state to have another baby.

bmom did send her 3 yr old bson a picture of her and bdad making out in one of the coin photo booths.....and amom admitted that she did not show 3 yr old son the picture because she found it inappropriate.

i saw the picture, amom is correct on that.

well, they have been in and out of court...

amom feels that judge just doesnt like her. she calls birthmom and birthdad the boys parents.

and she calls the son, by his birth last name, which is not his legal name anymore.

the judge admits that she takes this case personal, she has been the same judge with all of birthmoms children.

anyway, the judge decided that the open adoption contract needs to be modified and has decicided that the birthmom and birth dad can have more visits then what the original contract has said...

the first one will be in october,and the amom is being asked to give her child to a stranger (a mediator), but stranger to the child, and the stranger then brings the child to his birthparents, who he doesnt know.

is this fair? does she have any legal standing because she is now the legal parent of her child?

she is clearly very upset and really feels the judge just doesnt like her.

the birth mom has lied on the stand to say that amom is constantly giving her a hard time....

the fact is, the amom has no contact with bmom since bmom disappeared...the only thing amom did wrong, supposedly, was refuse to show her son the picture.....

the picture is of bmom, who is goth now, wearing all dark makeup and black clothes, toungue kissing birthdad, clearlly the picture wasnt taken for a 3 yr old boy, it looks like they were at some fair on a date and decided to get photos of themselves.

i guess the question is, is there anything she can do?

the judge changing the original agreement, is that ethical?

legally does she have to turn her child over to a stranger?

is it common in a court room, that the birthparents are called the childs parents and using the birthname in place of the childs legal name now? or does that sound like the judge is in favor of the birthparents no matter what?.

clearly this has thrown her for a loop and she doesnt know what to do.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

my son is coming home

my son is coming home


hi all,

i just thought id give a quick update and tell you what is going on.

we had our meeting at the RTC around discharge plans and stuff.

there were a few things we asked for and they are all in agreement on trying to get the services we asked for.

we asked for respite in the home once a month...(you guys know how i feel having them leave us for respite..lol) they not only agreed, but said that we should make it every other week...and in time if we dont need it, then we can do it once a month

we asked for therapy in the home (the appts for these two boys, are overwhelming) and they agreed, they feel that seeing the boys together in the home, would actually prove to be more beneficial.

quick history, over the last few months we have the RTC staff come into our home and observe what we might need, they come for 3 hours and watch us parent and see where we might need some support, not only with the kids, but with our parenting style. (as you know, parenting these kids, is very different then 'normal' kids)

ok, now im going to brag....

i also asked about AT, that maybe we need it and they actually laughed at me..they said that our boys have attached to us, they took the RAD dx on our boys, off their DX papers.

the report said that we were doing AT work with them, and its clear that our hard work had paid off. both boys are attached to us

bragging again....

they also said that our family has been one of the best families they worked with due to our communication with each other and how we communicate with our kids, and all the patience that we have around their issues.

(tooting my own horn here)...

they said they were amazed on how consitant that we have been when choosing battles. they have said that they rarely see this.

the only thing they said we needed to work on was some behavior modification stuff (reward charts and such)..i do have to agree...i really have a hard time with handing out their stars.

anyway, though it seems that im tooting my own horn (which i am) it was really nice to hear...so im giving myself a pat on the back.

only because sometimes i think we have no idea on what we are doing....

my son will be transitioning home very slowly, we will alos be getting a bigger subsidy for my boys, so we can afford a more professional 'babysitter'...(they gave us some numbers on the staff at the RTC that worked great with my son) who are interested in making some extra money.

there are also looking to make sure the camp is part of the package in the summer so its all set up and paid for, so its not such a burden trying to find a camp that can handle our kids issues.

my younger son, who is doing ok, still goes into 'contol' mode when my older son comes for his sleepovers. Im hoping that this behavior will get better with time.

my youngers sons camp was successful, i didnt hear anything at all from them, and i am under the belief...no news is good news..........

so on the last day of his camp, i went to check on him, and he was in the barn playing bingo...so when i went in, he was in time out...

i spoke to the teacher outside and asked what happened, she said that all the kids are acting out a little since its the last day of camp.

she then said my younger son had no problems at all, and his behavior was one of the best...

she said, he like his outdoor sports and doesnt do well with bingo anyway (hes not bingo kid...lol)

anyway, i guess i just want to report on some good things for a change, and i want to thank each and every single one of you..even the ones that i had argued with, because i had some heck of an education being on these forums.

You guys really taught me how to parent these boys which i will always be grateful for and thats why i keep coming back, because im always learning,

and even though our dream of what our family what we thought was suppose to look like has died, you guys gave me the support and hope on what our family can be.

so i just want to thank you...i know we have a long road ahead of us...the RTC is convinced that my older son will be back, not due to us, but due to his issues.

but we are moving forward with this, and enjoying the time that we have together as a family until the day comes when he starts moving backwards, at least we know we have the supports in place.

so thanks guys, we couldnt of done this without you...i mean that.

Tuesday, August 9, 2005

refrigerator guidelines

refrigerator guidelines


first id like to say sorry, i mentioned i would post this, and i forgot all about it...anyway, here it is. Not sure how many had seen this, but it is helpful when in crisis to go by some of these guidlines.

1. stay calm. keep things cool. use positive language. you can disagree and set limits without raising your voice.

2. go slow. progress is slow and painful in these children. be careful not to say "you can do it!" Progress can bring fear of abandoment. If the child becomes more capable and indepent, he fears adults will expect more of him and be less attentive.

3. Lower your expectations. set realistic goals for everyone. INvolve the child in setting goals. focus on smaller problems and break them down into steps. focusing on big problems can lead everyone to experience discouragement and failure.

4. maintain family routines. keep your connections. life goes on so have some fun.

5. find some time for nuturing movements (talking, games, giving compliments) and be spontaneous ("Give me five!")

6. help the child through ego-building experiences, things that make them feel good or that involve tackling a challenge such as chores, sports, music, crafts.

7. set limits. everyone needs to kow what the rules are. then stick by the limits.

8. all caregiveers have to be on the same page so develp strategies that work for everyone and be consitent.

9. do not tolerate abusive treatment. walk away of fall silent if necessary. talk again when child is calm.

10. dont try to reason with a child who is having an outburst. dont get defensive. talk little. simple set the limit, provide a soothing approach .

11. maintain safety. hold the child or call for help. have crisis plan ready.

12. be a good listener. do not discount what the child is saying. really try to hear the childs view of the world and understand that his thinking makes sence given his experiences and level of development. when you show respect and understanding for the child's viewpoint, he feels freer to tell you what hes thinking.

13. always remember that whenever you take care of a child, understand him, provide safety, soothing and unconditional love, that you are doing great good. these children can push your buttons and make slow progress, but never doubt that your love is immensely valuable to them.

thats it!...these are just the basics for the guidelines and with each one, they have reasons on why these guidlines help.

but the list was just kinda like a check list...who wants to go pick out the book on the shelf and turn to page...oh what was that page?...and look for the highlighted part that you thought would come in handy at times like these...

anyway, i hope this helps...sorry so late...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

tooth fairy finally comes

the tooth fairy finally comes


well, my 7 yr old son, finally had his tooth come out....its his first tooth....

so of course he is happy and the tooth fairy is coming.

so i took his tooth and put it in a safe place.

I got two silver dollars that the tooth fairly will leave......but... my son fell asleep before the ritual of actually putting the tooth under his pillow.

so we were left with a decision to make...

1. do i just put the money under the pillow (sorry for that, for those who still believe in the tooth fairy)


2. just wait till tomorrows so he can enjoy the ritual and the excitment of putting the tooth under his pillow...

my wife and i had a different opinion...but like usual, she won...and we would wait till the next day so he can do the ritual.

so i put his tooth in a plastic bag and left it on our dresser so we wouldnt lose it.

it just so happens, that the next day, we were having a visit from the RTC to evaluate our home and put supports in place when my other son comes home from the RTC, we are just at the beginning stages.

as most know, i am a clean nut, so i was cleaning up the house before they came...

when the night finally rolled around and we were ready to do our ritual, my son was excited and guess what...the tooth was gone....

it was horrible...my little one was searching everywhere for the tooth...the clock was ticking and it was starting to get late...my older son was getting annoyed because he was getting tired..but there we all were....looking for the tooth.

we thought of writing a note...but instead i told him that i will not go to bed until i find the tooth and the tooth fairy will come....

i lied!!!!!!!! or fibed!!!!!!!!!! or just helped him with the fantasy...i guess it depends on how you look at it....

so he finally went to bed.....

and the tooth fairy did come...and he was so excited.......he ran in our room and woke us up and told us about the silver coins that she left....

he never even thanked me for staying up late and looking for his tooth...

so, thats my story......and thats my sons first tooth story....it will have to go in my memory book for him, once i get the picture developed of his missing tooth..... probably by christmas...i hope...

just thought id share my little guys first tooth experience....can you tell im bored, i have nothing to say....lol

Monday, May 23, 2005

kinda sad

kinda sad


hi guys,

well tomorrow is our big day. we are legalizing our younger son. Rain and wind is in the forcast, and today is kinda gloomy outside.

I took the little guy shopping last week to buy his suit and new shoes. He looks great. He is so handsome if i do say so myself.

his book that i made is ready and though i had trouble finding something to buy him like a watch or something (he will lose it within a day) i decided that we will buy him a tree and watch it grow.

so everything is all set. what a happy time...right?...not really.

we were suppose to be adopting the two boys together. It just doesnt seem like I should be feeling this way.

my younger son was acting crazy this weekend, my older son stated he really wanted to come back and live with us....we had a up and down weekend.

anyway, just venting.....im having a real hard time writing a letter to my son around how wonderful I feel about legalizing tomorrow.

maybe ill just write the truth about how this day is making me feel. I dont know.

but im really having a hard time writing this for him.

anyway, thats where im at today....kinda sad.

Wednesday, March 2, 2005

my two boys

my two boys..


hi guys,

well, i have some good and bad news to report. first the good news.

my younger son, over the last couple of weeks, has changed...it seems like a light switch went on.

he has become so compliant, funny, and just a joy to be around...

i have no idea what happened....

he just loves to be around us, and wants us to be with him all the time. his lying has stopped, he has been doing his chores with no struggle at all, no battle, no nothing...has been doing them with a smile.

he still hates his new school, but that will hopefully change in time.

this is so bizare...i have no problem bringing him out in public, he is listening....what the heck happened..

also, he has been having a lot of fears. (this is new...he was never scared of anything before, or would admit to it...) now he comes to me and asks me to watch tv with him because he is scared to be alone, he wants me near him alot because he is get scared sometimes.

i know people might think that being scared is a 'bad' thing..but for my son, who wouldnt admit to being hurt or being scared of anything, i think its healthy that he is verbalizing this stuff

i cant even tell you what changed...its like a light switch just went on....im hoping it will last.

my older son, is still the same, he is still doing good on the meds...

tonight i got a call that he broke his ankle at school and he just got back from the hospital.

they said he handled it very well but now is getting a little frustrated because he cant walk around so easy....

i did get permission to see him tomorrow morning before work..so ill check on him.

anyway, thats the update...

oh, i just put my younger son on an allowance. he gets $2 a week...is that too little for a 'just turned' 7 yr old?...

also, my older son, on visits, have said in frustration, that he 'hates his brother'...he has always said this, just as the other guy says it.

i have always chalked it up as brothers..but lately ive been wondering more about it.

i called his therapist to see if she can explore it a little and find out if its just words, or does he really hate his brother.

you guys know my sons history, so you can see why i might think it might not be normal sibling stuff.....

anyway, any thoughts on that?...i probably shouldnt be concerned with it..but i rather be safe then sorry..

Thursday, February 10, 2005

legal rights

legal rights


hi all,

i talked to my sons halfbrothers amom last night (following me?)

she informed me, that my sons birthmom ran from the shelter with her new husband (she was pregnant) and moved to another state.

she apparently wanted to run away from DSS. She had the baby, and its a boy.

I did call DSS in the new state, to give them a heads up. she is severly mentally ill.

she also told me that bmom has hired a lawyer and is now currently in the process of trying to gain custody of my boys. (the halfbrother has already been legally adopted).....my children have not

the courts found her to be 'unfit' due to severe neglect and abuse and all parental rights have been terminated over 2 years ago.

at this point, all we are doing, is waiting for a date to legalize..the papers have all been signed and were just waiting...its been a couple of months at this point.

so, all i really want to know...and only this....since we havnt formally legalized, does she have any legal standing?

Monday, February 7, 2005

now i have heard everything.

ok, now i have heard everything


my younger son, whos hair is getting real long...refusees to get his haircut...but he doesnt tell me why...(this is an odd issue, he usually likes to get his haircut...)

so i havnt pushed it, until the last couple of weeks....

finally, yesterday, i told him that i will be cutting it since he wont go to the barber, and im not that great at cutting hair and it might look funny....

then he said...

"but daddy, i need it to grow longer before i cut it, so i can give it to the kids who are sick who have no hair"....

now what do i do?...

Thursday, January 20, 2005

am i totally crazy, or jusgt a little?

am i totally crazy, or just a little?


i talked to my older sons therapist today.

she said that he is doing real, the risperdol has helped him alot, and he has never needed to be restrained since he has been there.

they have not seen anything that what we reported, but they do believe us, because all the hospitals he has been also reported what we saw.

she talks about how in therapy that he feels real sad that he cant live with us and he really wants to.

he says that he gets angry that he gets angry and he knows thats why he cant live here.

he is worried that because of his anger that he will keep getting rejected.

then she discussed that everytime she talks to me, that i seem very ambivilant (sp?) about this disruption thing and why?

i explained to her that we really didnt want to disrupt but they were not willing to put him on the risperdol and we couldnt live the way we were living.

so the choice became 'disrupt with risperdol' or 'not disrupt, with no med changes'

so, we knew we couldnt do it, and DSS made the decision for us.

she said that DSS is willing to look at it again, and she talked to the workers over there.

she said that we are 'great' and she really wishes that he could come home, she understands the stress, because alot of her other kids have my sons outbursts......but with the risperdol, he doesnt seem to have these rages anymore

she said that they actually offer parenting classes on trauma kids that we can attend,

they said that we would definitly make sure he is stable before discharge,

they can offer respite there for either overnight or even just during the day, apparently they have two respite beds for past clients,

they also have a therapist that comes to the home for home therapy.

they also can supply as much help as needed.

they said we have staff here that are willing to do some extra work (wink wink, nodd nodd) 'babysit' because they know how to deal with these kids and their goal is to work with the family so they dont disrupt.

they realize that a regular 'babysitter' doesnt really stick around...(thats an understatment)

she has said on numerous occasions that she wishes our son came there first....and i do agree, they are working miracles with him and the place is very clean and have more professional staff

am i CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my wife wants him back to, but of course she is more level headed and said, we need to really discuss this and really look at our options.

he has been doing great on our visits. since the risperdol, he doesnt go into his 'loops' (as we call them), he has gotten angry...but no hitting or major meltdowns....

what do you guys think? ARE WE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

but he is my son...i cant see him any other way yet.

my younger son really wants him to come home, he threw a fit at our last visit, and after we dropped him off, on the way home he started kicking the seat and yelling "i want 'N' to come home...he is all better....i wANT HIM HOME....".....

Saturday, January 8, 2005

ok, I know, im needy this week.

ok..i know...im needy this week


hi all,

want to ask anyone out there, if they are familiar with these new types of medications.

has anyone heard of a medication called amantadine....its given to parkinsons patience in their early stages of the disease.

they are finding that kids with 'explosive behaviors', that is calms them.

a woman i know who adopted a 6 yr old, who is now 16, this drug changed him.

he has had numerous hospitilazations and RTC until the last 6 months.....he loves the drug and reports that its the first time in his whole life he feels 'normal.'

has not had a meltdown since he has been on it....and has actually been calm when he didnt get what he watned....its doesnt sedate him or anything....

apparently it has to do with the dopamine in the brain....but im not to clear on it.

has anyone had any experience with this?

now my other question, this is more for my younger son....

has anyone used omega 3 fish oil...liquid....

a few other parents i have talked to (i talk to anyone who would listen...lol)....said that they put their child on this holistic fish oil and its the first time they see their child happy...but warned me if they gave her too much, then it wouldnt work.

apparently alot of doctors are trying this with kids with explosive behaviors also...again, im not really sure exactly what it does and what it is for.

another friend of mine told me that their whole family takes it....

has anyone heard of these new medications that they are trying?...

Friday, January 7, 2005

school issues

school issues


well, i just got off the phone with my younger sons school and they are scheduling his IEP meeting for next wednesday.

the counselor gave me a heads up, and they are looking at sending my son to a different school....

i am so freaking pist...........i have been trying so hard to get my kids in some normal routine, but one thing after the other, over the last couple of years just wont happen...

i am so upset..not because of the special school, well, part, because the school he is in now, is around the corner and this school is downtown....and ihate driving downtown due to the traffic (yes i am whinning)

the reason we moved here, so we could have a neighborhood and he can get to know kids from his school and things like that....

this will just isolate him even more...because we wont know the kids in the area...

so here we go, another transition...oh, my son is in kindergartin.

his self estemm is shot as it is...and now i have to tell him that he has to go to another school across town no less....(he likes his new friends that he made at this school)

this is just me venting..i feel like giving ujp sometimes on trying to have my kids have some normal life, when i l know deep down that they could...but the powers to be just keep fighting it...

anyway ...just venting, tomorrow is another day, and the sun will shine, and i will just start all over again on trying to deal with this information...

then soon i will be starting all over again around structure...

heres a question..how many transitions can a child take before they totally give up?

Wednesday, January 5, 2005

how would you feel?

how would you feel?


hi all,

here is a question for children that were placed for adoption due to neglect and abuse, but were young and didnt remember their birthparents.

while you were young, your aparents told you that your birth family couldnt take care of you because of problems they were having in their life. (true)

your aparents never went into detail, but just left it like that, due to you were so young any way.

as you got older, you learned the truth about your history of abuse and neglect and your aparents told you, but waited...

here are my questions:

would you be mad at you aparents waiting so long to tell you the truth?

at what age would you of liked the whole truth?

and if your aparents never told you the truth, because the truth was so awful, but you found out on your own, would you be mad at them?

and, would you really want to know that information anyway?