just another tantrum

hi all
Well, the weekend came and like i figured it, he threw another tantrum on us. It started at 7am in the morning because i couldnt make his airplane fly by itself and i wouldnt run to the store to get him an airplane that did fly by itself. oh well, what are u going to do.

We had to seperate the boys but of course the seven yr old wasnt having it. We couldnt get him in the car to the emergency room, so i called an ambulance. I think it was the hardest phone call i ever had to make. because i knew, once we made it, there was no turning back.

The ambulance came and off to the hospital we go. We were in the hospital till about 4pm when they decided to admit him. It was so horrible, the guilt i felt. He was crying on my shoulder as i held him, pleading and begging for me to not to leave him there, he kept staying "i promise i wont yell or hit anymore" I almost lost it. I just wanted to find the nearest bathroom and break down and cry. HE kept saying, "am i going to live here forever?" IM telling you folks, it was horrible.

They did do an CT-skan on him to rule out any past head injury. but they said they will keep him for 7 days to figure out whats going on. I told them he will be great in the hospital and they laughed and said "we know, were expecting that, what happens at home and what happens in the hospital are so different" so at least they are aware of that. Anyway, they wouldnt let me stay with him overnight, so we said our goodbyes at 7pm when we felt it was ok to leave..

He called us on the phone last night at 8 to say goodnight and talk to his brother. The conversation put tears in my eyes as i listened on the other phone, he told his brother that he thinks he made some friends, he was so proud of that. So we all said good night. Oh the heartbreak.

we called this morning and talked to him, and he seemed fine, he said he missed us and loves us. The doctor said we cant spend the day with him, he said go to work, he is here with us and we have alot to do. I guess the program is pretty structured.

I feel like crying as im writing this. There were so many times in the EW that i just felt like taking him home and say "we will figure this all out" I dont know what kept me from doing it, i guess i knew deep down that this is for the best. The guilt was overpowering, let me tell you.

I know were good parents, but i dont know if were the right parents for this child. If he cant live in our home safly, then we will have to go from there. We do love this child, it is amazing, when your going through this you realize how much we love this kid.

His brother is fine, we had to have a freind come by to watch him, and he told him "my brother is in the hospital because he yells alot." Its amazing. His brother was a perfect angel last night and this morning. were not sure if he is enjoying the quiet, or he is scared that he might have to go, we dont know. We think he is just enjoying a little one on one time. But you never know with these kids.

regarding bipolar, his mother was bipolar and all the doctors are aware of it. I think that could be a part of it too. Anyway, we will see where this goes, he has only been with us for 5mo, so we dont know if it will get easier, people keep telling us that. But were not sure when, no one really knows the answer to that question.

we do go to a support group,and we started counseling, god knows we need that, we get support anywhere we can...lol. IM not one to be shy for asking for help...lol

on a lighter side, when i read the program from the hospital, they was a paragraph in there that stated something in the effect that we have to priortize, and dont worry about the laundry and cleaning the house....I had to laugh, to be honest, this morning, before work,i did laundry, payed some bills, cleaned up a little bit, fed the little guy, dropped him off at daycare, went back home, made some phone calls regarding the seven yr old....etc.. I think it should be the other way around, now that i dont have to watch him every minute of the day, i can actual get things done....lol. I just kinda found it amusing.

anyway, here we go again, hopefully, they will find something. I told them i have tapes of him in his tantrum, and i want them to see it. We started taping some of them because we didnt think anyone would believe us.....lol.