how do you deal

how do you deal?

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how does anyone deal with the loss of a child that you loved and cared for and did everything possible to have a childhood that he missed out on and then come to realize that he might never have one?

how do you deal with every morning going in his room and feeding his little goldfish...the fish that he loved so much?

HOw do you deal with looking at his art work that says 'to daddy, i love you'

how do you deal with looking at all the broken toys in his rooms and wonder which ones should you pack for him?

how do you deal with looking at all the pictures of the two kids together around your house?

how do you deal with looking at his spiderman collection because he loved to dress up as spideman and jump and run all around the house..which at times you hated that costum but now you realized how wonderful it was to see him run and jump like every other kid?

HOw do you deal with looking at his bicylcle outside and he is not riding it?

HOw do you deal with looking at his empty bed?

HOw do you deal with the phone calls and he says "i love you daddy...when am i coming home?"

how do you deal with the 'what ifs'? God i have a million of them

sorry, just feeling real sad today...DSS and the hospital are discussing placement for him....the hospital says 'group home' DSS says 'theraputic foster home'

we say 'theraputic foster home' because i dont want him institutionalized and alot of other reasons which i wont go into now...but its not up to us anymore....

i am so full of emotions right now from anger to sadness.....im still in some sort of denial, i know. it hasnt fully set in....

life is just not fair....its not fair that an adorable sweet 8 yr old boy, has to be in this much pain.

its not fair that he has to leave our family, the family that he came to believe was his 'forever family'....

how can people deal with this kind of pain?

sorry, just venting....just feeling very sad today....ive been avoiding this forum lately, kinda just lurking around, because i feel like i have nothing left to say.....

adoption is just plan sad...sadness where ever you look, there are just too many losses for these children.

can they ever heal?....

sad day

sad day

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well, i talked to DSS about their meeting and they feel that even with the risperdol that our history with our son wont change much.

their concern is that we have had such a hard time that even if he does repsond to the meds, that it wont be enough for us to feel like we can handle it.

they said that if we do take him back and the risperdol doesnt work, then the child will look at this as yet another failure (meaning, if we have to bring him back to the hospital)

i said that moving him on he will see it as a failure anyway and i feel that he will take this as more of a failure.

to make a long story short, they basically feel that the child should not live in our home with his brother.

because what 'IF' he is truama reactive then it just isnt fair for the boys to be together.

anyway, just want to bring you up to date.....we will act 'as if' while we visit our son.

i cant imagine how these two boys are going to take it.

my little one, is talking more then he has in a long time, but now im afraid he is regressing some...he keeps talking baby talk...i thought we went through that phase already...but what the heck....plus he is doing things to get our attention all the time.....making wrong choices to test us....

anyway, thanks for the ongoing support, i just hope they know what is best for my son, because at this point, i dont....

advice please: risperdol

advise please re: risperdol

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again thanks everyone for all the support, but now im real angry.......

we went to the meeting yesterday regarding my older son. as we been discussing when and how to tell him about the disruption we started to talk about his treatment.

since we had him, after every hospital and RTC they discharge him and tell us that we need to look too put him on risperdol.

i have always advocated for them to try it when he has been admitted, but they are reluctant to do it, but say we should try this.

so here we are at this meeting, and after all is said and done, they said they are going to ween him some of his meds and put him on risperdol.

i got so angry!!!!!.......i actually blew up.....I asked what risperdol actually does and she said "kids with PTSD and explosive behaviors, the risperdol helps them to process the information better before exploding....."

example...as it is now "can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NOOOO, you cant tell me what to do!!!!!"

"then you cant ride your bike...."

FULL blown anger tantrum....

apparently with risperdol......

"can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NO"

"you need to put your helmet on so you can be safe"

then at this point he might be able to understand what i am saying to him, becuase his brain will be slowed down...

(hope im making sence)

anyway....i said..."so here we are, removing him from our house, due to his explosive behaviors, and your telling me that your going to give him a drug that MIGHT help him with his explosive behaviors....isnt that what we have been asking all along"

they kept saying that it MIGHT help him, there is no guarentee...i kept saying..."well, if it might help him, then can we see first what it does so he doesnt have to be removed"

they said they dont think that could happen due to our history with him....

i understand what they are saying, i understand alot..but i dont see why we cant put off telling him for a while until we see if the risperdol works at all. only because this child does view us as his forever family (i told him that enough)

sorry for venting...we went to this meeting to come up with a plan for him because our decision is too disrupt and how this will all look...and then they tell us that they are going to put him on this medication that i have been advocating for since we had him which MIGHT help him slow his brain down so he can process the information that we are giving him.

so, heres my question...has anyone seen a major change in some of these kids on risperdol?

has risperdol really helped? i do feel my child might be bipolar, his birth mother was.

DSS said that they dont know if we can do it..they said he might look really good but still not be able to live in our family, which is fine...but should we just give this one more shot...

or am i setting us all too fail again, or am i living in a fantasy with the hope that this drug will help curve his anger enough to live with us...

please respond, i really need some advise here, they need to know.....

i want to look at everything....

6 days of hell

6 days of hell

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well,

here we go again, our 8 yr old over the last 6 days have been increasingly getting worse.

the definace, the anger, the tantrums....its all getting way too much again.

we were doing pretty good for a while. he started a mood stablizer about 2 weeks ago, not sure if that has anything to do with it.

plus were moving, and even though the kids seem excited, i wonder how they are internalizing it. we try to explain we are all moving together and they seem fine with it and excited.

plus, we found respite, yeaaa..(i think), and we went for the day to meet them, and when we met them the kids went crazy..not sure if they thought this was going to be their new family or not..again, we try to explain but not sure what they are really feeling.

we had to call the BEST team monday night, (which is a pysh Emergency team, that actually come to your house) because he just wasnt stopping with the homicidal and sucidal threats and we were getting worried

but here we go again, the battles, battles, battles.

does it ever stop?

and as for my 6 yr old...well, when the 8 yr old is having a hard time, he becomes the best little boy in the world...which of course, makes it easier for us to deal with the 8 yr old) however...i dont like either....(if you saw him, you will understand)...kids arent suppose behave all the time....its painful to watch.

anyway, just thought id put this out there, we are starting to video tape these tantrums again, to have some back up in case we need it....

sometimes it feels like it will never end...

wizard of oz

wizard of oz

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hi all,

i found this and thought id share it with you...ive been getting alot of stuff lately....

but its a story of hope...and sometimes, on those certain days when we just cant go on anymore...we manage to hold on to the hope...

hope you enjoy:

'The wizard of oz'

The life we chose is unlike that of friends and other families. At our time of choosing though, our hopes and dreams of family life could never have included the reality of the intensity and duration of the complicated tasks required of
us, never mind the frustration and exhaustion. This is a job beyond parenting.


It is a bit like Dorothy must have felt - caught up in a terrifying tornado,
plopped in a strange land and setting off on the Yellow Brick Road -
sure of
where she wanted to be, yet not sure of how to get there or even where she
was.

Oh, for a few moments of rest in that sea of poppies...!

But like Dorothy, we have found good company - fellow travelers with Heart,
Brains and most of all, abounding Courage. Like many others who have traveled to
OZ and despaired when we found no Wizard to fix it all, I have learned that
"commitment does sustain us."

Our children have such a difficult road of their own to follow. Their road is
darker in color and paved with irregular stones instead of bright yellow bricks.
Sometimes their road will circle and loop and twist back around, mazelike,
before they reach the gates of the Emerald City and they step into the ruby
slippers that will bring them back home.


I have actually found my way back to the farm in Kansas. Life is pretty close to
what I dreamed it would be those many years ago. My children are children no
longer. They have become adults whom I love and like. Adults with whom I share
history and memories that make us shake with laughter and shudder with the
remembering. I feel respected and am the recipient of thoughtfulness and
consideration.

So, for all of you still traveling the road, or those
feeling like dorothy from the ‘Wizard of Oz’ , "I am everywhere, but...I am
invisible"... take care of yourself in the best ways that you can. Keep showing
up. Keep staying in place. Remember what Dorothy learned - the road was made
more bearable with friends who shared their dreams.

setting limits

setting limits

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ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

setting limits

setting limits

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..