Im stupid

my older son during his tantrums has yelled, "I am stupid" "i hate myself" "i wish i was dead"

I do feel these are legitimate for him.

But now my younger son is starting to say these things, and I use to take those statements as not being serious.

But now I'm wondering. He is behind in school, and I'm not sure if the "i am stupid" is real, as for the "i wish i was dead" is usually when he doesn't get his way, then starts the mantra of 'I'm stupid, I'm this and that, and I wish i was dead'

i got the call Friday from his after school program expressing concern over the 'killing myself' issue.

I'm starting to feel that maybe i should react. I did ask him when i picked him up what he meant by it, he said he really doesn't want to....

i told him that its good to tell how people how you feel, but when you dint mean something, you shouldn't say it...

I'm not sure if he got what i meant...I'm worried that if he gets older and does want to kill himself, he wont tell anyone...

now, that's problem one...

onto problem two......

i took my boys sleigh riding yesterday, and my older son was getting cold and we sat in the car together with the heat on and just watched the other kids and his brother go sleigh riding.

out of the blue, he says "i wish i had a weapon"

i asked him "why?"

and he said "never mind....he didn't want to talk about it"

ok, what the heck does that mean? It was really weird. Did he want to kill his brother or the other kids for having fun?

I didn't press it, i asked him a couple of times of what he meant, and he refused to talk about what he said. I ended with "well, if you ever feel like getting a weapon to hurt someone or yourself, you need to talk to me first"

then he said
"well, I'm going out now..."

he took his sleigh and joined in with the other kids...like nothing had ever happened...

what do you guys make of it?

family history

well, not sure if i posted this before but my son is doing the 'family history'...the whole ancestor thing.

We have been discussing this with him and he says "well, im adopted, so i dont have to do it."

so i said he can pick me to do the project or we can go on the internet and look at his 'surname' and find out where he comes from.

well, he wanted to do his 'surname'...which comes from england.

then he said his birthdad fought the british....(his bdad is about 24 now....lol)

anyway, part of me wonders why he didnt want me..
...

anyway, I hate these projects, i talked to the school when it first came out, but i guess they wont change the program.

suspended again

my younger son got suspended from after school. He apprently used a racist remark in front of a bunch of kids.

we have addressed these remarks at home, but i think because he gets such a huge reaction from us, he feels powerful when he says it.

he learned alot of these words from his brother, and i have no idea on how to stop it.

there are times that i think if i just 'slap' him across the face, that would stop it all.....

we tried time outs, we tried taking away chips, we are not sure what to do anymore....

he will go back to afterschool tomorrow and he will have to write a letter to them to say he is sorry....not sure if that will do anything.

he doesnt even know what these words mean yet....to him they are all just curse words and doesnt understand why some 'curse words' are worse then others.

but we are stumped.......

the good news is that the kids will be starting a group with other kids with attachment issues. I cant wait to see to what the therapist is going to say about my two kids having them together.....lol.

there fine one on one...but put them together, and before you know it...all heck breaks out...so it will be fun....i think.

when does this end?

Just an update since i haven't posted in a while. We got through the holidays, not unscathed, but got through them.

older son has had increase in his meds, and that seems to be what he needed. However, without the structure of his day on vacation, he barely held it together.

he even said "i cant wait till school starts again"...lol

on to my younger son. today is his birthday so i brought cup cakes and juice for his class....

when i went to pick him up from school, the after school director told me that during school he refused to share the cupcakes and juice...

so i get to take them home with him....

his arm is in a cast due to a fracture that he got from my older son, who was playing with him and didn't realize his own strenght...

i also got a note that he had a poor attitude today in school.

the thing that gets me, he was always so excited around his birthday, and now that he is home, he has been doing this 'baby talk'..(did i mention he is getting on my nerves)

id like to say "well, its his bday, and with adopted kids, it can bring up stuff"

but sometimes i wonder if that's just too easy for my kids...

so, i cant wait till its all over, I'm going out of my mind....

first was my older sons bday....at the bowling alley..that was crazy.

then Christmas, we had the family over for the holiday because we thought it would be easier to have them come to us...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

forgot about the heavy duty cleaning and cooking that one must do.....

then came my sons friends bday party, another loaded day for the boys.

then came New years eve brunch for the family, that we like fools agreed to host this year, so on with the cleaning and scrubbing and cooking.

now its my younger sons bday, so I'm home baking his cake and cooking dinner for a few family members.

then in TWO weeks, off to chuckie cheese we go for his bday party (he really wants it there)

and then I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too many parties, too many disruptions, doesn't make daddy a happy daddy, plus doesn't equal happy kids either....

sorry for the long post....but boy oh boy....I'm popped.

i was driving in my car today to pick up my son so i can bake his cake so i left early from work. On the way, i was listening to some music and Simon and Garfunkel came on....and i started to well up...

i was just getting so sad....

i think I'm starting to crash and my emotions are starting to catch up with me.

its time to put the Christmas decorations away, and i think I'm just gonna do a little at a time....the tree will be last, with all those pine needles everywhere.

Attachment therapy

Last night i went to a training on attachement. One of the the people from ATNE was leading it.

i guess i just want to know if this is common in AT?

here is a scenario:

child behaves bad and is sent to room due to 'safty'.

child then calms down and all is good. (which makes sence)

but then here was the question asked by someone.

what if the child has trauma in the bedroom, what if it is the bedroom that the child cannot handle.

the responce was
"well, if you tell the child to stop or they will go to their room, and the child then continues, no matter what the child did, you put the child in the room,"

then further explained
"if i was scared of snakes, and there were snakes in the room, i was told that i shouldnt touch that, chances are is that i would not touch that, because i dont want to go in the room, but if i 'touch then i go int he room'

but my feeling was that these kids dont get the cause and effect and wouldnt this be more traumatizing to the child? IF the goal is to build trust, by putting the child in the room that he assoc with trauma, wont that be counter productive?

there were alot of good things said, dont get me wrong, but some things i just had a hard time understanding.

can one of you expert people out there help me understand this....

as some know, we are looking to get our son's AT, but when i hear things like this, i want to run for the hills....
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pink gooshie thing

My son this morning said he wanted some playdoe, i told him we didnt have any. He became a broken record.

then he said "find me a pink gooshie thing" in his 'argumentative voice.'

he just kept going on and on with insisting me helping him find this pink gooshie thing.

I told him we dont have a pink gooshie thing, and he insisted that i go to the store and buy him this.

this went on and on with me just staying calm and saying we dont have a pink gooshie thing.

finally i couldnt take it, so i told him i was goinng on the bedroom to get away from the conversation.

he of course followed me, so i closed the door on him and he tried to break down the door to come in.

any suggestions, this is an on going issue and it is getting worse.

i need some expert thoughts

i am starting a group at work for parents who had their kids either removed from them, or are still with them, who have substance abuse, homelessness, and possibly mental health issues that werent being treated.

One of the things we will be focusing on, is for bparents to get the support that they need for themselves, and work on their recovery, like managing AA meetings, or things of that nature.

as most of you know, taking care of kids, is diffulcult, but to take care of kids who were either neglected, or abused, is even harder, and then have the bparent trying to do her/his best to get his/her act together, and being a single parent (in most cases) land yet then raise his/her kids, is almost an impossible task, i cant even imagine it.

so....here is why im writing this thread. I want to find out more about the children, vs the adult.

What does a child look like when they immediatly get removed from bmom and placed with you. what kinda of behaviors do they have.

what do you think a child experiences when they get reunited with their bmom?

what do you think a child experiences when they are goinng through the visitation with bmom?

i am using mom, more then dad here, because the work is mostly around the woman we are treating.

keep in mind, these children that i am talking about WILL be moving back with bmom if she keeps to here treatment plan.

so these questions arent for foster/adopt, they are for foster parents who are fostering the children till the bparents get their 'act' together.

any thoughts....i want to put together a small presentation in the childs voice of what they feel like so these moms have a clue. I dont want them to feel guilty, but get more of a grasp of how there kids feel.

so any thoughts would be appreciated. i know about adoption and kids who were TPR'd, but this is more for the kids who are planning on returning home to bmom, and what that feels like for them.