childrens secrets

Im at my limit

2009-03-07T08:40:00.000-08:00

My older son has been off the wall. he is non-stop. He plays that weird game (seen in another post) 24 hours a day. He bothers everyone with this game, like going up to them and swinging the stuffies in their face.

My younger son, all he does is yell "get out here" "leave me alone" blah blah.

I love this kid, but over the last couple of months, he is over the top. Plus, he talks back, surprise surprise, hes 13, but there is no down time with him.

as i write this post, i had tto get off the seat to address his craziness four times already.

Im at a loss. He is regressing in schoool, becoming aggressive with teachers and students.

He pretends to have a shot gun and shoots.....the principle doesnt want to suspend him because she knows he is just playing, but there is policies around this.

Once we get his testing results, we will have an IEP meeting and though he is in a regular school, in an LD classroom, i think its time to come to realization that maybe he is just not ready to be a 'normal' kid.

sorry for the vent, he is just driving me up the wall...

psychosis

2009-02-19T09:56:00.001-08:00

It’s really hard to know what is going with some of these kids. My older son has been off the charts with his behavior lately. It’s not like he’s acting ‘badly’, he is just acting weird with that game he plays. He can’t sit still for longer than 10min; he is always in constant motion.
I talked to his doctor and she stated that it could be pre-psychosis.

Then I start to question the whole IQ thing. If a child is experiencing psychosis, how can he really take an IQ test?

His IQ before was 85, not very high, but it was higher then 68. It dropped as he got older, so I started to question what is really going on. Plus, what is worse, a low IQ or a kid with psychosis. To tell you the truth, I can’t answer that.

My temper has not been in check and I am usually quite patient with the boys, but with my older son doing things just to bother people (out of instinct) he is really getting on everyone’s nerves. He at this point appears not to be able to do a simple chore, because that would include him putting down those beanie babies. Anyway:

(WARNING: GROSS AHEAD)

Last night I decided to treat him like he was 5 yrs old. I went into the bathroom with him to brush his teeth, I laid out his PJ’s for him, and I hate to say this on here, but I might have to even sit with him if he’s doing number 2. Due to the fact that he can’t sit for long, he kind of just got up and still had poop in his butt that ended up on the floor.
My younger son doesn’t appear to be enjoying this either. He wants his friend for a sleepover, but with my older son acting like he is, we are not sure if this is a good thing at this time.

trauma is always trauma

2009-02-16T09:07:00.000-08:00

So my little guy loves monster trucks. Here is an example, you dont have to watch the whole thing.

He watches this show and its such a thrill for him, so like the good dad I try to be, well, more like things i can bribe them with, I bought tickets to see Monster Trucks Jam LIVE! The tickets were 30 bucks a piece, but we got good seats, and I figured its a 'once in a lifetime event', so splurge away.

I kept it as a surprise, and it made them crazy just wondering what it could be. We went from 'video arcade' to 'ice fishing', don't ask me where they got the idea of ice fishing. As for the video arcade, don't worry, I have taken them numerous times to the arcade, so im not sure why they would even think it would be a big surprise.

So I wasn't going to tell them until they figured it out. They didn't figure it out till my little one saw the 'stage'. He knew exactly what it was.

He was so thrilled. As for my older son, well, he had his game boy, and that was pretty much all he needed to have a good time.

So we all sat there. I gave them ear plugs, (you just never know) and we sat.

Now there was a story on the news just recently about a 6 yr old boy who was killed at this monster truck show with flying debris. My son started huddling next to me and he said he was scared because of the boy.

geeessshhhh, i totally forgot about that.

Then comes the monster trucks, and varoommmmmm.......it was LOUD. My younger son flipped out. I took them outside in the hallway and my little one was holding his ears shaking, freaking out. He said he wanted to go outside, he didn't want to stay.

As for my older son, who was standing close by, was playing his game boy. He said its real loud and didn't like it, but I have a feeling for him, he just couldn't care less, since he had his game boy with him.

at first i tried to talk him into staying by saying that maybe we can go as high to the top as possible, but he was shaken so much that the best thing for all of us was to just go home.

I kept telling him it was fine, no big deal, and kept assuring him that it was to loud for me too. I know deep down he probably was more angry at himself and he felt he let himself down as he always wanted to see this.

I should of remembered when he joined little league as he is a gifted athlete. HE went up to bat and hit a home run, the crowd was cheering. When he reached home base, he held his ears and said "i want to go home" and that was the last time he ever played again.

He just doesn't do noise so well. He can't handle it.

IQ what?

2009-02-13T11:22:00.000-08:00

well, we got the score of my older sons IQ test and it was 68. I knew he was slow, but I guess i just didn't want to hear he was considered mentally retarded. The weirdest thing is, he is always asks if he is a 'retard', as he puts it.

I guess when my kids came, i often wondered what kind of adults will they be, will they be able to work, be self-sufficient. My expectations of them have gotten lower as where before i wondered what college they will go to, now its can they get through High School. Can they get a trade? Can they learn to pump gas?

It saddens me to look at my older son and really look at what his future is. he is aware he is limited and has so many fears due to his PTSD.

I ask myself is he in the right school, he is in a regular public school. I guess when I asked the teacher if he had friends, she said "yes, they all like him and look after him". That was not what I was asking.

I don't want kids to 'tolerate' him.

Anyway, feeling down today, not sure what direction I want to go in. They are going to be more tests, so Ill have to wait. Then comes the IEP meeting.

Still not sure what all of this means.

gay marriage

2009-02-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

you know, i had a long post on my feelings on prop 8. I just deleted the whole thing, this video really says it all....

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

three simple words 'invalidate Prop 8'

face book

2009-02-07T14:07:00.001-08:00

Face book. Ok, I admit it, I joined. However, the weird thing is, I have all these people who want to be my friend. But I never met them before so I am not quite sure why they want to be my friend. I am not even that good looking and I’m not that all entertaining or interesting.

I don’t even know how they find me. I’m thinking that maybe if I am friends with someone, then all their friends want to be friends with me. I really don’t quite get that at all.

Who wants friends anyway? I’m having trouble keeping up with the ones I already have.

So I’m loser, and I feel like a snob when I deny their friendship, but I don’t have the time to be friends with people I don’t know. I don’t even have the time to be friends with people I know for that matter.

Now, I’ll be honest, when I first joined face book, I accepted a couple of ‘friends’ that weren’t actually, well, friends. I might have known them, but I wouldn’t exactly call them friends. They were friends with a friend who was a friend of a friend…..you know what I mean. And truth be told, I found myself desperate for friends, any friend, since I only had one friend on my page. It was a desperate plea as I knew people would probably feel sorry for me for only having 1 friend posts. I know I know, Pretty pathetic, but my page seemed so empty.

Well, because of that mistake, I get photos of these peoples life on my ‘wall’ and every freaking comment by people I don’t know. Why on earth do I want to see people’s pictures that I don’t know and hear what people think of the photo? It’s my own damn fault for accepting them. I learned the hard way. My wall is covered with people I don’t really know.

Now in between these gibberish, comes my real ‘friends’, people that I actually know. I look at their profile, and they have like over 400 friends on their list. How in the world do they have 400 friends? I know them, and I never knew they had all these friends, maybe they had some secret life that I didn’t know about. Where were all these people when we were hanging out?

I have to admit, I feel jealous sometimes, because I have like 9 friends. What makes this even worse, out of the 9 I have, I only actually talk to three of them on a somewhat daily basis.

But then I stop and think how in the world does one get 400 friends? Geesshhh, I can’t even imagine what it would be like. When I was in High School or even college for that matter, I knew alot of people, but no way did it come close to 400 friends.

I wouldn’t know what to do with over 400 friends. Its really quite bizarre when you think about it.

But then we have the dreaded update 'wall' messages. It says things like 'Dan is watching TV'....'Joanne is getting ready for work'....’bill is going on vacation’.

As I stare at the computer and see this ‘update’ line, all I can ever think to write is “I’m looking at face book write now” because in fact, as boring as that sounds, that’s really all I am doing at that moment. I’m not watching TV, I’m not going on a vacation, I’m not getting ready for work, because if I was, I wouldn’t be on face book.

So what is it? what is that drives people, even people I know, to let me know exactly what they are doing at that moment. When in fact, when you read the ‘update’, it also tells you when they posted it…. So what is the point? Do I need to know that you were watching a rerun of law and order 2 days ago?

I have read some useless crap in my life, but this 'update' is really over the top. Who cares? Someone please, if you are out there and really care what your friends are doing every minute of the day, please tell me.

Maybe its me. Do all those 400 friends care that Bill is going on Vacation or Dan is getting ready for work? Please tell me its not me.

Oh, just in case any body really wants to know what I am doing right now, is that I am writing this post for my blog. Its 1/7/09 at 5:56pm. OF course by the time you read this, I’m sure I will be doing something else so just ignore this whole post.

what is this?

2009-02-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

Hi folks, Just wondering if anyone can help me out there. I am not exactly sure what to make of this. My 13 yr old son plays this game with beannie babies. They are fighting with each other. I guess I wouldnt be concerned to much, he does have a wild imagination.

But its the movements that bother me. It really is weird to watch.

He can play this game for hours. In fact, its pretty much the only thing that truly interests him. Well, dragon ball z interests him when its on TV. Dont want to give the wrong impression out there.

There is an upside to this, he wont play it in the front yard, due to someone seeing him, so he has some awareness on how weird it is and how he must look. OF course I have been known to drop a hint here and there, "buddy, your 13 yrs old, are you sure
you want to play that in the front?".

The video I have, is just an example. Sometimes the game can get violent as the beannie babies go flying through the air and crashing into the TV, the lamps. These beannie babies have been known to knock pictures off the wall.

The one thing we do know, it is a fighting game, he does come up with a story line on this. But he does get really deep into this play. Not sure if the sound will come out on the video, but he makes this 'swooshing sounds' when he plays, like they are fighting.

I dont know, maybe its not big deal at all, but he has been playing this game for a few years now. He runs around the house and spins and I guess Im just worried.

Then again, I have no idea what 'normal' is anymore, so who knows.

any idea if this is just play, or is there something else going on? If you cant tell by this video, ill try to get another one.

IEP meeting

2009-02-02T11:07:00.000-08:00

So we had my younger sons IEP meeting. Now mind you, we went to look at this private school before hand and they informed us that they don't take kids mid year. If anything, he might be eligible for next year.

I have repeatedly told people how lucky we are with this school district, and I was getting nervous that there was going to be a fight around placement.

They mentioned an out of district school, which i was happy about.

so this is what we are going to do. For the reminder of the year, he will be getting 1:1 tutoring plus after school tutoring three times a week, and in April we will reconvene and see if there is any improvement, if not, they will be willing to look at out of district placement.

The meeting lasted longer then I anticipated and it seemed like everyone was on the same page.

I am not sure if we didn't know about the school not taking kids mid year, if we would be in their fighting for the switch, but this way it looks like we are working with them and they will be working with us. Give and take, but in reality, there was nothing we were really giving away. But hey, they dont need to know this.

Take about bizarre

2009-02-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

I left my job of 15 yrs in July 08. It was a huge risk for me, but i wanted to work closer to home to be nearer to the kids in case anything happened. You know those calls you get from the school.

I am now working, get this, working with families in a treatment facitlity to reunite them with their kids who for many reasons were taken away.

Kinda of an odd job for someone who has seen first hand what abuse and neglect can do to children, but here I am, working with the families on getting the kids back and keeping them.

even though I am an adoptive parent, i still am a true believer that kids should be with their birth families if at all possible. But I also feel there needs to be a time when when the parents rights are terminated so the child does not have to stay in limbo/ foster care, for a long time.

Ok, so here is the bizarre part.

A new family came in and they were assigned to me. It turns out, that the father, is my childrens birth Uncle. I wasnt sure when we first met, but after putting all the pieces together, it is clear he is.

Whats even weirder, his SO has the same last name as mine.

After realizing this, I quickly took my kids pictures off my desk and told my supervisor that I cannot have this family for my clients.

To be honest, I really wanted to keep them so I can find out some stuff, but I knew it would be unethical if I did, so I gave them up.

He really is a nice guy and I keep wondering what would happen if i told him.

He has no contact with his sister anymore (my kids birth mother), stated he hadnt seen her in years.

oh, their little one, is the cutest kid also. Whats even odd about this, is when the little boy, he is 2 yr old, gets upset in the day care room, he comes looking for me. I can re-direct this kid real easy.

Im sure he must be picking up some vibe that I think hes special.....(as hard as I try to treat everyone the same).

This really has caused some rift with me, as I sit in clinical meetings and they discuss this family, I have this need to protect them. I have to sit on my hands and hum a little tune in my head so I dont yell "you have no idea what your talking about, you dont know what his childhood was like....blah blah blah...."

The good part is, they dont suspect a thing. We just hired a new social worker and this was the newest family that came in and thats why they went to her. They were disappointed, but understood.

I really like them though. He was 14 or 15 yrs old at the time of the removal of my kids. I even have a picture of him in my kids lifebooks.

So, that my bizarre story. Not sure where this will go, but it really is interesting to be so close to a blood relative of my children.

So here i am, hands under my legs, biting my tounge, pretending he is just like every other client, when we all know, he really isnt just like every other client, hes my kids Birth Uncle.

bullet has died

2009-02-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

yes folks, my sons anole has finally died. I know it might sound cruel, but I am really happy about it.

why just yesterday, I was at the pet store buying crickets for this thing and asking the clerk if there was a way I can kill it.

Now before you go thinking I am mean hearted, let me explain.

This anole my younger son had, was given to him by a friend from Florida. It was a wild anole. We took good care of it, then all of a sudden it got sick. He was a wild reptile that should not of been in captivity in the first place. but he had him for quite a while.

Eventually the poor thing stopped eating and for the last 2 months, yes 2 months, this thing has been wasting away to nothing. His ribs started to show and you can see him breathing real heavy.

At one point we thought he had died and when we went to bury it, the thing moved its head. It was kinda freaky. He just didnt want to die, and we didnt know what to do.

Everynight we would watch this poor thing, drink the drips of water off the side of its glass cage. My son had a hard time watching it, as I did too.

So you see, my hopes for this thing to die, was that it appeated to be suffering. I have no idea why it hung on as long as it did. It was very painful for my younger son and I watch.

oh, In case you dont know what an anole looks like, here is a picture of a healthier time. Funny, but that lizard kinda grew on me.

Quiet time

2009-02-01T05:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone is still sleeping so i have some quiet time. I love this time of the day, I get my coffee and just sit. Ill start cleaning in a little bit, but for now, i can just catch up on the news and think about what my day will bring.

I have been sick for the last few days with a head cold and it wiped me out yesterday. At least I am feeling better today, so i hope that its on its way out.

Were in for another snow storm on Tuesday, and I gotta tell you, I'm done with the snow. I look out my dining room window and wonder if i will ever see the ground again. Its piled so high. But hey, Its New England, what do I expect.

As i mentioned before about my younger son has a learning disability, I just received a phone call from my older sons school. The psych at his school told me that he is not sure if this school is the right placement for him.

He just entered middle school this year. To be honest, my older son is, well, how shall I say this...slow.

He has been in a behavioral classroom pretty much his whole life and this year they took him out because his behaviors have gotten so much better. But now he is starting to act out. I got a note sent home that he turned over a desk and chair. He does not do this stuff at home.

He is VERY sensitive and kids make fun of him, he will go off. His biggest fear is that he mentally retarded. His IQ is very low when we got him tested 3 yrs ago, but there was so much going on for him at that time, we kinds took it with a grain a salt.

I am going to get him tested again and see where he is at.

Well, there you have it, my two kids are pretty much being asked to leave public school.

Sometimes when i think we have overcome so much, there seems to be something always lurking, waiting for our defences to be down and then crash. Life isn't suppose to be easy.

The weird thing is, I go through this jealousy stage, its not a long stage, its only when i start to stress about taking time off from work to go to meetings, start going on new school tours, doctors appts. etc. I start to get angry at 'normal parents' with 'normal kids'. I don't want to hear about them or see them or even talk to them. Yea, I'm bitter, I said it.

The stage really only lasts a short time but when its hear, it really is bothersome. I have this knack to project, and its always seems to be doom and gloom, kinda like looking at the glass half empty.

But then as I take the steps, one step at a time, the sun does come out and the glass becomes half full again.

IEP

2009-01-30T13:14:00.001-08:00

well, Monday is my younger sons IEP meeting, after having him tested, it is clear he has an LD.

We did go to the open house that offers orton gillingham. The school sounds really good.

I guess what pisses me off the most is that his social worker and teacher told us that he probably needs this school but they always end it with "you didn't hear it from us" because it will cost the town alot of money to send my kid there.

He is 11 yrs old and doesn't know the alphabet yet and cant read, when does the school finally say "uh, we just cant teach him?"

the doctor that did the testing felt that we need to hire an attorney. The school probably wont pay for it.

Sometimes i think to myself "why cant these kids get a break"

now my older son, well, that's a whole other story. They called and the psych at school feel he is in the wrong school. That it is not an 'appropriate setting' due to his IQ being low.

I have been saying this for a while, but they just wouldn't agree with me. So now the kid is 13, and he is feeling so different then all the other kids.

I don't know, just a vent, just frustrated, not sure what we are going to do.

school issues again

2008-10-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

My younger son, who is 10, has been having a read hard time with learning, his self estemm is shot. He has "severe case of dyslexia" per the school. We noticed the signs, but didnt realize it had gotten so bad.

he apparently is doing about 5-10 minutes of work a day at school, due to his defiance. He is at a place now where he wont even try. He wont do any 1:1, wont even count to 10 stating "I cant do it"...his mantra at the moment. I know he can count to 10.

He cant read or write.

We are at a loss, they suggested that maybe a different school would be in order and i checked into one of the schools they mentioned, and it seems like a great school, its a few towns over (which bothers me) but apparently its really hard to get in.

when my son was moved in kindergartin to another school, it was so traumatic for him but it was the best thing for him. This year, how our school is set up, kids with learning disabilities in 4th grade, get moved to the other school. He didnt want to leave his old school, but all his classmates and friends, were moving also so it was an easier transition.

they are stating that it is so diffulcult to see him suffer like he is because he just wont do the work.

He stated to me that he will kill himself/ runaway, or whatever if he has to leave the school he is in now.

he just doesnt want to move. (mind you, i never even mentioned that he might be leaving the school, he figureres when we have a meeting with the school, that is what we talk about (past history, but he is right)

Homework is also a struggle at home, it can take him quite a long time to do it, with alot of tears and screams.

i have asked for them instead of 45 minutes of reading, try 15 and use a timer to at least let him get back in the swing, and we also decided that his homework assignments might be real easy stuff that he can do with his eyes closed.

We started him back on clonidine again, to hellp with the anxiety, so we will see.

anybody out there with a kid with dylexia, he is on the wilson program, which is the program of choice with his disability, he just refuses to do the work.

medication issues

2008-06-27T16:47:00.000-07:00

As most know, my son was put on risperdol and it worked wonders. He was on it for quite a few years with no major side effects, but then had this 'neck twitching' thing. It ended up being really bad that anytime he got nervous his neck would go through this twitching thing.

we took him off it, it was long slow process and put him on geodone. (sp?) this didnt seem to do anything, it just made him kinda hyper. His thoughts were all scrambling, and he appeared worse. Plus, his eyes would roll and twitch.

The doctor saw the eyes rolling, so we took him off that and put him on abilify.

well, he has been on abilify, which works a little like the risperdol, which is a good thing, but after a while, his eyes started to roll again, which seems to be worse then before.

I got nervous today and called the doctor. She basically said she is all out of ideas on meds. He seems to be having reactions to this anti-psycotic meds.

I am at a loss on what to do. she said she will look further into other meds but the only ones she knows of, are like haldol, thorazine, and she doesnt like putting kids on these older medications.

so, here I am pleading for HELP. Does anyone know any other meds out there that we might want to try before these others.

i wish i could say we should take him off of everything, but when he was coming for the risperdol. the paranoia set in then the hearing voices started again.

please help. Im desperate.

is it me?

2008-03-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

So were dying the Easter Eggs and I tell the boys that they have to go to bed early tonight so the Easter Bunny will come. (oh dear God, please have them go to bed early..)

My older son, who believes in the tooth fairy still, says "yea, we have to go to bed early"

My younger son turns around and says "We know its you, your the one who hides the eggs"

Well, I know the gig is up. We barely made it through Christmas with my younger son blabbing.

My older son was real good due to Santa coming and we all know what Santa leaves for little boys that make bad choices... Plus, he lives in his own world, that I dont think it even registered with him what my younger son was saying about no such thing about Santa.

But this is about the Bunny.

So then I quickly look at my older son to see his expression on his face, and have him freak out that the Easter Bunny is not coming since there is no such thing. That is where my older son would automatically go. Welcome to the meltdown.

But instead, it seems he didnt even hear him, because he didnt say anything, then with a smile on his face, he says "Yea, we know it's you, I always see the Easter Eggs in your closet " (no, not boiled eggs, those plastic ones..)

Ok, so does this mean he knows there isnt a tooth fairy? I mean, he just lost a tooth 3 days ago and talked about the tooth fairy, just as much as he has been talking about the Easter Bunny. He is 12 and we knew we would have to tell him, but we figured sooner or later, he would figure it out. But we started to worry, after all, he is 12!!!!!!!

oh, by the way, they are NOT crushed and I havnt scarred them for life, unlike other parents that I have talked to that think by 'pretending' there is a n Easter Bunny, or even a Santa Claus that they would be traumatized for life and learn never to trust us.

God only knows what your parents did to you, to make you so traumatised about Santa Claus. I can see if it was a clown, I mean, who isn't afraid of a clown.

where am I going with this...oh yea, the Easter Bunny. How quickly I get off track.

So, after we are all done, my younger son turns to me and says "should we get the carrots"

I say "for what?"

and he says "for the Easter Bunny, in case his hungry"....oh I give up.

cat fish must go

2008-03-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

I do love having little fishes swimming around in their tanks. What a beautiful site and the sound it makes, from the water from the filter, really does sound peaceful.

But what if you find, that in your beautiful fish tank, is a 5 inch ugly cat fish, with bulgy eyes and whiskers.

Well, welcome to our fish tank.

My younger son just loves to go fishing, but what he likes even more, is taking a net and scooping up the drudge from the bottom of the lake. fun fun fun

So last spring, he drudges up this cat fish, well, we werent exactly sure what it was, it was about 1 inch long. He also scooped up two cray fish. They were each about 1 1/2 in long.

He decides that he really wants them, and the lesson about ’taking them from their friends and there surrondings, and they might get sad and loney’ didnt go over very well. Well, it worked for me, when I was there age, but I wasnt that bright.

So with pail and one small fish and two cray fish in tow, were home to release these brown things in their tanks.

So off to the computer we went to learn how to take care of these little creatures, we werent really sure what he caught at that time.

First we found out that the cray fish need to be by themselves, so off to the pet store to buy a seperate tank for them, then they needed to have something that they can hide under. (like a cave), so i have one of those. Didnt know they didnt like to share, but I’ll get to that later.

Then came the ugly fish. Well, my son was determined to figure out what kind of fish it was, at that point we didnt know, so he looks it up in the book. I cant spell encylopedia...oh wait, did I just spell it write? but i digress.

Well, we discover it was a cat fish or bottom feeders or shit eaters. what ever term you are most comfortable calling them. Oh, "they eat anything", says the pet store man. So thats good news. That dirty little fish.

Well, its been a year now, and I guess the king of the cray fish was not about to share his ’hiding place’ or as I like to call it ’his throne’, the other cray fish ended up dying. I guess they really do need a place to hide....

Now the other cray fish, is as boring as this blog, and darn thing just sits under the ’cave’, and wont come out for nothing. So we are just looking at an empty fishtank. Oh what fun....

Well, guess who decided to come out and grab a bite to eat.....the cray fish, and he isnt an inch anymore, the darn thing is about 5 inches long. The thing grew overnight. Oh, and here is some important facts about cray fish...when you see them ’pale white’ just kinda floating around the tank, dont think they are dead. They shed their bodies.....AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was ready to dump and clean out the fish tank because I thought that ugly thing was dead, but little did I know, he was still in his cave, alive and well, and left me a lovely little gift....

Now on to that cat fish, and this is the reason why I am writing. This is the most dumbest fish that I ever met. He is now 5 inches long, and the tank is just to darn small for him. His eyes are even more buldgy then before and his whiskers have grown about 2 inches long.

He has no idea when its feeding time, even though I feed him the same time everyday. He comes out looking stupid and isnt even use to any of us. We had guppies smarter then him.

But our gold fish, every morning, when he sees us, he swims up to the top, with a big ol smile on his face because he knows he is going to get some food, but NOT this cat fish, oh NOOOOOOOOOOOO, he just give you this stupid look and has no clue why your even looking at him...durrrr...

Well, before we go spending alot more money on a bigger tank, I talked to the guy at the pet store with my son in ear shot and asked about releasing him back in the lake and if he will die. He said he wouldnt....

So come the warm weather, we will have to go our seperate ways. The cray fish and the cat fish need to go be amongst their own kind, and we’ll go back to buying guppies. Unless of course my son decides that he doesnt want to use the live bait for fishing anymore, and wants to bring the bait home to put in the tank.

yet another project

2008-03-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

This is the second time that my son comes home with the same project that he has to do three times. What is up with that?

First it was the Solar System, fine, but he had to do 3 projects on it. When I was in school, I just got a box and hung alluminum foil by string and that, my dear friends, is what I called the Solar System.

But not my sons class...he needed to do 3 projects.

So guess who comes home last week with a new assignment, my son. Now he has pick a hero and do three projects about him or her. What is up with these 3 projects?

He could pick anyone, we talked about doing his cousin since he fought in Iraq and has 2 purple hearts, but he wanted to do Martin Luther King. Which actually, would be much easier....lol...alot more info on him..

So here we go again, three projects on Martin Luther King. When doing three projects, it really takes fun and learning out of it, because then it becomes a goal to get it done instead of actually really investing the time on one project and giving it you all.

Oh, but if that wasnt bad enough.

When I talked to his teacher, he told me that it wasn't him assigning it, but the teacher that he has for social studies since he is matinstreamed in there. He told me that he has tried telling this teacher that 'his kids' cant do three, and some cant even do one, but it is what it is and there is nothing that he can do about it, since it's the required assignment.

The biggest issue i have, you ready for this, is that the ones that dont do it, have to lose recess to do the project.

What is up with that? OK, so you get the special needs kids mainstreamed in a regular social studies class, but they cant or wont do the projects (not sure what it is) and you take them and have them miss recess. Annnnnd thiiiiiiis helps them, how?..I must of missed of that one.

Why don't we really aleinate them even more already. Not only do they stand out because they didnt do three projects, but they have to miss recess because of it. Lets see how we can crush their self esteems even more, oh good, its actually working, they even less then now.

well, my son only did two of the projects, three was just too much. I am so pist because the last things these kids need is to lose recess, the only time where they can run and burn off the energy. These boys (they are all boys, go figure) need to get out and run for them to function.

These are suppose to be educators, why dont they educate themselves in how physical activity actual helps kids to learn better.

So now we have to deal with reprocrussions, my son doesnt ever want to go to school again. Every morning he tantrums and it is just getting worse.

yesterday he said he hurt his ankle, oh the pain and drama. But when he gets home, it amazingly seems better.

this morning, he says "well, I guess I did to much walking on it when I got home, because it really hurts now and I cant walk, which means I cant go to school"...

WHAAAAAALLLLLLLL. He missed the bus yesterday due to his tantruming, and he almost had a near miss today.

The bottom line is, he feels so 'stupid' and as he is getting older, he is realizing how far he is behind and it really is bothering him.

I wish I can help him, but he doesnt want us to know how he isn't as smart as the other kids. God knows he isnt comparing himself to his class.

The reality behind all this, is that he is a really smart kid. We have gotten alot of feedback on how impressed they are with his building skills and his ideas. HE thinks everything out, and his structures are solid. He is able to think very abstractly, and has done this since he was a little kid. He is known to look things up in the encylopedia when he wants to find out things and can put togther anything by looking at the 'picture directions'. He has taken things out of the garbage and fixed them. He really is amazing when it comes to this stuff, that I actually stopped saying "let me do it before you break it" because the reality is, at 10 yrs old and even way before that, he doesnt break anything.

But he knows he is good at that, so he has no fear on learning and doing it, its the stuff that he feels he isnt good at, that caused these meltdowns.

geodon

2008-03-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Has anyone heard of this med before? my older son has gotten a tic from the risperdol, after it working for quite a few years so we have been weening him off it for the last two months.

But lately he has been coming extrememly agressive with his kicking, punching walls, cursing, banging his head and trying to scratch out his eyes. Behaviors that we havnt seen in a long time.

We were hoping that when he got off the risperdol, he would be ok, but clearly that is not the case.

I suggested abilify to the doctor but she wants to try this med first due to lack of side effects.

I never heard of this. Has anyone ever used this before, and if so, any positive or negative results.

make them stop

2008-03-04T08:18:00.000-08:00

Its been a tough few nights over here. My little guy has been tantruming, talking back, and just down right nasty. Last night, my older one, had his meltdown. Its been a very long few nights.

So, were back to square one. The rules are in place and they will have to pay their consequences.

Rule 1: If homework is not down at after school, then as soon as they get home they have to do it. Not when they want.

Rule 2: No talking back. They can lose chips or take a time out.

Rule 3: Picking up after themselves. They have a tendency to just drop what ever is in their hands on the floor when they dont want it.

Rule 4: WHen they are having a meltdown, they can either go on the mini trampoline and jump, or lose chips. If need be, for my older son who 'gets stuck' we can do a hug or our secret handshake.

Rule 5: When they are mean to each other with words, then for every bad thing they say, they can either lose a chip, or say something nice back.

Rule 6: Inappropriate Language: lose of chip, or have them come up with something better then poo poo head.

Rule 7: No more computer games or play station on school nights. It causes nothing but wide awake kids and alot of yelling when we have to shut it off.

It's posted, were done and everyone is clear.

So we will see how it goes, I'll try to be optomistic. So here we go....

THE WAR IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

party is over

2008-03-01T08:18:00.000-08:00

ok, so friday I get a call that the little one wasnt feeling well. He gets home and pukes everything that he tried to eat. (lovly isnt it?)

I had him lay down at 7pm and he fell asleep.

We woke up to a snow storm, the day of his party.

A few people called the night before, and now we were in charge of bringing 4 kids with us. 3 would meet us there. So to me, thats a party. 7 kids, my little one my older one.

one of the kids that we were suppose to bring, didnt show or call, so we waited and then we had to go. So my son was late to his own party....if you can believe that. But that is not what this post is about.

Which brings me to my next issue (and I got a load of 'em). One of the children that was dropped off with us, was clearly, to me anyway, a child that you wouldnt 'drop off'. He was OUT OF CONTROL. Now I'm fine with a kid with issues, Lord knows, I have had my share of parties where I was worried that my kid might go off, but I wouldnt just drop him off and NOT say a word.

He was a huge handful, and actually I almost had to restrain the child a few times because he kept running away to do whatever he wanted. Clearly the child had mental illness, but also very agressive.

I wasn't mad at the kid, but mad at the parent who just dropped him off and didnt say a word. I hate to say this, but he wasnt a 'drop off kid', he was a kid that the parent should of said "thanks for the invite, but would you mind if I stayed because if he gets over stimulated, he becomes out of control." Thats what I usually say. Or better yet, JUST STAY!.

I had no idea what was wrong with him or how to handle him since his mom just took off without a word. I felt bad because we spent so much time trying to deal with this kid, that my son's birthday party was rushed so we can get this kid back to his mother. The 'party person' was a little uncomfortable around him, so she didnt say much either. To think I had to tip her when we had to do pretty much everything because everyone was nervous around this kid.

First thing I did when i got him in the car, was call his mom to pick him up. Guess who was 40 min late picking him up? I had to call her two times to find out where she was.

The bottom line is, my son had a good time, and its OVER. I think Next year, we will do things a little different. This was the first year that we let our son invite anyone who he wanted. Last time we do that...

little one birthday party

2008-02-28T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to think. My son invited his whole class to his birthday party and some other kids. The party is Saturday and only 3 kids have said they would come.

We had a RSVP on the invite. He is starting to worry that no one will show, and the truth is, I'm thinking the same way he is.

Maybe I dont know what the etiquette is on kids birthday parties. But doesnt RSVP mean call to let us know either way.

Now he wants to call all his friends to see if they are coming. I dont know how to handle this. I dont want him stalking them...

Why doesnt parents realize that by not calling leaves a child in anxiety. Have we become so self absorbed that we cant even think about a childs feelings?

What gets me, is this party costs us alot of money, and I cant give a headcount because NO ONE FREAKING RSVP'D...

Who knows, maybe they will do the RSVP thing the day before the party. Maybe they just want to make sure nothing better comes up......oh wait, thats me....(only kidding) LIke I got alot of offers to go do some fun things.

stinky stink

2008-02-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

Every morning before I go to work, I hit the Dunkin Dounuts. Every morning I order the same thing. "Number 3 please".

Is it that wrong to say "a number 3 please, and may I have the man make my coffee"?

It's not that I dont like women making my coffee, but they smell. They wear perfume to work. And it's not a particular nice smelling perfume, but who am I to judge. I'm sure alot of people like that smell. But that is not what this is about, its about the smell clinging on to everything. And yes, the smell clings on to the top of my coffee lid.

Every morning, the lid of my coffee smells like perfume!!. I dont want to smell anything, or taste anything for that matter, but my coffee. Is that asking to much?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those 'frangence free' people, you know THOSE kind of people. All I want, is what I am paying for, a cup of coffee that actually smells like coffee as I slowly take a sip, not some womens perfume, is that so wrong? Now before anyone calls me a sexist, if it was a guy who wore cologne, I would be complaining about the same thing, but in this specific Donkun Donuts, it's the women who wear perfume. (can't even believe I have to clarify this..)

They really should have people that work in those places, 'fragrence free'. Who knows, maybe I'm turning into one of THOSE fragrence free people. I hope not, I hate those people.

Well, there is my vent today. All I want is to get myself a nice hot cup of coffee without smelling someones 'stinky' before I take a sip. Is that asking to much? After all, I did pay for a cup of coffee and never asked them to put 'smelly' on top.

Well, apparently it is, since the women really do not like it when you request the man to make your coffee. Boy, everyone is so sensitive these days...does everyone need an explanation on why? It's dunkin donuts for petes sake....geeessssshhhhh.

more mosiacs

2008-02-17T08:22:00.000-08:00

On to those mosicas again in Sunday School. What a nightmare. The kids got so dirty and sticky from all the grout. It seemed much easier when it was just my kids and myself. But to teach a bunch of kids, well, it got kinda messy.

The boys in the class of course were just having a ball. I dont mean that in a positive way. They were running up and down the halls with grout all over the hands threatening to smear on it people.

The girls of the class, did a great job. They finished their projects and couldnt wait to clean their hands....

But now I am stuck doing the rest by myself and cleaning up the kids projects because it was such a mess. It will take me a few days scrapping the grout off of each one because you cant even see the glass pieces they used so much grout...lol

Remind me never to fill in for the teacher again. I'm sure the parents weren't to keen on trying to get the glue and grout off their kids fingers....lol.

Reminds me when I was doing ceramics in school. I was working on the pottery wheel and I was making a porcelain bowl. Well, I wasnt very good at it, and I always took the last wheel in the corner, figurinng it was safe there and I could just blend in. So there I was, in the corner, with the coat rack.

Well, I was spinning away madly with my porcelain and then my friend next to me said "uh, John, look at the coats"....you see, alot of artists like black coats. And well, porcelain is white.

I looked up, and all over those dark coats, were splatters of white porcelain clay.

So I slowly got my coat and headed out the door and didnt say a word.

Now, if any of them are reading this, I'm sure they are cursing me right now.

But it was my last week at Sunday School, the teacher comes back next week and I'm better at just 'helping out'...

I have to sit alone.....

2007-08-07T16:51:00.000-07:00

i know this is probably more common then i think, but i cant even sit and watch tv with the kids because they fight over who will sit next to me.

I know it sounds weird, but the minute i sit down, then one yells "im sitting next to daddy"...then they both get up and race, and it actually gets physical.

so i basically get up and sit by myself. (in the hard uncomfortable chair..... )

i have tried timing, but then it goes into this "im first' argument.

it really is bothering me. I get the 'not enough love to go around' stuff, but knowing why it is happening, just doesnt seem to be enough.....lol

so what have others done, it really is driving me crazy. Its not like i dont spend alot of time with them, i spend tons of time with them.

what have others done, im sure this is a common problem, but with kids with loss issues to boot, not sure how to handle it.

bossy behavior

2007-06-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

ive been so busy with the adoption and all that great stuff. But i need some advice.

My older son has been very bossy and disrepectful. He 'demands' our time when he needs us, and it's starting to wear thin.

If he losses something, he tells us we have to help him find it.

"I'll help you after I finish the dishes" doesnt work for him...he goes into this "you never help me"..."you dont love me"..."your so mean".....crap.

then he starts screaming that someone 'stole' the thing he is looing for...

then i say
"if you keep talking to me like that, I wont help you at all"

then he has a major meltdown, and well, we dont help him,

how can i change this behavior. he has been doing this for so long and im just plan sick of it.

I know i havnt been as active here as before, but if there is any advice that any of you have to stop this behavior, i would appreciate it.

we are on a 'chip' system (reward system) and when he is disrepectful, we take away chips....the system does work with most things, but not this.

I'm not buying that he is being 'trauma reactive' anymore.....because sometimes, when I look at him while he is yelling like a crazy person, i start to laugh, and pending on his mood, he sometimes will laugh to realizing how 'crazy' this is.

I know that in his past, his screaming has gotten him what he wants by all everyone, but not here, but it doesnt seem to register to him that it doesnt work anymore. how many years of this will it take to compute that we are not helping him when he yells like this? .

adoption day

2007-05-20T16:53:00.000-07:00

i just wanted to share the good news that my older son will be adopted on may 24.

as most know, we have been through hell and back with him, and well, its time.

the last few months have actually been very hard due to him testing, but lately he seems to have settled in now, and believes that this is actually going to happen.

i really havnt been on the forum all that much in the last year, but life happens. I just wanted to share with you guys the good news.

i wish i could say id like to end the post there, but well, things might be great for my older son. My younger son, when they fight, cries and says he doesnt want us to adopt our older son.

I know its because he is angry at him, at that moment, but my older son gets really sad when his brother says it.

I have talked to my younger son, but when he is mad, well, he is mad. Of course within the next hour, they are 'brothers' again, and life is back to normal.

but im wondering what is really going on? has anybody had this kind of situation where the sibling is flip floppy on adoption of their sibling.

im sure its common, and i think i get it, but it kills me to see my older sons face when he says it.

anyway, as for more of an update.....

my older son has gotten student of the month a few times, and my younger son, got the principle award last month, which is pretty huge in his school.

we took him off clonidine, he was on such a low dose and only took it at night, but im wondering if that is what it was.

he still is an anxious kid, but who knows. maybe he also is settling in.

Tics

2007-03-31T16:54:00.000-07:00

I have a question, and I figured id put it out here. My older son is currently on tenex and risperdal.

about 1 month ago we were playing around and he hurt his neck...not bad, but clearly something happened.

He seemed fine and it was no big deal.

about 3 days later i started to notice that he would swich (is that a word) his head and neck, like how people crack their knuckles....to get the 'kinks' out sort of speak.

well, i brought him to the doctor who examined him (no x-ray) and said that he pulled a mscl in his neck, and he will be fine. just rest and motrin.

well, he is still doing it. He seems to be doing more and more.

I talked to the nurse at school and she said that it looks like a 'tic'.

So, I'm wondering, can any of these meds cause tics. I checked on the computer and apparently risperdol helps tics...

Ill take him back to the doctor next week, but i figured id put this out there if anyone has ever heard of this before.

feeling hopeless

2007-02-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

both my kids find words or saying that cause people to jump. weather its a control issue or whatever it is.

Ive been trying so hard not to jump on anything they say as it gives them 'power' when they say it.

i understand its a serious threat, so ill jump, but i hope it doesn't send him back now. its such a tough call.

if he did use it for attention, then he will continue to use it as i 'reacted' to it.

hope you guys are right on this one, if not i just screwed myself for some regression.......

God i hate making these kinds of decisions...why cant they just understand that using certain language is not appropriate and then move on....the minute i give any weight to anything they say, its like a mantra for the next few months.

but what are you going to do, just feeling really kinda sad.....ill call his therapist this morning, shes new, so like most therapist, she will take everything he says seriously.....

how does therapy help kids in the long run.....anyone have any idea?...he plays, and she follows his lead, and then they discuss.....but my kids are really seeing it as playing.

i guess i get pist a little because my boys, even though they have issues, still cant be boys. boys are so full of energy yet when they bring that energy into the building they are suffering from anxiety.

the psych from my younger son he is clearly real anxious and we need to up his dose on his meds.

i told her that he becomes a zombie, and i rather continue to use it just for his sleep because he has been doing great in school. I also told her that when he comes to any kind of therapy he gets real anxious because they always ask about his brother...and he thinks that if he says anything wrong they will take his brother away (and for good reason, since this has happened numerous times in our home and they were separated for 3 yrs due to the same stuff before us.)

she said, well, he is anxious, and wants us to try it.

so i decided to try it, because sometimes i do question myself....guess who just stood there at his class recital? He just stood there and this was not from stage fright, it was him just kinda in a zombie effect.

plus, he hasn't been doing well in school again, i have been getting the calls. So i took him off the morning dose.

sorry for venting, I'm in such a hopeless state lately. Im starting to get real tired again, trying to figure them out.

as you can tell, i am questioning therapy again. every time i bring them, its the same crap, my kids are messed up.....but i hate it that i cant say 'well, my 'normal' son does this, can anything be normal about my kids, or will they always be messed up and everything they say or do needs to b e analyzed as such "

just feeling hopeless and feeling very sad for my kids...it appeared to me that wee have come so far, but the experts keep telling me that there are so many issues....

just not knowing what the right thing to do is...i hate this kind of position, I'm damned if i do and damned if i don't.....

Im stupid

2007-02-04T14:52:00.000-08:00

my older son during his tantrums has yelled, "I am stupid" "i hate myself" "i wish i was dead"

I do feel these are legitimate for him.

But now my younger son is starting to say these things, and I use to take those statements as not being serious.

But now I'm wondering. He is behind in school, and I'm not sure if the "i am stupid" is real, as for the "i wish i was dead" is usually when he doesn't get his way, then starts the mantra of 'I'm stupid, I'm this and that, and I wish i was dead'

i got the call Friday from his after school program expressing concern over the 'killing myself' issue.

I'm starting to feel that maybe i should react. I did ask him when i picked him up what he meant by it, he said he really doesn't want to....

i told him that its good to tell how people how you feel, but when you dint mean something, you shouldn't say it...

I'm not sure if he got what i meant...I'm worried that if he gets older and does want to kill himself, he wont tell anyone...

now, that's problem one...

onto problem two......

i took my boys sleigh riding yesterday, and my older son was getting cold and we sat in the car together with the heat on and just watched the other kids and his brother go sleigh riding.

out of the blue, he says "i wish i had a weapon"

i asked him "why?"

and he said "never mind....he didn't want to talk about it"

ok, what the heck does that mean? It was really weird. Did he want to kill his brother or the other kids for having fun?

I didn't press it, i asked him a couple of times of what he meant, and he refused to talk about what he said. I ended with "well, if you ever feel like getting a weapon to hurt someone or yourself, you need to talk to me first"

then he said
"well, I'm going out now..."

he took his sleigh and joined in with the other kids...like nothing had ever happened...

what do you guys make of it?

family history

2007-01-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

well, not sure if i posted this before but my son is doing the 'family history'...the whole ancestor thing.

We have been discussing this with him and he says "well, im adopted, so i dont have to do it."

so i said he can pick me to do the project or we can go on the internet and look at his 'surname' and find out where he comes from.

well, he wanted to do his 'surname'...which comes from england.

then he said his birthdad fought the british....(his bdad is about 24 now....lol)

anyway, part of me wonders why he didnt want me..
...

anyway, I hate these projects, i talked to the school when it first came out, but i guess they wont change the program.

suspended again

2007-01-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

my younger son got suspended from after school. He apprently used a racist remark in front of a bunch of kids.

we have addressed these remarks at home, but i think because he gets such a huge reaction from us, he feels powerful when he says it.

he learned alot of these words from his brother, and i have no idea on how to stop it.

there are times that i think if i just 'slap' him across the face, that would stop it all.....

we tried time outs, we tried taking away chips, we are not sure what to do anymore....

he will go back to afterschool tomorrow and he will have to write a letter to them to say he is sorry....not sure if that will do anything.

he doesnt even know what these words mean yet....to him they are all just curse words and doesnt understand why some 'curse words' are worse then others.

but we are stumped.......

the good news is that the kids will be starting a group with other kids with attachment issues. I cant wait to see to what the therapist is going to say about my two kids having them together.....lol.

there fine one on one...but put them together, and before you know it...all heck breaks out...so it will be fun....i think.

when does this end?

2007-01-03T06:03:00.000-08:00

Just an update since i haven't posted in a while. We got through the holidays, not unscathed, but got through them.

older son has had increase in his meds, and that seems to be what he needed. However, without the structure of his day on vacation, he barely held it together.

he even said "i cant wait till school starts again"...lol

on to my younger son. today is his birthday so i brought cup cakes and juice for his class....

when i went to pick him up from school, the after school director told me that during school he refused to share the cupcakes and juice...

so i get to take them home with him....

his arm is in a cast due to a fracture that he got from my older son, who was playing with him and didn't realize his own strenght...

i also got a note that he had a poor attitude today in school.

the thing that gets me, he was always so excited around his birthday, and now that he is home, he has been doing this 'baby talk'..(did i mention he is getting on my nerves)

id like to say "well, its his bday, and with adopted kids, it can bring up stuff"

but sometimes i wonder if that's just too easy for my kids...

so, i cant wait till its all over, I'm going out of my mind....

first was my older sons bday....at the bowling alley..that was crazy.

then Christmas, we had the family over for the holiday because we thought it would be easier to have them come to us...NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

forgot about the heavy duty cleaning and cooking that one must do.....

then came my sons friends bday party, another loaded day for the boys.

then came New years eve brunch for the family, that we like fools agreed to host this year, so on with the cleaning and scrubbing and cooking.

now its my younger sons bday, so I'm home baking his cake and cooking dinner for a few family members.

then in TWO weeks, off to chuckie cheese we go for his bday party (he really wants it there)

and then I am DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

too many parties, too many disruptions, doesn't make daddy a happy daddy, plus doesn't equal happy kids either....

sorry for the long post....but boy oh boy....I'm popped.

i was driving in my car today to pick up my son so i can bake his cake so i left early from work. On the way, i was listening to some music and Simon and Garfunkel came on....and i started to well up...

i was just getting so sad....

i think I'm starting to crash and my emotions are starting to catch up with me.

its time to put the Christmas decorations away, and i think I'm just gonna do a little at a time....the tree will be last, with all those pine needles everywhere.

Attachment therapy

2006-11-15T06:07:00.000-08:00

Last night i went to a training on attachement. One of the the people from ATNE was leading it.

i guess i just want to know if this is common in AT?

here is a scenario:

child behaves bad and is sent to room due to 'safty'.

child then calms down and all is good. (which makes sence)

but then here was the question asked by someone.

what if the child has trauma in the bedroom, what if it is the bedroom that the child cannot handle.

the responce was
"well, if you tell the child to stop or they will go to their room, and the child then continues, no matter what the child did, you put the child in the room,"

then further explained
"if i was scared of snakes, and there were snakes in the room, i was told that i shouldnt touch that, chances are is that i would not touch that, because i dont want to go in the room, but if i 'touch then i go int he room'

but my feeling was that these kids dont get the cause and effect and wouldnt this be more traumatizing to the child? IF the goal is to build trust, by putting the child in the room that he assoc with trauma, wont that be counter productive?

there were alot of good things said, dont get me wrong, but some things i just had a hard time understanding.

can one of you expert people out there help me understand this....

as some know, we are looking to get our son's AT, but when i hear things like this, i want to run for the hills....
__________________

pink gooshie thing

2006-11-12T06:08:00.000-08:00

My son this morning said he wanted some playdoe, i told him we didnt have any. He became a broken record.

then he said "find me a pink gooshie thing" in his 'argumentative voice.'

he just kept going on and on with insisting me helping him find this pink gooshie thing.

I told him we dont have a pink gooshie thing, and he insisted that i go to the store and buy him this.

this went on and on with me just staying calm and saying we dont have a pink gooshie thing.

finally i couldnt take it, so i told him i was goinng on the bedroom to get away from the conversation.

he of course followed me, so i closed the door on him and he tried to break down the door to come in.

any suggestions, this is an on going issue and it is getting worse.

i need some expert thoughts

2006-11-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

i am starting a group at work for parents who had their kids either removed from them, or are still with them, who have substance abuse, homelessness, and possibly mental health issues that werent being treated.

One of the things we will be focusing on, is for bparents to get the support that they need for themselves, and work on their recovery, like managing AA meetings, or things of that nature.

as most of you know, taking care of kids, is diffulcult, but to take care of kids who were either neglected, or abused, is even harder, and then have the bparent trying to do her/his best to get his/her act together, and being a single parent (in most cases) land yet then raise his/her kids, is almost an impossible task, i cant even imagine it.

so....here is why im writing this thread. I want to find out more about the children, vs the adult.

What does a child look like when they immediatly get removed from bmom and placed with you. what kinda of behaviors do they have.

what do you think a child experiences when they get reunited with their bmom?

what do you think a child experiences when they are goinng through the visitation with bmom?

i am using mom, more then dad here, because the work is mostly around the woman we are treating.

keep in mind, these children that i am talking about WILL be moving back with bmom if she keeps to here treatment plan.

so these questions arent for foster/adopt, they are for foster parents who are fostering the children till the bparents get their 'act' together.

any thoughts....i want to put together a small presentation in the childs voice of what they feel like so these moms have a clue. I dont want them to feel guilty, but get more of a grasp of how there kids feel.

so any thoughts would be appreciated. i know about adoption and kids who were TPR'd, but this is more for the kids who are planning on returning home to bmom, and what that feels like for them.

sometimes i just want to.....

2006-10-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

well, you know what i m ean.

my older son is making us work again as parents. and its not the fun kind of work.

his 'projection' is getting so bad and i am having a hard time dealing with it.

"someone stole this"
"help me now find it"
"you dont love me because you wont help me"

this is constant when h e loses something, and of course due to his 'issues' this is pretty much all the time.

he can never take any responsiblity for anything, its always someone else, and im getting pretty tired of it.

he goes 'right there' and it is getting to us.

what is this?

oh, he did great in school again...he got 'student of the week' because he is working so hard....

i know he is holding together at shcool and letting it out at home, but enough is enough.

as most know, we are on a chip system, im going to give him 5 chips a day and say these are your helping chips, so when you ask for help, you have to give me a chip...and you have up to 5 'helps'.

because after all, everything is a freaking emergency...when he asks for help, you would think he was stuck under a pile of wreckage bleeding to death, thats how loud he gets with it.

but still.....what is this, he doesnt seem to take any responsibility for anything he does.

too much fantasy

2006-10-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

i know i have talked about my son playing with his 'stuffies' (beanie babies)and how he 'shakes them' when he plays with them. The play is usually two of them fighting, action figure kinda thing fighting....

my younger son joins in SOMETIMES, but its usually my older sons choice of play.

now, i never minded it before, because it beats tv and video games.

but latly im starting to worry because it seems thats all my son does.

i watched him close this weekend, even when we went to 'the waterfall' by our house to play, and he had to bring his 'stuffys' along.

i noticed that he has been playing this game, i would say, 80 percent of his waking hours.

he is either eating, watching cartoons, or playing this game.

even when we go on field trips. he needs to bring his 'stuffies' with him.

is this odd? or do other kids play like this? im worried that he is escaping into this fantasy, which can be healthy if its not all the time.

well, im taking them to the corn maze today, we will see if he chooses to play with these stuffies, or have fun in the maze.

maybe im worrying to much....i dont know..

please pass the cheese

2006-10-09T06:15:00.000-07:00

with that whine.......

do they ever stop? My older son had his first sleep over with his friend. they did great together and then m y younger son had a play date with his friend while the older onne stayed home with me.

so i decided to take him hiking...not in the real sence of the word, but to look at this waterfall by our house in the park.

as soon as we got out of the car, he starts clinging to me, sticking his head in my kidneys (i hate when he does this)

he says to me the people are weird, then he wants to hold my hand the whole time, but hes 10 yrs old and it looks kinda odd......

there are days, when he goes in his 'weird' place, a nd i wish he didnt look so normal, i wish i could put a football helmet on his head so people would know that he has some 'special need issues'

so, we walked, about 10 minutes and he kept whinning..."its too hot, im tired' this isnt fun' too many people, the people are all weird and stupid...blah blah blah

here i am thinking im spending some onne on one time with him because this will be good, but all he did was whine and i was sick of it.

now, here is my next issue. Does anyone elses kid do this.

he forgets where he puts everything...i mean everything...he doesnt have the 'smarts' to keep track of his things.

i have found things out side, in the bathroom, in the garage.

but then when he cant find something....he starts yelling blaming us for 'stealing it' or 'taking it'

then when i try to tell him that i didnt wear his shoes, or that i was playing with stuffed animal, he continues to blame me or who ever is in the nearest promixity to craziness.

then he says 'help me find it?'

and if we dont help him find it right away, he goes off...he gets so frustrated.

he doesnt seem to get that we dont touch his things, that he is the one who losses them...its always someone elses fault.

i always tell him that i cant help someone who is yelling at me...but then that just makes him even more angry.

when he finally asks me nice, i will help, and i usually find his thing, because all he does is folllow me around while i look, God forbide he looks in a different place.

and i will tell you, this gets very tiring....

i dont know how to deal with this. but he is not fun to be aroiund when he misplaces something....i mean you can be putting out a fire annd he will rage and yell that you are not helping him look for his stuffed animal..

anyway, my older son and I had some alone time today, and im thinking it really wasnt worth it...it just wasnt fun....at least for me.

the only part that he liked, is when i stopped at the deli and got him a soda....woo hoo...a freaking soda...

you see, when i do this kinda stuff with my younger son, he just loves it, he loves the 'alone time'...he likes the 'father and son' outings....

my older son 'thinks' he likes it.

this cant be happening...

2006-10-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

guess who came home with the principle award? my little guy............

so he got two tickets for chillis.....what fun

i cant believe my kids are doing so well at school...its kind of earry.....

my older son is getting more frustrated with his school work, but he is using his words, instead of his hands...

he is going for a sleep over tomorrow night with a friend of his....im a little nervous about it, but everyone else seems excited about it, so i guess ill let him go.

his friend also has special needs, and we do play dates and stuff and the boys are fine together.

then its special time with my younger son which were looking forward to.

anyway.....so far so good.

we did get the game boy back.....the teacher got it back for him.

im just dropping it, and he is not allowed to bring any toys to school anymore....(i thought that was a rule anyway)

anyway, im hoping that my younger son, by next year can get mainstreamed into a regular class...if he cant, then he has one more year and gets transfered out in the fourth grade.....

i started reading with my older son....its pre-school reading and he still has problems with it....

my younger son just cant read at all.......

but slowly but surely...our goal was to work on the behaviors before school stuff....and i think were moving into the right direction

for today anyway...........

oppositional behavoir

2006-10-05T14:42:00.000-07:00

my younger son has become very oppositional. I'm not sure if its an age appropriate thing and hes testing the waters, he is 9.

He has resulted in destroying things in the house (not as bad as his brothers), he might tear down a picture off the wall, not framed, just art work he or is brother done. He also has been 'screaming' so loud when he doesnt get his way. This is not like him. But it seems to have been increasing.

Also, he still has the lying problem, and not sure how we are going to handle that one.

His tantrums dont last long, and once his time out is over, or he moves onto something else, its like a light switch, he is back to his old self again.

My older son, continues to really do well, and loves school. He still has alot of learning problems, but he has come such a long way. I remember when we first met him, he wouldnt hug at all, and just stand there, now its constant, and God forbide you leave the house without hugging him at least 5 times....

Its actually been a pain to be honest, he will chase you down the street in the car until he gets his numerous hugs.....

oct is here, hold onto your seats

2006-10-04T06:17:00.000-07:00

oct 31 is when my kids were removed from bmom, and usually when fall starts, the kids go a little nutty, but for some reason, im still in denial as fall is my favorite season.

well, i get the call from school that my older son was very frustrated today, he did not tantrum, but did his 'anger stuff'

he went to the nurses office to seat down for a while.

so here we go!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he told me that he sold his gameboy for one dollar..

now he is mad because the kid didnt give him a dollar but kept the game boy..

i know, lessons learned, but my kid would give you the shirt on his back if he thought you would be his friend, he still thinks that giving things to people will make them like him

but the truth is, i want that freaking game boy back, it didnt cost a dollar!!!!!!!!!!!!

would it be weird to call his parents and ask for the game boy back? or should i just say 'oh well...you live you learn'

he has done this in the past, and well, he doesnt quite get the cause and effect, so he just keeps doing it.

but the game boy.....that thing cost me alot of money.

he is going through so much, and at times like this, we tighten the house a little bit with certain things, because we know what can happen if we dont.

what would you do, knowing why he gave the kid the game boy in the first place?...

risperdol

2006-10-01T06:18:00.000-07:00

last Thursday i forgot to give my older son his morning meds...which includes risperdol

when he got home, his note from school said he had a GREAT day, and really worked hard.

then about 1 hour of being home, he starts to tantrum.....i cant even remember what he tantrumed over, something that really didn't make any sense to get that upset over.

it lasted for a while anyways, the crazys were back.

could it be the risperdol? or lack of risperdol i should say?

i have not seen a tantrum like that in a long time.

i always thought risperdol stays in the system for a while, does anyone know?

could of it been the missing dose of risperdol, or was it just him being him.

ahhhh..that feels good

2006-09-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

AHHHHH that feels good.

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hi guys,

here is another attachment tip. i have been doing this since my kids came and i have never seen it written down, and since today is a little cold here, i thought id share.

when i put my kids down to bed, and get them dressed in the morning, i throw their clothes/ PJ's/ and blanket in the dryer for a few minutes.

I forgot how much they loved it, because it was cold this morning here, so i did the dryer thing....the smile on their faces when i put their 'warm clothes' on, i thought that i bet this helps with attachment.

getting that warm and cozy feeling before school and before bed.

anyway, never saw it written down and i just thought id pass it on.....try it, watch the smile on your kids face...

you want to work with WHO?

2006-09-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

you want to work with WHO?

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ok.....im glouting again...sorry guys, but lets face it, over the years, there was nothing but horror with my kids, so just bare with me for the next week or so when i talk about how shocked i am about my kids.

as some of you know, my younger son was kicked out of kindergarting and sent to a different public school because they had that 'special' class.

he just couldnt sit still and his behaviors were off the charts, and they couldnt teach him...so they gave up!!!!!!!! (but i wont go there)

his new kindergartin teacher told us that he was not what she expected and he was learning and doing really well.

we really liked this teacher, she was young, but very tough....something i know my son responds better to..... (at least he responds to my DW better, because she is tougher then i...im still a freaking marshmello) but i digress.

well, come at the end of the year, he did pretty well and learned alot.

well, he is in second grade now, and i got a letter from his kindergartin teacher who asked if she could use my son because she is getting her masters and she would love to work with my son. (she always had a soft spot for him)

of course we said yes!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i guess my point, is that someone actually wants to work with my kiddo, and who knows him.......

so needless to say, my son gets a little special tutoring, because this teacher picked my son to work with.

not sure what she is thinking....but i just put a big 'ol checkmark next to the YES...........

i must dreaming.....but dont wake me, im enjoying this dream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pinch me, i must be dreaming

2006-09-18T06:22:00.001-07:00

pinch me, i must be dreaming

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ok, my older son, came home on friday from school.

in his backpack, i read another perfect day (not surprised, since at home he feels 'safe' enough to let us know how he is really feeling... ..arent we lucky?.. )

but anyway, also in his backpack was 'student of the week' award, which is a huge deal!!!!!!!!

i remember last year when i went to pick up my younger son and over the loud speaker i heard "maryjane smith won student of the week this week"

and maryjane walked down to the office, got her award, and handshakes, and it was a huge thing.....

i remember sitting there feeling a little sad, thinking that my kids will never experience such a thing as that....

until...............

i am so stunned by this....im still in shock. he seems to make light of it, or forgot about it...but i keep telling everyone that i know that he won this....

im not sure if he wants me to, or if he even cares, but i can see a smile on his face when i tell someone.

i will never forget two years ago when i saw him get a little award in his class and i told him how proud i was of him and he asked me "what does proud mean?" because no one had ever said that to him before.

i think he gets it to a certain degree now, by the smile on his face.

he did tell me this morning though that the reason he 'tantrums' at home alot is because he doesnt like school...

however, he only tantrumed the first few days of the week at home after school...

I am trying to distract him the minute he gets in
the car.........

he also told me that the reason he hates his afterschool is because he misses us all day...

very sweet, but im not sure im buying into that yet....lol.
he can go so far until i start to get my guard my up..

oh, heres a biggy...

he wants to take violin lessons...

so we rented a violin for him and he already is practicing...

i just hope he doesnt get too frustrated and decide to smash it....those little things cost alot of money....

he promised me he wouldnt...

but if this music thing takes.....i would be so happy...he has his first lesson tomorrow...got my fingers crossed for this one.

practice makes perfect....sometimes

2006-09-18T06:22:00.000-07:00

practice makes perfect...sometimes

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well, my older boys violin lessons started to day, i think im going to be learning violin myself because i have to practice with him.

he LOVED it. i realize its his first day, but he couldnt wait to come home and practice, and that he did, for 20 minutes...

he was pluking that violen like no ones business

thank god we have french doors on our dining room, because i was able to 'shut' the door, and watch him....

so we call our dining room the music room and we need to keep the doors closed so he disturb us, i mean, so he wont be disturbed...what was i thinking...

but so far so good, no frustration, was really enjoyin it and i also learned what an 'A' note is on violin.

one of these days, i will tell you when i was in 3rd grade i took violin lessons also......oh the horror!!!!!!!!!!

pinch me, am I dreaming?

2006-09-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

pinch me, am i dreaming?

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ok, my older son, who most of you know, came home on friday from school.

in his backpack, i read another perfect day (not surprised, since at home he feels 'safe' enough to let us know how he is really feeling... ..arent we lucky?.. )

but anyway, also in his backpack was 'student of the week' award, which is a huge deal!!!!!!!!

i remember last year when i went to pick up my younger son and over the loud speaker i heard "maryjane smith won student of the week this week"

and maryjane walked down to the office, got her award, and handshakes, and it was a huge thing.....

i remember sitting there feeling a little sad, thinking that my kids will never experience such a thing as that....

until...............

i am so stunned by this....im still in shock. he seems to make light of it, or forgot about it...but i keep telling everyone that i know that he won this....

im not sure if he wants me to, or if he even cares, but i can see a smile on his face when i tell someone.

i will never forget two years ago when i saw him get a little award in his class and i told him how proud i was of him and he asked me "what does proud mean?" because no one had ever said that to him before.

i think he gets it to a certain degree now, by the smile on his face.

he did tell me this morning though that the reason he 'tantrums' at home alot is because he doesnt like school...

however, he only tantrumed the first few days of the week at home after school...

I am trying to distract him the minute he gets in
the car.........

he also told me that the reason he hates his afterschool is because he misses us all day...

very sweet, but im not sure im buying into that yet....lol.
he can go so far until i start to get my guard my up..

oh, heres a biggy...

he wants to take violin lessons...

so we rented a violin for him and he already is practicing...

i just hope he doesnt get too frustrated and decide to smash it....those little things cost alot of money....

he promised me he wouldnt...

but if this music thing takes.....i would be so happy...he has his first lesson tomorrow...got my fingers crossed for this one.

for a friend

2006-09-12T06:19:00.000-07:00

for a friend

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hi all,
im posting this for a friend of mine with the hope of some of you more knowledagable people can help.

im cutting and pasting. Here goes:

I need help with an FAS/IEP situation.

My youngest daughter, B, has fetal alcohol syndrome. She came here as a foster child 2 1/2 years ago when she was 3 years old (adoption final this past April). With her FAS she has some qualities of ADHA such as extreme hyperness, complete lack of focus, no impulse control. She also has some qualities of Autism such as self mutilation (i.e. pulling her lip till it bleeds, digging at her sides, pulling her own hair, ect), rocking motions when stressed, and repetitive movements. I also think, but am not sure, that her random babbling (talking non-stop but making no sense at all) falls under the Autism qualities.

She stayed home with me the rest of that first school year and all summer. In the fall we enrolled her in headstart. They did an IEP on her and she qualified for both speech and OT. While in headstart I was repeatedly called to come and pick her up because they couldn't control her behavior. She has no cause and effect and to say she's impulsive would be a great under-exaggeration. She literally does what she thinks. So, it was a rather dismal learning year for her as far as preschool went. At the end of the school year I requested that they do another (forgot to mention the first one I had done) evaluation to see if she qualified for our local special ed school. This time she qualified and she was put into a special ed preschool.

One thing I did discover over the summer before she started was that caffeine has a serious counter effect on her and it will calm her down. Not calm and focused like your typical student, but very calm and very focused for B who is never calm and can never focus. So, she started the SE preschool and things went very well. They have one teacher for ever two students and B thrived in that environment. The caffeine also really helped. She almost completely stopped hurting herself and she started to make sense much of the time when she talked. She still had no cause and effect, no impulse control, and she still rocked. She did calm down and was able to focus and follow directions. About 1/2 way through the year they took her off the caffeine and she maintained her behavior. At the end of the school year they informed me she had done so well that she no longer qualified for SE preschool and would be starting regular kindergarten in the fall and still get speech and OT services at the regular school.

So, kindergarten started six days ago and today I had my first parent teacher conference about her behavior and abilities. She's lost, well beyond what is normal for a new kindergartner. She can't stand in line, she won't come in from recess, she can't figure out how to get through the lunch line unless someone walks her through it, ect ect ect. I had sent a vault pop on the first day, but the teacher hasn't used it yet. She's also started doing some serious rocking on the way home from school. What the teacher would like to do is put B down to young five's. Hubby and I think this is just sticking a band aid over a serious gash and all it's going to do is postpone the problem for one year.

So, here's some of the things we are thinking and/or the school is thinking.

1) Have the teacher start using the vault pop at school and see if it makes much of a difference. If not, have her doctor look into putting her on ADHD med's (her bio brother - FAE instead of FAS - takes them and it's been a miracle worker for him - but again, his symptoms aren't 1/2 as bad) and see if they can get her calm and focused.

2) This is the school. Put her back down to a young five's program or a before K program. Possibly send her back to headstart which will take her at her age. See if in a year she's better equipped to handle kindergarten.

3) And I'm hoping Lucy can help with me this! See if she qualifies for services under the Americans with disabilties act to see if we can get her her own aid for the classroom. She CAN focus and she CAN learn if she has no more than one adult per two children. She proved that in the SE preschool.

I would like to know what you guys think, would like any and all input, and would like any and all suggestions. They are setting up this meeting and I would love to be able to walk in there confident on what I want done. Otherwise, I fear B will just get pushed off to the side. I'm really worried for this little girl. She's going to fall through the cracks in the system and I really don't want to see that. She can't keep up with a regular classroom and she doesn't qualify for a special ed classroom. I can just see her getting further and further behind while her self esteem crashes to rock bottom. We already have to worry about sex and drugs as a teenager with her because she doesn't understand cause and effect, she's gullible beyond belief, and she has no impulse control. Add absolutely no self esteem to that, and I'm just scared for her. Please help!
__________________

this cant be happening

2006-09-08T06:24:00.000-07:00

this cant be happening!!!!!!!!!!!!

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well, im starting to freak a little,

i picked up my older son from after school, and he had a big smile on his face and he said he had a good time. (he didnt have that anxiety face that i remember he usually had when i picked him up)

and i thought 'tthank god' first day of after school, and he is smiling

well, the minute he got in the car...blow out...

then it was time for homework....he asked for me to help, and so i said 'sure,' and sat down...

when i picked up the paper he started yelling at me and calling me...well, you know, those choice words.

i know he wasnt frustrated over the homework, because he didnt even look at it before going into a meltdown.

i told him "well, when you calm down, or when you say you are ready, i would be more then happy to start this over"

of course he yelled "he was ready" but he was far from ready.

not sure how to handle these blowouts, im ****ed if i do and ****ed if i dont (wonder if that wil be bleeped out... )

he did end up doing it after work with no problems. He did admit to me that he doest know whats going on in his class, which i believe. I wrote a note to his teacher telling her that it is a concern for him.

he usually has no problems with the homework, because he is petrified if he didnt do it, he would get in trouble.

so when i refused to help him, well, lets just say it didnt go over well.

any ideas....

oh, in case who dont know history...heres a little

this is my older sons first year after being in a RTC for 2 yrs, in a 'regular school' but he is in the 'special class'

he started last week and has gotten tons of praise from the teacher, not problems at all.

he started his after school yestereday for tthe first time, though he does like it, not sure if the day is too long....
__________________

what a morning.

2006-09-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

what a morning!

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well, my older son was in full rage this morning, to the point where he ended up hyperventiling.

I must admit, that this morning i ran out of patience and i raised my voice to him....but My god, he just wouldnt stop.

he couldnt find his sneakers and thats what started it, he ran around the house yelling at everyone that they stole them and they we were all being mean...

he started to rant and rave and told me to help him find them, and i said when you can ask me nicely....

well, that just started the ball rolling of how horrible i am, the slamming of the walls, you know the drill...

this kept up...then my younger son says "daddy, you need to help him, he is getting real angry..."

which i saw that fear in my little ones face, which kills every time....

then he said "ill help you...." he was just trying to get my son to calm down.

then i thought, 'gee, i have this little kid trying to calm him down, and daddy just want to get away from him'

well, finally, i said 'did you leave them in my car"

and he said yes and he put them on.

here is where i mess up...he had wet his pants the last two days (something very new for him, but i blammed on him being anxious at school)

i said to him...you have to take a shower this morning..and he said, "no, im riding my bike"

well, he was NOT riding his bike, he was taking a shower.

so in his room he goes, and he is slamming the walls, the whole nine yards again.....

he kept saying he cant wait to move out of here, he wants to go back to the RTC, doesnt want to live iwth us...

then finally my younger sons bus pulled up, and well, guess who missed the bus because i couldnt leave my older son.....

so then i was fuming, i coiuld feel it in me...

and he yelled, "you dont love me!!!!! i want to go back to RTC"

and then i yelled back.."fine, ill help you pack!!"

he then started stickin the middle finger up at me, yelling obsentities, how much he hatees me...the whole nine yards..

he finally started to hyperventilat...i calmed him down, then in the shower he went....still not happy...

he finally calmed down....but he remembers all this crap...

i blew this morning....

i made brownies last night, his favoirte, so on my way to work i stopped at school, and dropped off a brownie for him at the office so he has it for lunch...

but, im not a morning person...

here is my question though........because this happens alot.

when he loses something (which is most of the time) he gets so frustrated, by the time he asks for help, he has already blammed me or someone else for stealing it....

and his asking for help is more out of frustration and it sounds like this...."you need to help me find it?" in an angry tone....

what do i do? the "when you can ask me nice, id be more then happy to help you?" doesnt seem to work. just makes him more angry.

do i just keep doing it and stick to my guns and keep repeating it?....

do i just say "say please" then when he does, help him.

i have no idea, im at a lost....if the goal for him is to not reach that boiling point, i would help him, but it doesnt feel comfortable for me to help me.

any thoughts out there....

any love and logic ideas?....i need some guidance

I'm your worst nightmare

2006-09-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

i'm your worst nightmare.

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ok, took the family to the drivin theatre for the first time last night.

both boys have come home with excellent reports from school, and i told them if they did go, we would go.

i forget to mention in home too....so i was out of luck...that wasnt in the deal....lol..

so off we go....blankets, pillows, stuffed animals that they had to bring..

well, it was fine except...

my kids, well, they were excited and had trouble sitting, so they kept going from outside on the lawn chairs to inside of the car and back again.

however, everytime they opened the door...the alarm would go off as would the lights start flashing.

needless to say, we didnt make to many friends at the drive in....

so if you went to the drivin last night, and there was this car who's alarm kept going off, whose lights kept going on and off...

well, it was us and im sorry, but my kids were just darn excited....

but we will go back, because it was fun..except i think we will have to park in the last row...

not sure what we were thinking.....but you live, you learn...

tonight we have our respite worker coming, and were going to go see kathy griffith the comedian. shes a hoot...

and its a break for us..........
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school issue

2006-03-12T06:26:00.000-08:00

school issue

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hi all,

ok, here is an issue that i have.

my older son, who is doing just great, continues to go to the 'special' school that goes with the RTC that he was in.

there are only about 7 kids in his class with two aids.

anyway, he is having a hard time in school, with running out of the class, and yellling and screamng.

at home, we have none of that...well, most of the time..

i was wondering if it would be appropriate for me to go to school with him and sit with him and see what the problem is.

i know my son gets reall frustrated with things, so im thinking that maybe i can help him

the other day i gave him a book, and he was so proud to read me it....no prompts from me.(but i knew he could read it because it a very easy book to read.)

anyway,, has anyone ever done that, or would the teacher be offended if i did that.

i dont want to make any waves.

then the other part of me is saying, well, at least its not home he is doing this, so maybe i just be quiet...

whos a proud daddy?

2006-02-08T06:29:00.000-08:00

whos a proud daddy?

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hi all,

just a quick update.....i went to see my younger son in the school sing a long.

I was just so proud of him being on stage.....i love that crap...

then, when it was all over, i ran up to hiim and he loved to see me there, but when i went to give him a hug he pushed me away......

i know i know.... but i cant still be sad..

but i was just so proud of him....

as for my health....had my MRI on monday....talk about freeaking out....have you ever had one of those.....

i had to tell the guy halfway through to take me out because i had a scratch....UGGGHHHH!!!!!!

hope i never have to do that again ....im way to 'hyper' for something like that. I had to be in there for 40 min.

regressing, it cant be....

2006-01-09T07:02:00.000-08:00

HI all,

well, i havnt really been on all that much, things were going so well for a while, and then....boom,,

my older guy who is still in a RTC, has become very demanding lately. Yes, he is better then before he went into the RTC, but it seems the meds arent working like they use to.

This morning was real tough, he wanted to go to the RTC NOW so he can play with his gameboy.

I told him that will be fine but i have to take a shower, and then he started yelling that he wants to go now before school starts.

I told him that he could play with his gameboy here and he got mad and said he wants to play with it there.

Like usual, i started to reason with him.... ...like that was going to work (high hopes i guess)

now my younger son, since friday night, has been off his rocker....he spent alot of time out this weekend over stupid things. Just real attention seeking stuff....so i tried spending more time with him, but that didnt seem to work..

when i picked him up from school on friday, he said that his friend had parents that looked cool, and we dont, and he liikes his friends parents.

ok, his friends parents are kinda young, and well, they dress like, well, how should i put this....hmmmm...clothes that some woman should not wear..(think spandex in the cookie alley in the supermarket) and a grown man who wears his baseball cap on backwards.....(im sure you can vision this, or least now what i am talking about)

well, i blew it because i was getting angry in the car and i said to him "would you rather live with them?"

of course he got mad and said he doesnt want to talk about it, i told him i am sorry..but since then, he has just been off his rocker. I dont think it was what i said, because he was a little odd when i picked him up and then became a little odd when he was talking about his friends parents.

anyway, here is my question....with my older son, during his meltdown about wanting to play his gameboy at the RTC, i asked him if he rather give up some sleepovers on school nights so he can wake up in the RTC so he can play his gameboy....

he said "Yes"

so im wondering if i should let him keep to his word, (he did say it when he was in his 'weird place'...but i got to tell you, his disrespect and demands are really starting to get to me...maybe we just need a break for a week and not do our sleepover on wednesday.

or maybe we should let himlearn that when he makes demands like that and starts yelling there is consequnences and that he wont be able to come home.

I dont know.....the problem is, by wednesday, he will totally forget that this ever happened and he just wont understand why he is not coming home.

running away

2005-12-06T07:04:00.000-08:00

running away

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my older son, when frustrated, runs away...well, not really.

this is a typical scenario:

"N you need to calm down"

N smashes a few doors then says

"im running away" and out the door he goes.

In the past, i use to follow him, this would take hours, because everytime he would see me he would keep running (we were trying to do some attachement work when he first came to us, and we felt that if he saw us running after him, he would think we cared.....we thought he was testing ....but now i dont go...)

so he goes about two houses down, on the sidewalk, and keeps looking back to see if im watching. i just watch from the window, then he slowly comes back...lol

so, since he started this behavior again, i sat him down and told him

"what a great strategy that was, talking a walk outside when your upset to calm down"

he said
"yea, its my new strategy"

here is my dilemma....he does say 'running away' and my fear is, that when he is in 'his dark place', he really has limited control so thats why he runs. however, he is a scared scared child, but i think that when he gerts older he will have more nerve and start to go further if i dont nip this in the butt.

last week i sat him down and said
"hey buddy, you know when you run away, i think its fine if you need to go outside, but i want you to run away in the backyard so i can keep you safe"

he agreed......(but im no fool)

my son cannot process too much, especially when he is in his dark place and he just reacts....

any ideas on what i posted....i can really use some advice....im trying to take the power out of 'unning away' but im nervous that at the same time, he is going to get older and get more risker in his 'running away' because i dont make a big deal about it...

school issues

2005-09-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

school issue

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ok guys,

here is a run down...my younger son is in the first grade.

last year, im sure some of you might remember, he was kicked out of kindergartin due to his behaviors.

they switched his schools, midway, and put him in a classroom with 4 other kids (all boys)

at the end of the year, the teacher said that she expected alot of behaviors, but he really didnt have any...she said that he did really well, with the reward system and stuff.

she recommended him to stay in the small classroom next year, not so much around behaviors but he is so far behind on his education stuff....(we never pushed any of this, due to he was in kindergartin...)

ok, up to date...

my son is now in the first grade, in the small classroom....he had about 1 1/2 weeks of great behavior, but now things appear to be going downhill.

everyday, he comes home with a report on his behaviors, (its part of the reward system and a way to communicate)

we have not got any phone calls or any special message, just the report.

he has been having problems with hitting and kicking his brother (either play or fight) and we dont tolerate it, so he is in time out immediatly.

on his 'report', the little stuff we just kinda ignore because he does get a consequence in school...

but the last few days, he has been coming home with reports stating 'hit a kid'..'pushed a kid'

he does lose privaliges at school, and he doesnt get a star for the school day...(he is on a 'star chart' at home)...

so what do you think?....

oh..here is some other stuff going on...

my older son will be doing more sleep overs now for the transition to come home...he seems excited by this, but i wonder if it is also causing him some anxiety.

also, my son was on clonidine, 1/2 tab at night for sleep..thats it.

he stopped taking it about 3 days ago....the doctor told us that since he was on such a low dose, that it wouldnt be carried out during the day, so thats not it......but im beginning to wonder...

here is what im thinking:

put him back on the meds at night and see if theres a change.

no outdoor play when he comes home if he hits someone at school.

or just keep doing what we are doing, letting the school handle what happens at school, and we handle what happens at home.....

any thoughts.....

do i worry to much?

2005-08-31T07:05:00.000-07:00

do i worry too much?

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ok, here goes.....i do believe my younger boy is very attached.

however....sometimes i get concerned.

today, i meet him at school...(first day and all, wanted to make sure he was ok when he got off the bus)

i know i know...anyway....

so there he is with all these other kids....

there were alot of kids just looking around to see where they were suppose to go.

my son and i were just hanging there, and he said "i cant find my teacher"

i met her the day before when i brought my son to see the new class and meet his new teacher, even though he did that last year...i know i know....

anyway...lol.....then his teacher appeared.

i said good morning to her...and while i was doing this, my arm was around my sons shoulder, then he brushed me away with a sigh...

so off he went....

he is 7...is this a attachment thing?...or is just a 7 yr old boy thing, and doesnt want anyone to see daddy being affectionate with him....(he does this ony in public, with my wife too)

no problems at home, very affectionate, just in public......

it could be he is just not into public affection...

so, 'do i worry to much?'

now what?

2005-08-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

now what?

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hi guys,
im actually posting this for the aparents of my childrens birth brother.

birthmom has been bringing them into court due to now fullfilling the open agreement.

history, amom and bmom had an open adoption agreement, but bmom took off to another state to have another baby.

bmom did send her 3 yr old bson a picture of her and bdad making out in one of the coin photo booths.....and amom admitted that she did not show 3 yr old son the picture because she found it inappropriate.

i saw the picture, amom is correct on that.

well, they have been in and out of court...

amom feels that judge just doesnt like her. she calls birthmom and birthdad the boys parents.

and she calls the son, by his birth last name, which is not his legal name anymore.

the judge admits that she takes this case personal, she has been the same judge with all of birthmoms children.

anyway, the judge decided that the open adoption contract needs to be modified and has decicided that the birthmom and birth dad can have more visits then what the original contract has said...

the first one will be in october,and the amom is being asked to give her child to a stranger (a mediator), but stranger to the child, and the stranger then brings the child to his birthparents, who he doesnt know.

is this fair? does she have any legal standing because she is now the legal parent of her child?

she is clearly very upset and really feels the judge just doesnt like her.

the birth mom has lied on the stand to say that amom is constantly giving her a hard time....

the fact is, the amom has no contact with bmom since bmom disappeared...the only thing amom did wrong, supposedly, was refuse to show her son the picture.....

the picture is of bmom, who is goth now, wearing all dark makeup and black clothes, toungue kissing birthdad, clearlly the picture wasnt taken for a 3 yr old boy, it looks like they were at some fair on a date and decided to get photos of themselves.

i guess the question is, is there anything she can do?

the judge changing the original agreement, is that ethical?

legally does she have to turn her child over to a stranger?

is it common in a court room, that the birthparents are called the childs parents and using the birthname in place of the childs legal name now? or does that sound like the judge is in favor of the birthparents no matter what?.

clearly this has thrown her for a loop and she doesnt know what to do.

my son is coming home

2005-08-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

my son is coming home

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hi all,

i just thought id give a quick update and tell you what is going on.

we had our meeting at the RTC around discharge plans and stuff.

there were a few things we asked for and they are all in agreement on trying to get the services we asked for.

we asked for respite in the home once a month...(you guys know how i feel having them leave us for respite..lol) they not only agreed, but said that we should make it every other week...and in time if we dont need it, then we can do it once a month

we asked for therapy in the home (the appts for these two boys, are overwhelming) and they agreed, they feel that seeing the boys together in the home, would actually prove to be more beneficial.

quick history, over the last few months we have the RTC staff come into our home and observe what we might need, they come for 3 hours and watch us parent and see where we might need some support, not only with the kids, but with our parenting style. (as you know, parenting these kids, is very different then 'normal' kids)

ok, now im going to brag....

i also asked about AT, that maybe we need it and they actually laughed at me..they said that our boys have attached to us, they took the RAD dx on our boys, off their DX papers.

the report said that we were doing AT work with them, and its clear that our hard work had paid off. both boys are attached to us

bragging again....

they also said that our family has been one of the best families they worked with due to our communication with each other and how we communicate with our kids, and all the patience that we have around their issues.

(tooting my own horn here)...

they said they were amazed on how consitant that we have been when choosing battles. they have said that they rarely see this.

the only thing they said we needed to work on was some behavior modification stuff (reward charts and such)..i do have to agree...i really have a hard time with handing out their stars.

anyway, though it seems that im tooting my own horn (which i am) it was really nice to hear...so im giving myself a pat on the back.

only because sometimes i think we have no idea on what we are doing....

my son will be transitioning home very slowly, we will alos be getting a bigger subsidy for my boys, so we can afford a more professional 'babysitter'...(they gave us some numbers on the staff at the RTC that worked great with my son) who are interested in making some extra money.

there are also looking to make sure the camp is part of the package in the summer so its all set up and paid for, so its not such a burden trying to find a camp that can handle our kids issues.

my younger son, who is doing ok, still goes into 'contol' mode when my older son comes for his sleepovers. Im hoping that this behavior will get better with time.

my youngers sons camp was successful, i didnt hear anything at all from them, and i am under the belief...no news is good news..........

so on the last day of his camp, i went to check on him, and he was in the barn playing bingo...so when i went in, he was in time out...

i spoke to the teacher outside and asked what happened, she said that all the kids are acting out a little since its the last day of camp.

she then said my younger son had no problems at all, and his behavior was one of the best...

she said, he like his outdoor sports and doesnt do well with bingo anyway (hes not bingo kid...lol)

anyway, i guess i just want to report on some good things for a change, and i want to thank each and every single one of you..even the ones that i had argued with, because i had some heck of an education being on these forums.

You guys really taught me how to parent these boys which i will always be grateful for and thats why i keep coming back, because im always learning,

and even though our dream of what our family what we thought was suppose to look like has died, you guys gave me the support and hope on what our family can be.

so i just want to thank you...i know we have a long road ahead of us...the RTC is convinced that my older son will be back, not due to us, but due to his issues.

but we are moving forward with this, and enjoying the time that we have together as a family until the day comes when he starts moving backwards, at least we know we have the supports in place.

so thanks guys, we couldnt of done this without you...i mean that.
__________________

refrigerator guidelines

2005-08-09T08:02:00.000-07:00

refrigerator guidelines

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first id like to say sorry, i mentioned i would post this, and i forgot all about it...anyway, here it is. Not sure how many had seen this, but it is helpful when in crisis to go by some of these guidlines.

1. stay calm. keep things cool. use positive language. you can disagree and set limits without raising your voice.

2. go slow. progress is slow and painful in these children. be careful not to say "you can do it!" Progress can bring fear of abandoment. If the child becomes more capable and indepent, he fears adults will expect more of him and be less attentive.

3. Lower your expectations. set realistic goals for everyone. INvolve the child in setting goals. focus on smaller problems and break them down into steps. focusing on big problems can lead everyone to experience discouragement and failure.

4. maintain family routines. keep your connections. life goes on so have some fun.

5. find some time for nuturing movements (talking, games, giving compliments) and be spontaneous ("Give me five!")

6. help the child through ego-building experiences, things that make them feel good or that involve tackling a challenge such as chores, sports, music, crafts.

7. set limits. everyone needs to kow what the rules are. then stick by the limits.

8. all caregiveers have to be on the same page so develp strategies that work for everyone and be consitent.

9. do not tolerate abusive treatment. walk away of fall silent if necessary. talk again when child is calm.

10. dont try to reason with a child who is having an outburst. dont get defensive. talk little. simple set the limit, provide a soothing approach .

11. maintain safety. hold the child or call for help. have crisis plan ready.

12. be a good listener. do not discount what the child is saying. really try to hear the childs view of the world and understand that his thinking makes sence given his experiences and level of development. when you show respect and understanding for the child's viewpoint, he feels freer to tell you what hes thinking.

13. always remember that whenever you take care of a child, understand him, provide safety, soothing and unconditional love, that you are doing great good. these children can push your buttons and make slow progress, but never doubt that your love is immensely valuable to them.

thats it!...these are just the basics for the guidelines and with each one, they have reasons on why these guidlines help.

but the list was just kinda like a check list...who wants to go pick out the book on the shelf and turn to page...oh what was that page?...and look for the highlighted part that you thought would come in handy at times like these...

anyway, i hope this helps...sorry so late...

tooth fairy finally comes

2005-07-20T07:58:00.000-07:00

the tooth fairy finally comes

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well, my 7 yr old son, finally had his tooth come out....its his first tooth....

so of course he is happy and the tooth fairy is coming.

so i took his tooth and put it in a safe place.

I got two silver dollars that the tooth fairly will leave......but... my son fell asleep before the ritual of actually putting the tooth under his pillow.

so we were left with a decision to make...

1. do i just put the money under the pillow (sorry for that, for those who still believe in the tooth fairy)

or

2. just wait till tomorrows so he can enjoy the ritual and the excitment of putting the tooth under his pillow...

my wife and i had a different opinion...but like usual, she won...and we would wait till the next day so he can do the ritual.

so i put his tooth in a plastic bag and left it on our dresser so we wouldnt lose it.

it just so happens, that the next day, we were having a visit from the RTC to evaluate our home and put supports in place when my other son comes home from the RTC, we are just at the beginning stages.

as most know, i am a clean nut, so i was cleaning up the house before they came...

when the night finally rolled around and we were ready to do our ritual, my son was excited and guess what...the tooth was gone....

it was horrible...my little one was searching everywhere for the tooth...the clock was ticking and it was starting to get late...my older son was getting annoyed because he was getting tired..but there we all were....looking for the tooth.

we thought of writing a note...but instead i told him that i will not go to bed until i find the tooth and the tooth fairy will come....

i lied!!!!!!!! or fibed!!!!!!!!!! or just helped him with the fantasy...i guess it depends on how you look at it....

so he finally went to bed.....

and the tooth fairy did come...and he was so excited.......he ran in our room and woke us up and told us about the silver coins that she left....

he never even thanked me for staying up late and looking for his tooth...

so, thats my story......and thats my sons first tooth story....it will have to go in my memory book for him, once i get the picture developed of his missing tooth..... probably by christmas...i hope...

just thought id share my little guys first tooth experience....can you tell im bored, i have nothing to say....lol
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kinda sad

2005-05-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

kinda sad

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hi guys,

well tomorrow is our big day. we are legalizing our younger son. Rain and wind is in the forcast, and today is kinda gloomy outside.

I took the little guy shopping last week to buy his suit and new shoes. He looks great. He is so handsome if i do say so myself.

his book that i made is ready and though i had trouble finding something to buy him like a watch or something (he will lose it within a day) i decided that we will buy him a tree and watch it grow.

so everything is all set. what a happy time...right?...not really.

we were suppose to be adopting the two boys together. It just doesnt seem like I should be feeling this way.

my younger son was acting crazy this weekend, my older son stated he really wanted to come back and live with us....we had a up and down weekend.

anyway, just venting.....im having a real hard time writing a letter to my son around how wonderful I feel about legalizing tomorrow.

maybe ill just write the truth about how this day is making me feel. I dont know.

but im really having a hard time writing this for him.

anyway, thats where im at today....kinda sad.

my two boys

2005-03-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

my two boys..

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hi guys,

well, i have some good and bad news to report. first the good news.

my younger son, over the last couple of weeks, has changed...it seems like a light switch went on.

he has become so compliant, funny, and just a joy to be around...

i have no idea what happened....

he just loves to be around us, and wants us to be with him all the time. his lying has stopped, he has been doing his chores with no struggle at all, no battle, no nothing...has been doing them with a smile.

he still hates his new school, but that will hopefully change in time.

this is so bizare...i have no problem bringing him out in public, he is listening....what the heck happened..

also, he has been having a lot of fears. (this is new...he was never scared of anything before, or would admit to it...) now he comes to me and asks me to watch tv with him because he is scared to be alone, he wants me near him alot because he is get scared sometimes.

i know people might think that being scared is a 'bad' thing..but for my son, who wouldnt admit to being hurt or being scared of anything, i think its healthy that he is verbalizing this stuff

i cant even tell you what changed...its like a light switch just went on....im hoping it will last.

my older son, is still the same, he is still doing good on the meds...

tonight i got a call that he broke his ankle at school and he just got back from the hospital.

they said he handled it very well but now is getting a little frustrated because he cant walk around so easy....

i did get permission to see him tomorrow morning before work..so ill check on him.

anyway, thats the update...

oh, i just put my younger son on an allowance. he gets $2 a week...is that too little for a 'just turned' 7 yr old?...

also, my older son, on visits, have said in frustration, that he 'hates his brother'...he has always said this, just as the other guy says it.

i have always chalked it up as brothers..but lately ive been wondering more about it.

i called his therapist to see if she can explore it a little and find out if its just words, or does he really hate his brother.

you guys know my sons history, so you can see why i might think it might not be normal sibling stuff.....

anyway, any thoughts on that?...i probably shouldnt be concerned with it..but i rather be safe then sorry..
__________________

legal rights

2005-02-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

legal rights

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hi all,

i talked to my sons halfbrothers amom last night (following me?)

she informed me, that my sons birthmom ran from the shelter with her new husband (she was pregnant) and moved to another state.

she apparently wanted to run away from DSS. She had the baby, and its a boy.

I did call DSS in the new state, to give them a heads up. she is severly mentally ill.

she also told me that bmom has hired a lawyer and is now currently in the process of trying to gain custody of my boys. (the halfbrother has already been legally adopted).....my children have not

the courts found her to be 'unfit' due to severe neglect and abuse and all parental rights have been terminated over 2 years ago.

at this point, all we are doing, is waiting for a date to legalize..the papers have all been signed and were just waiting...its been a couple of months at this point.

so, all i really want to know...and only this....since we havnt formally legalized, does she have any legal standing?

now i have heard everything.

2005-02-07T07:52:00.000-08:00

ok, now i have heard everything

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my younger son, whos hair is getting real long...refusees to get his haircut...but he doesnt tell me why...(this is an odd issue, he usually likes to get his haircut...)

so i havnt pushed it, until the last couple of weeks....

finally, yesterday, i told him that i will be cutting it since he wont go to the barber, and im not that great at cutting hair and it might look funny....

then he said...

"but daddy, i need it to grow longer before i cut it, so i can give it to the kids who are sick who have no hair"....

now what do i do?...

am i totally crazy, or jusgt a little?

2005-01-20T07:52:00.000-08:00

am i totally crazy, or just a little?

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i talked to my older sons therapist today.

she said that he is doing real, the risperdol has helped him alot, and he has never needed to be restrained since he has been there.

they have not seen anything that what we reported, but they do believe us, because all the hospitals he has been also reported what we saw.

she talks about how in therapy that he feels real sad that he cant live with us and he really wants to.

he says that he gets angry that he gets angry and he knows thats why he cant live here.

he is worried that because of his anger that he will keep getting rejected.

then she discussed that everytime she talks to me, that i seem very ambivilant (sp?) about this disruption thing and why?

i explained to her that we really didnt want to disrupt but they were not willing to put him on the risperdol and we couldnt live the way we were living.

so the choice became 'disrupt with risperdol' or 'not disrupt, with no med changes'

so, we knew we couldnt do it, and DSS made the decision for us.

she said that DSS is willing to look at it again, and she talked to the workers over there.

she said that we are 'great' and she really wishes that he could come home, she understands the stress, because alot of her other kids have my sons outbursts......but with the risperdol, he doesnt seem to have these rages anymore

she said that they actually offer parenting classes on trauma kids that we can attend,

they said that we would definitly make sure he is stable before discharge,

they can offer respite there for either overnight or even just during the day, apparently they have two respite beds for past clients,

they also have a therapist that comes to the home for home therapy.

they also can supply as much help as needed.

they said we have staff here that are willing to do some extra work (wink wink, nodd nodd) 'babysit' because they know how to deal with these kids and their goal is to work with the family so they dont disrupt.

they realize that a regular 'babysitter' doesnt really stick around...(thats an understatment)

she has said on numerous occasions that she wishes our son came there first....and i do agree, they are working miracles with him and the place is very clean and have more professional staff

am i CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WANT HIM BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my wife wants him back to, but of course she is more level headed and said, we need to really discuss this and really look at our options.

he has been doing great on our visits. since the risperdol, he doesnt go into his 'loops' (as we call them), he has gotten angry...but no hitting or major meltdowns....

what do you guys think? ARE WE CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!

but he is my son...i cant see him any other way yet.

my younger son really wants him to come home, he threw a fit at our last visit, and after we dropped him off, on the way home he started kicking the seat and yelling "i want 'N' to come home...he is all better....i wANT HIM HOME....".....

ok, I know, im needy this week.

2005-01-08T07:50:00.000-08:00

ok..i know...im needy this week

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hi all,

want to ask anyone out there, if they are familiar with these new types of medications.

has anyone heard of a medication called amantadine....its given to parkinsons patience in their early stages of the disease.

they are finding that kids with 'explosive behaviors', that is calms them.

a woman i know who adopted a 6 yr old, who is now 16, this drug changed him.

he has had numerous hospitilazations and RTC until the last 6 months.....he loves the drug and reports that its the first time in his whole life he feels 'normal.'

has not had a meltdown since he has been on it....and has actually been calm when he didnt get what he watned....its doesnt sedate him or anything....

apparently it has to do with the dopamine in the brain....but im not to clear on it.

has anyone had any experience with this?

now my other question, this is more for my younger son....

has anyone used omega 3 fish oil...liquid....

a few other parents i have talked to (i talk to anyone who would listen...lol)....said that they put their child on this holistic fish oil and its the first time they see their child happy...but warned me if they gave her too much, then it wouldnt work.

apparently alot of doctors are trying this with kids with explosive behaviors also...again, im not really sure exactly what it does and what it is for.

another friend of mine told me that their whole family takes it....

has anyone heard of these new medications that they are trying?...

school issues

2005-01-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

school issues

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well, i just got off the phone with my younger sons school and they are scheduling his IEP meeting for next wednesday.

the counselor gave me a heads up, and they are looking at sending my son to a different school....

i am so freaking pist...........i have been trying so hard to get my kids in some normal routine, but one thing after the other, over the last couple of years just wont happen...

i am so upset..not because of the special school, well, part, because the school he is in now, is around the corner and this school is downtown....and ihate driving downtown due to the traffic (yes i am whinning)

the reason we moved here, so we could have a neighborhood and he can get to know kids from his school and things like that....

this will just isolate him even more...because we wont know the kids in the area...

so here we go, another transition...oh, my son is in kindergartin.

his self estemm is shot as it is...and now i have to tell him that he has to go to another school across town no less....(he likes his new friends that he made at this school)

this is just me venting..i feel like giving ujp sometimes on trying to have my kids have some normal life, when i l know deep down that they could...but the powers to be just keep fighting it...

anyway ...just venting, tomorrow is another day, and the sun will shine, and i will just start all over again on trying to deal with this information...

then soon i will be starting all over again around structure...

heres a question..how many transitions can a child take before they totally give up?
__________________

how would you feel?

2005-01-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

how would you feel?

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hi all,

here is a question for children that were placed for adoption due to neglect and abuse, but were young and didnt remember their birthparents.

while you were young, your aparents told you that your birth family couldnt take care of you because of problems they were having in their life. (true)

your aparents never went into detail, but just left it like that, due to you were so young any way.

as you got older, you learned the truth about your history of abuse and neglect and your aparents told you, but waited...

here are my questions:

would you be mad at you aparents waiting so long to tell you the truth?

at what age would you of liked the whole truth?

and if your aparents never told you the truth, because the truth was so awful, but you found out on your own, would you be mad at them?

and, would you really want to know that information anyway?

yea!!!!!!!!

2004-12-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

yea!!!!!

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hi all,

We had our meeting with our older sons group home and DSS, a service plan meeting.

Well, they all understand, they all agree with what we suggested,
and guess who is coming home on christmas?.....

we are so thrilled. even DSS (our enemy) agreed but wouuld like him to come for a visit first before the holiday and see if he regresses...which i understand and agree.

they will not increase our visits anymore...we get to see him once a week and our two phone calls a week....so ill live with that.

the group home really feels that his connection to us is really strong and that we will play an important part on his transition to a new family......

basically, like 'regular' kids, they learn to trust and feel safe by their parents to go out in the world which my son never experienced, so they are feeling like this could be an opportunity for him to feel safe with the transition to a new family

as for the new family...the group home was clear to DSS that he will need to have a family that could focus all their attention on him and that by placing him in a family that is 'clueless' will only set him up to fail again.

they all agree that he is not ready to be adopted at this point, and since we are all the family he has, we should remain and active in his case.

at the close of this meeting, the group home said "I wish he came to us the first time, he is such a great child and i think we could of helped him transition back to you...."

their goal is to try to get him off all his meds....not know, but soon.

the sad news is, they have been doing alot of tests with him and he was worse then we thought he was with the language processing issues.

they feel he doesnt understand much when he is spoken too. he just cant understand anything and he gets real frustrated...and tantrums out.

anyway, im feeling great....

he has not had to be restrained once...he has had mini tantrums, but not to the extent that we reported or the other grouphome or the hospital.....they feel the risperdol might be working

just wanted to let you know what was going on...i guess i didnt have to use my scare tactics (as i had rehearsed in my head over and over again of what i was going to say)

more issues

2004-12-03T07:44:00.000-08:00

more issues

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as most know, my older son is now in a group home, he is not ready to be put up for adoption due to his issues.

he does have attachment issues, but has attached to us.

since he has been in the group home, they had limited our visits due to confusion that he might have.

well, they finally admitted yesterday that maybe this was not the best idea they had.

he is starting to act out, starting to smear his feces all over the walls, starting to urinate in the cornor of his room. (all RAD behaviors if you ask me)

he has never done anything like that before.

they said to be honest, they never had a family still want to be involved in a childs life after a disruption due to the guilt they feel.

i feel guilty, but i still want to be in the childs life. this is the first time they came across this.

he told his therapist that the only place in his whole life that he felt safe was with us and he doesnt want a new family and doesnt feel safe at the group home and he just wants to come home. he says he misses us.

i am so pist....we had this all planned out in the hospital...he was assured that we will still be there for him and we werent going anywhere no matter what....

but this new social worker comes along from the new DSS office, and decides in two hours at a meeting, whats best for him

well....it back fired....and my son has now payed a huge price for this. all the work we did, has just been wasted. how can he ever trust or attach again to anyone. why should he? everyone leaves...

i said, i understand why they feel he might be confused, but he is confused now...he goes to group home and we disappear...thats confusing to him also...no explanation, no nothing, just, were here, were gone.

yes, i can see if he came home for 'visits' that might be confusing too. but isnt it a better confusing.....at least he knows that soemone else hasnt abandoned him.

i rather him be confused on something positive then something negative.

i am so sick of people who do not know my son decide what is best...i have psych, his old dss office, and other professionals that have written letters, but they wont budge.

they are damaging my child and his actions are proving it.

now wonder why these kids get so messed up, they keep yanking them away without any reasons and blame us for it.

in order for people to have healthy attachments, they have to be giving a chance to have a heatlhy attachment. this is not a diffulcult concept.....

my son did this with us, he let us in, he trusted us (as much as he could) and we did alot of attachement stuff with him.....

to be only erased in a two hour discussion by this social worker.

i am so angry!!!!!!

we have a meeting on 12/14 and if they dont play by my rules (since they admit they never done this before) then i will pull out the guns. im tired of playing nice nice with these people, i have been dong it for a while. and if they give me crap, i will get a lawyer, my son has a write to see his brother.

now they are saying they are not putting him up for adoption just yet do to his new issues....well how the heck did he get these new issues?......i wonder...

so here we have a child, that has no family, is not up for getting a new family, but he has people that truly love him and want to help him and be there for him, but arent allowed to see or talk too that often because this will hurt him.

i must be missing something.

im pist, can you tell.......and i will fight like crazy to get him to have a visit with us on christmas.

sorry for venting....but this is what ive been dealing with the last few days.

when do the people who know him the best have a right to say what they feel will be good for him.

im losing it

2004-11-24T07:43:00.000-08:00

im losing it

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hi all,

i think im losing it over here....i seem to be having a harder time with my disruption of my son.....i thought it was suppose to get easier?....

my younger son is now looking at his brother pictures and says he really misses him and he wants him to come home.....he never even mentioned that much, but lately it seems to be really bothering him

my older son, is now having a real diffulcult time with getting a new family, he is always sad and says that he just wants to come home.

we both are just getting more depressed....

i know the holidays are coming and this is probably not helping maters much....but were sinking fast here.

i want him to come home!!!!!!!!!!!!

my younger son said to me last night "since 'N' cant come home, can I get another brother"...

i said "where will we get another brother from?"

and he said

"from a family that doesnt want them anymore"

i nearly died....does he think that his birth family just didnt want him anymore?

i said "well your birth family wanted you, they just couldnt take care of you, and we love you so much and we were able to take care of you and thats why you are with us now."

i know he truly loves us, and thats not the problem, but my problem is that he thinks that his birth family just didnt want him.

plus his foster mom, gave her 10day notice when she had him, before we got him, because she couldnt take care of him anymore, (hes not an easy child) and as wonderful as she was, im sure her 'burnt out' issues had to show...and wonder what he thought about that?

i dont know...maybe im thinking too hard........

just seems to be harder to deal with this...

are you ready to adopt a special needs child?

2004-11-08T07:48:00.000-08:00

are you ready to adopt a special needs child?

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i wrote this for another thread, and i thought id give it special attention...more for the fun than anything else.

this is not to be taken too seriously, but not something to just ignore either.

we will call it 'questionaire for new parents looking into adopting special needs'

the reason for this thread, is that maybe we can all put down our own 'are you ready' questions.

weve all been there, and we have all ran into situations with our kids where we sat back and scratched our heads and said
"huh?"

it might be fun, we all have our own experience. It could be funny, or could be serious.....just those questions that you wish you might of been asked before your child came too you.

ok, my questionare are about serious issues, they are geared to children with RAD or ODD.....

we can keep it as lite and funny too (crick88, you better write something)

we all know birth and adoptive kids bring different things to the family...adoptive kids can bring some 'odd' things that we werent either prepared for, or understood, or even heard about.

so lets get those 'are you ready' questions out there....it could turn out to be real funny.

use your own real life situations...lets see what people come up

here we go:

questionaire for new parents interested in adopting special needs kids...

1. are you ready to be cursed out and or physically hit constantly by your child?

2. are you ready to clean up all the broken glass and then replacing all your windows with pexiglass, because your child loves the sound of broken glass?

3. are you ready to take anything that is important to you or valuable and seal them in a box and stick them in the attic till your child moves out, because they just wont be safe while your child is living there ?

4. are you ready to do away with the cozy warm feeling you get on christmas eve, when you look at your fire place...cant take the chance of having a fire in the house you know, oh, that goes for candles to?

5. are you ready to give up holidays with some family members because your child just cant handle the holidays plus you dont want to ruin your familys holiday, because you know already what your child can do with a nice piece of china?

6. are you ready to 'not bother going' on parent teacher conference meetings at school, because you already have been at the school three times that week, so whats the point in going?

7. are you ready to be assaulted and learn the proper way to restrain your child while they are kicking, biting and hitting you?

8. are you ready to get the phone calls daily to pick up your child from school due to behavior problems only to have to deal with them at home and this was suppose to be your time to just sit and breath, oh well, theres always tomorrow, how many times do you say that to yourself "always tomorrow", does tomorrow actually come?

9. are you ready to call an ambulance or police on your child because he/she needs to go to the hospital, yet again?

10. are you ready to not go on family vacations because your child isnt ready and may never be?

11. are you ready to be emabarressed everytime you bring your child out in public, because we all know our kids are masters of embarrising us?

12. are you ready to admit that you cant parent this child and you need professional help and find out that really no one knows how to treat your child?

13. are you ready to pay your childrens therapist losts of money, only to find out your educating them more on what your child needs?

14. are you ready to lose sleep, because you have to stay up everynight on the internet trying to figure out what medications do what and you cant do that while the child is awake because your either restraining them or waiting for them to explode, because after all, thats what they do?

15. are you ready to get to know the police on a first name basis?

16. are you ready to get the looks from others because they cant understand why your child acts that way, and it must be your fault?

17. are you ready for when your family pet gets killed and you find out your child has no remorse over it?

18. are you ready to put locks on all your doors, alarm system on your childs door so you know when she gets up at night so you can make sure she is safe and all those around her safe?

19. are you ready to drag her screaming to every possible test in the world that you can see that maybe the problem is organic, because there has to be another reason she acts this way?

20. are you ready to do all your housework at night when your child is asleep....laundry, dishes, etc but your so tired from the day, but it has to get done?

21. are you ready to watch your babysitter leave in tears, yet again, and say "oh well, we lost another one" and know it will take you months to find another one.

22. are you ready for your child to yell "I hate you" over and over again, but you know you didnt adopt this child so you can get love back, it was too help this child, because we all know, that they may never love you, but you knew that going into this, but sometimes the words hurt?

23. are you ready to give up alot of your friends, because they cant understand why this child takes so much of your time?

24. are you ready to sit with other parents and feel so isolated because this is not your life and you sometimes you wish it was?

25. are you ready to have your house turn into a war zone and you are detemined to win, even when you know you might not, but you wont give in, even if it takes many years?

and now the bonus question: this is the hardest part of all of this...hope you get it write.

26. are you ready to look in your childs eyes and say good bye to them, as you live them in a residential program because you know they needed more help then you could give them and then look at their empty room at night?

congratualaitons!!!!!!! if you answered yes to these questions , then you are ready to be a parent with special needs.....

photo!

2004-10-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

photo!!!!!

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it hit me like a ton of bricks. they wanted me to drop off my sons health ins card and an updated photo.

why the photo? i asked

they said, they are putting him up for adoption track as soon as he gets to his new program today (the one we wanted)

i mean, i want him to have a new family, get on with his life, but i guess the photo just hit me hard. like this is really happening, i dont want to see him on some computer photo listing.....i am having so many feelings around this

we were also not invited to his intake at the new place because the new place said we are not his 'parents'

i guess thats the first time i heard that. just stab me in my heart. Even though i know this, i just had a hard time hearing it....i said we are the closest thing to his parents that he knows, so until he says we are not his parents, then we are....(i was nice about it)

everything all at once.....his therapist at the hospital felt it was important for us go (i do too) because we are the only family he knows...but they were clear that he needs to settle in without us.

i said when i go through major changes, i like people i know around me too support me, why cant a 8 yr old have the same kind of support.

i told them, that i told him, that he will never have to do anything alone, that i will always be there for him....i guess i lied to him, yet again.......

they disagreed with me.....im hoping they will at least let me see him tonight.

i dont know....i knew this was happening, but i guess its REALLY happening....

just feeling sad today.

plus, my little guy doing this all by himself breaks my heart.....

im clueless

2004-10-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

im clueless

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hi all,

i need advice and i am truly at a stand still.

my younger son has been acting out alot at school...we have a meeting today to discuss his IEP and his acting out.

as most know, our older son, his bio sib has been disrupted due to behaviors but we are still in his life, in all accounts, still his family.

the whole family visits our older son each sunday for dinner.

heres what i am torn about...i realize that there is sibling regression after visits...

but could his acting out be because of these visits?...should i put the visits on hold for a little while? should i bring him maybe every other week vs every week?

when i tell him "today were going to visit 'N', he say she doesnt want to go, the drive is too long....

but im wondering if there is something else going on with him.

his therapist wants to wait a few more weeks and see how it goes, but i really dont think they are going to be many changes in his behavior.

i really am at a stand still...he knows his brother isnt coming back, but im not sure if these visits are confusing him. we have talked to him, but the regression, especially on mondays, after the sunday visit, are getting more and more diffulcult.

i had chalked it up as just being a monday, but now im wondering....

any ideas or suggestions...

hitting and kicking

2004-10-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

hitting and kicking

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hi all,

well, my 6 yr old child is having some problems at school. It has been reported that he has been hitting and kicking other kids for no apparent reason.

october is tough for him anyway, he was removed from birth mom on holloween and his birth mom tried to scare them with witches, owls, and the devil. So there are alot of those hanging up for holloween.

this is no excuse, but i have no idea on how to stop it. I understand that this time of year is hard for him, and i do have empathy.....but its still no excuse.

today he wouldnt go on the bus, he says he hates school but doesnt know why.

also, he gets mad at me when i pick him up early from school, because he says i pick him up to early and he wants to stay at school and have fun.

so i know he DOES like it, he just gets in the moods.

the principle wants a meeting on wednesday to discuss this and i have no idea what to do.

i talked to his pscyh and she said for us to give him the clonidine during the day as well as at night.

so i gave him the clonidine on saturday, 1/4 of it,(very small dose) and he was so zombied out that it was hard to watch. He wasnt talking, just going through the day.

yes, he is more calmer, but hes so lathargic that i dont want to put him on it so i didnt give it to him on sunday or today.

anyway, i threw alot out there.

how do prevent the hitting and kicking other kids? He is a little hyper and he doesnt think before he acts.

basically, if we get a report from school, then his bike goes in time out for the day....(he loves his bike).

but it doesnt seem to be working.

he doesnt do it everyday, maybe 2-3 times a week.

i know some out there had these issues before, how do you stop it.

yea!!!!!!

2004-10-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

yea!!!!

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well, good news and bad...they are seeing my sons issues, as most know...and they finally are getting a 'rogers' ready for court for him so he can go on a anti-psycotic.

they stated what we had been saying for 2 yrs now, that when he gets in that state, there is nothing that can be done about it...

they are lookng into scizophrenia also, becuase he says he does hear things and sees things....we knew this, but everyone said that its due to truama....

they said clearly he has PTSD and a language processing issues, but they are looking into other things due to how responds to certain things.

they called it 'psychotic states'....they feel that he goes into these psychotic states but they are not clear on what causes it due to his age.

the doctor did give him zyprexia once due to they just couldnt control him....and it seemed to calm him down, but they are not saying it was the zyprexia, but they are not discounting it either.

anyway, im glad they are finally listening to us, and understanding that his behaviors are just not normal...

the fact that he is only 8, leaves them unable to dx, but they are now willing to try things.

its been a long hard road for this child...im hoping they can help him so he can have some sort of peace from the demons in his head...

now my new fight....they may place my son in the group home that he was in when he was with us...i promised him that he wouldnt have to go to that place again....thats when he was living with us...

it all falls on DSS now....its an awful place...even santa didnt come at the christmas party.....he was suppose too...but didnt make it....too bad kiddies...maybe next year...

dont get me started on that....

and how many times does the staff yell at these kids...every time ive been there...i cant imagine whats it like if a parent isnt there......

they found a good place for him, which is closer to our house...but the list is long...so they will have to see...they feel that his old group home knows him and that will be good....

which i know it wont be good...

after my son had breakdowns...or should i say 'psycotic states'...he begged me not to bring him too that group home

im going to call his GAL and see if she/he will listen to us.......he just cant go back there!!!!!! it will be the worst thing for him.

anyway...theres the good and the bad.....the struggles continues...

is it me?

2004-10-01T07:38:00.000-07:00

is it me?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok...im pissed again......my son had his class pictures yesterday.....you know the ones im talking about.

well, we put his check in the little envelope, they need it on the day of pictures, and when he came home, the check was still in the back pack.

i went to parent-teacher conference last night and asked why my son had come home with the check...i thought they needed it for the day of pictures.

she said "they do, i checked all the kids backpacks but couldnt find my sons"

she said "i will call and see if there is anything we can do"

at first i wanted to yell.....because not only was the check in his backpack...i had a big thick envelope addressed to the nurse with his medical stuff in it...there is no way she could of missed that envelope....that was still in his backpack too when he got home.

i think she just forgot to look in my sons backpack.

so, hopefully they can do something......i dont want to see his face on the day all the kids get their pictures and my son is sitting there not getting his......

could we just getta a break here....

maybe its me...maybe im expecting too much....do others have these constant 'mistakes'.......and im just over sensitive....or are these things just happening to us and my kids....

i need a break...

lawyers

2004-09-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

lawyers

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hi all,

ill try to make this quick....as most of you know, we are preadoptive parents of two boys.

they have been with us for over 2 yrs....we decided due to our older sons issues, that we werent going to legalize like most within the six month trial period.

we wanted to make sure he was getting all the services that he needed.

they have been pushing (not to hard) for us to legalize our younger son but we wanted to hold off on him too because i cant imagine how our older son would of reacted had we only adopted his brother and not him...

well, as you know, due to our older sons issues, we had too disrupt the adoption and we are full swing ahead on legalizing our younger one now.

i got a call from our childrens social worker who said that she went to court and talked to our kids lawyer.

he stated that he wants to meet the kids and see what we are like....she told me that she has no idea why he wants to do this and she is just giving us a heads up that he might be calling.

do i need to be concerned with this? has this ever happened to anyone?

i know he will see a loving family so im not concerned with that....i think...but she doesnt know and of course we dont know, why he wants to see us.

has this ever happened to anyone? just freaking out over here.

birth mother

2004-09-20T07:40:00.000-07:00

birth mom

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hi all,

i am acutally wondering what to do....

I just found out where my childrens birth mom lives...we have never met her, i do have an old picture of her, but thats it.

she lives about 1 1/2 hours away.......

well, i guess you figured out where my mind is going.

i want to drive down to see what she looks like in person...not to talk, or even be noticed...just kinda get a glimpse then be on my way.

basically i want to see what my childrens birth mom looks like....

i even printed out the directions on map quest....

i feel like a stalker, but i just want a glimps, she is my kids birthmom....

do i sound like a whaco?......what would other do?....

ive always been curious but never had an address and never tried to track her down or anything...but now i have an address and my curiosity is getting worse.

has anyone felt like this?....has anyone did this?....after seeing it written down, it sounds like im deranged....but i just want a glimpse.

todays the day

2004-09-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

todays the day

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i just got a message last night to tell me that they are telling my son that he wont be returning home.

i just want to hold him when they give him the news, but i cant.

its killing me.....didnt sleep at all last night thinking about it...i hope they know what they are doing....I just felt like calling them and saying...."please..your making a terrible mistake, put him on the risperdol and let him come home in case it works...." but they wont..they made up their minds...this stinks!!!!!

yesterday i brought my younger son to his orientation of kindgerten...he was so nervous....

of course when we got there...all the chairs and tables were taking where the kids are making a drawing....so we had to go to the back of the room, where a table was without the crayons and paper and sit and wait......i felt like such an outsider.

the teacher was going around taking pictures of the kids, individual to put up on the board...but my son didnt want his picture taken....he had his shy face on...

then as the time went on...i got him coloring and trying to get him involved....we stayed while other parents and their kids left....i just wanted him to feel comfortable..and i thought that with less people in the room, he could take it all in...

then, he finally agreed to get his picture taken..so we went up to the teacher and I said that he is ready to take his picture now...

I wasnt pushing the picture on him, i just didnt want him left out...(my issue probably.)

when she took the picture....she said "oppppssss,,,out of film..sorry...can you bring in a picture of him tomorrow...."

i was so angry...how can you run out of film...so today...guess what?...my son stands out again...all the kids have a picture of themselves from an automatic camera on their first day of school and my son has a regular picture of him, surronded by pumpkins in a pumpkin patch from last october......

i feel my kids just cant get a break....i know it seems like a little thing, as im sure his teacher thought it was no big deal...im sure my son didnt even give it a second thought.....

why do i feel so lousey inside when it comes to my kids...why cant we just have a day like every other family?

why cant my kids just get a break...

im obviously a little sensitive today....

anyway, just thought id vent...

how do you deal

2004-08-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

how do you deal?

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how does anyone deal with the loss of a child that you loved and cared for and did everything possible to have a childhood that he missed out on and then come to realize that he might never have one?

how do you deal with every morning going in his room and feeding his little goldfish...the fish that he loved so much?

HOw do you deal with looking at his art work that says 'to daddy, i love you'

how do you deal with looking at all the broken toys in his rooms and wonder which ones should you pack for him?

how do you deal with looking at all the pictures of the two kids together around your house?

how do you deal with looking at his spiderman collection because he loved to dress up as spideman and jump and run all around the house..which at times you hated that costum but now you realized how wonderful it was to see him run and jump like every other kid?

HOw do you deal with looking at his bicylcle outside and he is not riding it?

HOw do you deal with looking at his empty bed?

HOw do you deal with the phone calls and he says "i love you daddy...when am i coming home?"

how do you deal with the 'what ifs'? God i have a million of them

sorry, just feeling real sad today...DSS and the hospital are discussing placement for him....the hospital says 'group home' DSS says 'theraputic foster home'

we say 'theraputic foster home' because i dont want him institutionalized and alot of other reasons which i wont go into now...but its not up to us anymore....

i am so full of emotions right now from anger to sadness.....im still in some sort of denial, i know. it hasnt fully set in....

life is just not fair....its not fair that an adorable sweet 8 yr old boy, has to be in this much pain.

its not fair that he has to leave our family, the family that he came to believe was his 'forever family'....

how can people deal with this kind of pain?

sorry, just venting....just feeling very sad today....ive been avoiding this forum lately, kinda just lurking around, because i feel like i have nothing left to say.....

adoption is just plan sad...sadness where ever you look, there are just too many losses for these children.

can they ever heal?....

sad day

2004-08-24T07:35:00.000-07:00

sad day

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, i talked to DSS about their meeting and they feel that even with the risperdol that our history with our son wont change much.

their concern is that we have had such a hard time that even if he does repsond to the meds, that it wont be enough for us to feel like we can handle it.

they said that if we do take him back and the risperdol doesnt work, then the child will look at this as yet another failure (meaning, if we have to bring him back to the hospital)

i said that moving him on he will see it as a failure anyway and i feel that he will take this as more of a failure.

to make a long story short, they basically feel that the child should not live in our home with his brother.

because what 'IF' he is truama reactive then it just isnt fair for the boys to be together.

anyway, just want to bring you up to date.....we will act 'as if' while we visit our son.

i cant imagine how these two boys are going to take it.

my little one, is talking more then he has in a long time, but now im afraid he is regressing some...he keeps talking baby talk...i thought we went through that phase already...but what the heck....plus he is doing things to get our attention all the time.....making wrong choices to test us....

anyway, thanks for the ongoing support, i just hope they know what is best for my son, because at this point, i dont....

advice please: risperdol

2004-08-19T07:35:00.000-07:00

advise please re: risperdol

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again thanks everyone for all the support, but now im real angry.......

we went to the meeting yesterday regarding my older son. as we been discussing when and how to tell him about the disruption we started to talk about his treatment.

since we had him, after every hospital and RTC they discharge him and tell us that we need to look too put him on risperdol.

i have always advocated for them to try it when he has been admitted, but they are reluctant to do it, but say we should try this.

so here we are at this meeting, and after all is said and done, they said they are going to ween him some of his meds and put him on risperdol.

i got so angry!!!!!.......i actually blew up.....I asked what risperdol actually does and she said "kids with PTSD and explosive behaviors, the risperdol helps them to process the information better before exploding....."

example...as it is now "can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NOOOO, you cant tell me what to do!!!!!"

"then you cant ride your bike...."

FULL blown anger tantrum....

apparently with risperdol......

"can you please put your helmet on if your riding your bike"

"NO"

"you need to put your helmet on so you can be safe"

then at this point he might be able to understand what i am saying to him, becuase his brain will be slowed down...

(hope im making sence)

anyway....i said..."so here we are, removing him from our house, due to his explosive behaviors, and your telling me that your going to give him a drug that MIGHT help him with his explosive behaviors....isnt that what we have been asking all along"

they kept saying that it MIGHT help him, there is no guarentee...i kept saying..."well, if it might help him, then can we see first what it does so he doesnt have to be removed"

they said they dont think that could happen due to our history with him....

i understand what they are saying, i understand alot..but i dont see why we cant put off telling him for a while until we see if the risperdol works at all. only because this child does view us as his forever family (i told him that enough)

sorry for venting...we went to this meeting to come up with a plan for him because our decision is too disrupt and how this will all look...and then they tell us that they are going to put him on this medication that i have been advocating for since we had him which MIGHT help him slow his brain down so he can process the information that we are giving him.

so, heres my question...has anyone seen a major change in some of these kids on risperdol?

has risperdol really helped? i do feel my child might be bipolar, his birth mother was.

DSS said that they dont know if we can do it..they said he might look really good but still not be able to live in our family, which is fine...but should we just give this one more shot...

or am i setting us all too fail again, or am i living in a fantasy with the hope that this drug will help curve his anger enough to live with us...

please respond, i really need some advise here, they need to know.....

i want to look at everything....

6 days of hell

2004-07-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

6 days of hell

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well,

here we go again, our 8 yr old over the last 6 days have been increasingly getting worse.

the definace, the anger, the tantrums....its all getting way too much again.

we were doing pretty good for a while. he started a mood stablizer about 2 weeks ago, not sure if that has anything to do with it.

plus were moving, and even though the kids seem excited, i wonder how they are internalizing it. we try to explain we are all moving together and they seem fine with it and excited.

plus, we found respite, yeaaa..(i think), and we went for the day to meet them, and when we met them the kids went crazy..not sure if they thought this was going to be their new family or not..again, we try to explain but not sure what they are really feeling.

we had to call the BEST team monday night, (which is a pysh Emergency team, that actually come to your house) because he just wasnt stopping with the homicidal and sucidal threats and we were getting worried

but here we go again, the battles, battles, battles.

does it ever stop?

and as for my 6 yr old...well, when the 8 yr old is having a hard time, he becomes the best little boy in the world...which of course, makes it easier for us to deal with the 8 yr old) however...i dont like either....(if you saw him, you will understand)...kids arent suppose behave all the time....its painful to watch.

anyway, just thought id put this out there, we are starting to video tape these tantrums again, to have some back up in case we need it....

sometimes it feels like it will never end...

wizard of oz

2004-06-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

wizard of oz

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hi all,

i found this and thought id share it with you...ive been getting alot of stuff lately....

but its a story of hope...and sometimes, on those certain days when we just cant go on anymore...we manage to hold on to the hope...

hope you enjoy:

'The wizard of oz'

The life we chose is unlike that of friends and other families. At our time of choosing though, our hopes and dreams of family life could never have included the reality of the intensity and duration of the complicated tasks required of
us, never mind the frustration and exhaustion. This is a job beyond parenting.

It is a bit like Dorothy must have felt - caught up in a terrifying tornado,
plopped in a strange land and setting off on the Yellow Brick Road -
sure of
where she wanted to be, yet not sure of how to get there or even where she
was.

Oh, for a few moments of rest in that sea of poppies...!

But like Dorothy, we have found good company - fellow travelers with Heart,
Brains and most of all, abounding Courage. Like many others who have traveled to
OZ and despaired when we found no Wizard to fix it all, I have learned that
"commitment does sustain us."

Our children have such a difficult road of their own to follow. Their road is
darker in color and paved with irregular stones instead of bright yellow bricks.
Sometimes their road will circle and loop and twist back around, mazelike,
before they reach the gates of the Emerald City and they step into the ruby
slippers that will bring them back home.

I have actually found my way back to the farm in Kansas. Life is pretty close to
what I dreamed it would be those many years ago. My children are children no
longer. They have become adults whom I love and like. Adults with whom I share
history and memories that make us shake with laughter and shudder with the
remembering. I feel respected and am the recipient of thoughtfulness and
consideration.

So, for all of you still traveling the road, or those
feeling like dorothy from the ‘Wizard of Oz’ , "I am everywhere, but...I am
invisible"... take care of yourself in the best ways that you can. Keep showing
up. Keep staying in place. Remember what Dorothy learned - the road was made
more bearable with friends who shared their dreams.

setting limits

2004-06-21T07:31:00.000-07:00

setting limits

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ok....i have no idea on what to do..i followed every suggestion... but what if a child is just incapable of understanding...

what if the child might be bordeline mentally retarded...(which sometimes i wonder about my older son.)

he loves to please, but then there are the times that he just cant handle any limit set on him..

this weekend was tough and i am feeling so guilty. i really blew it but i got just so freaking tired of it.

i was getting dinner ready and i told them 5 mintues to clean up the toys in the yard and then dinner....

they said "ok"

so i had them repeat just what i said then i added if the toys arent cleaned, you know what happens to the toys...(the toys i pick up, i put in the basement and thats the end of them....the boys never like to clean their toys, so one of the things i want to do is limit their toys anyway, so this method acutally helps me solve two prolbems)

anyway, they repeated what i said

"3 min.

"2 min

"1 min

"ok, time to come in

"no daddy, we want to play, we are not hungry...."

"you need to come in!!!!"

i was so tired at this point due to the whole day with this crap..that i just went outside and picked them both up and put them in their rooms

they were screaming...i went outside and picked up their bikes, sleds, all their toys and threw them in the basement....

then iwent inside and they were trying to climb out the window to run away....

so i told them "you dont need to climb out the window, get out of the house, if you dont want to live here, then just go..."

so i escorted them both out....(i was so full of rage...) then i threw thier shoes out on the porch.....closed the door.

the younger one thought this was fun...but as time went on..the older one started to play again outside...

of course i got even more angry, because now, they were both playing outside.

then the older one came knocking and said he was sorry and wanted a hug...i said "no, not until we talk about what our expectations were and if you could not follow rules in our house then we can find antoher family where you can follow their rules better."

so he came in and we talked....

then the little one....he refused to have a family meeting

he kept saying "no"...

so i said, well, i can pack some clothes for you then.....

he said "no" but refused to come in and talk about it...

so i gave him his sneakers and closed the door.\

he then started walking down the street with his sneakers in h hand...

i got nervous so i followed him a ways so i would be out of sight..he got to the corner and just stood there....

meanwhile, the older son was screaming for him to come back...begging him to come back.....crying hysterical....

yelling at me to go get him because someone is going to steal him....

i finally came to my sences and realized that this was going on much to long and went to him and talked then carried him on my shoulders and brought him home

they both promised to listen (it isnt never going to happen, the proof of that was this morning)...

anyway, i feel so guilty, i just snapped and know i feel i just retraumitized them.

when do you admit that maybe you just cant parent kids with abused backgrounds....

somtimes i wonder if im just causing them more trauma and they will never heal.

both boys love us, and we love them....but how do you figure out that maybe both children would be better off with other parents that can deal with PTSD issues.

these kids just put us at the edge...

then comes to the setting limits..what if your child is just incapable of any limits...intelectually i mean..what if your child has no concept of it....

i have followed so many suggestions...i have even give them cold meals because they wouldnt come to dinner, i have even put them in luke warm water for their baths because they didnt come in time when the bath was hot...

i really dont know what else to do...they cant do chores...the older cant even get dress by himself...hes 8 yrs old....the only chore he has is to bring the dish to the sink after dinner...

nothng seems automatic with him..i have to tell him what to do exactly all the time....

anyway, im pooped, how do you set limits on certain kids when you look at them and wonder if they are just incapable of it due to their capabitilities....

oh,please dont make me feel guilty about what i did yesterday, i already do..i know it was wrong, but in the heat of anger, i just couldnt contain myself..

setting limits

2004-06-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

can you believe it?

2004-06-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

can u believe it?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, whos a proud dad today?...me thats who!!!

my 8 yr old sons school called the other day and said they were having a little party to end the school year and wanted to know if i can make it. they said they will be handing out awards to the kids and stuff.

so of course i said ill be there, to be honest, dredging it...another day where i have to leave work early.

but you gotta do what you gotta do...

plus, it would give me the opportunity to say thank you to his teacher and sped teachers, they really worked well with him and since we were moving i formally wanted to buy them a little gift and thank them for all the hard work they did with my son.

so i brought the camera, click click click....get those pictures for his life book of all his teachers...lol

ok, moving on..now comes the awards for the kids...well, im assuming all the kids were going to get an award....but only 5 of them got on.

well, guess what...my son got one....i couldnt believe it...click click click goes the camera.

he got it for excellence in math/geometric solds A master builder...(whatever that means...lol)

but i was so proud!!!!! so of course i ran to the nearest store and got a frame for it...lol

anyway, just thought id share it with you all. i am a proud dad today...

we finally told them

2004-06-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

we finally told them

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi guys,

it feels like a long time since ive been on...so i have a few updates to report..all positive.

first, we finally told our sons about their brothers. we told them in a "guess what? we have great news..." kinda way.

they were both thrilled. we did tell them that their baby brother was still with birthmom and my older son said "is he going to die?"

we assured him that there were people looking out and not to worry.

we brought our boys to visit their 3 yr old brother, who was adopted in another family already, and that turned out great.

there came a point when the little guy kept reaching out to my older son to pick him up...so he did... ..it amazed me how careful he was with him but just the fact he opened his arms to let his younger brother climb on him brought a tear to my eye. just to watch my older son be so gentle and loving, was amazing to me.

the boys adoptive mom said "wow, he has never done that to anyone"

maybe there is some biological thing that happens with siblings, i dont know, but this little guy just loved climbing on him.

it was a great day and all the kids had a great time...there were 6 boys...ages 3 - 9 ...so needless to say, it was high energy afternoon.

the adoptive mom has 3 bio boys...her hands were pretty full.

anyway...pictures pictures pictures...you know how that goes.

so now we have no more secrets, the boys know everything, the last secret we had was about their brothers.....

my younger son was thrilled also, but then went onto other things....they even look alike....my older son picked up on that pretty quick...

now, on to some more news....

we finally got to meet, the RTC and DSS and everyone agrees that we would be the perfect family for our older son...the RTC, which have been our greatest advocates up to this point, were stating to DSS that they will be coming up with a wrap-around service plan for us and our son and that they will be paying for it.

so the next three months, we will be discussing all the support that we will need in place before our son comes home, and that a 24 hour hotline to the RTC (which they have) will be part of it...so if he starts up with his issues, at any time, we could call and they can come and help....

they said that he will probably be in and out of resiendential for a very long time, and they will be there so he knows who they are and what to expect.

they always keep two beds open for respite, so all we have to do is call, and he can even stay a full weekened if we need just take a couple of days to breath.

they have noticed great improvments, as do we, but they said there will be some time when he will need to go back to them...

they will be doing sibling therapy, therapy in the home, having people come over to help with the kids...blah blah blah....

they want to keep him in school with them and they will get our town to pay for it.

it all just seems so hard to believe.

i know deep down that if we didnt disrupt, that our son would still be in limbo...as much as i hated the fact they didnt listen to me a while ago about his medications.....at least now he is getting the services he needs and we are not CRAZY or we wernt able to parent him because we didnt know what we were doing.

the RTC who has had him for this long, said there would be no parents to parent him without help. So that made us feel a little better.

this RTC is big on the RAD/PTSD stuff, and they said though he does have an "anxious attachment" he does not have RAD, it is very clear to them that he defintly has attached to us, and that he can attach.

his language processing issues are so severe that he just gets so easily frustrated because he just doesnt understand what is being asked or even for him to 'find his words'.

they really are not sure on some of his other issues...if you met him, you would know what i mean...he does have some odd behaviors, like wearing his clothes backwards, not because of his SI stuff believe it or not, he just doesnt even realize it....

it is actually one of his most endearing qualities, because he just doesnt know certain things...as much as you tell him, he still doesnt quite get it.

anyway, i went on and on....i just thought id give a quick update.

were moving

2004-06-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

were moving

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, this is it....our crazy clan are leaving boston and moving to framingham.....

our house is under agreement and we put our new house under agreement.

does anyone know about the schools in framingham? i have done alot of research, but i would love input from people who are real familiar with framingham schools and their SPED programs.

i feel it took so long to get my kids all the services in boston, and i dont want to start all over again.....looking for shortcuts..lol

can it really be true?

2004-05-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

can it really be true?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

well, its been crazy with the boys....

our older son seems to be settling in nicely.

the other day, i was sitting watching the boys fight. yes, thats write, fighting...

THey have been fighting alot over the last couple of weeks. weather it be toys, TV station...whatever.

they will start playing nice, then all of a sudden, come those scretching voices......"DADDY!!!!.......so and so hit me, so and so kicked me, so and so took my toy, so and so broke my toy.."

it just never ends....

anyway, so there i was watching them, kicking and screaming for me.......all of a sudden, it hit me...

my god, they are BROTHERS!!!!!

could it be true....could it be that things are normalizing a little. I know it sounds weird, but i think my boys, are becoming boys.....

anyway, is this what parenting of siblings is...breaking up the fights....lol

just thought id share that

ahhhh!!!!!!!! school problems

2004-04-27T07:23:00.000-07:00

AHHH!!!!!!! school problems

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ok...im just venting....my son just got out of a group home and came to live with us on friday....

one of the requirements that we had, was that he attend an afterschool program. I work full time and need my job in order to have a roof over our heads...

well, i found a great program....i mean great!!!!

we have been on the waiting list, and i finally got him a slot and he started yesterday...HE LOVES IT!!!!

i am so happy....but the peace that is missing, is that he needs transportation there.

I jsut got the call today from the public school, whch he attends, and they said they tried everything, but the school transportation is refusing to bring him there. they said it was out of zone..which i understand...

i tried to explain the importance of this program for him....he is 8 and still is in 1sat grade and hasnt gotten grades to even enter 2nd grade, due to all the problems he has had.

I AM SO ANGRY!!!

can this kid get a break anywhere....every thing this kid needs, i had too jump through 20 hoops just for thing....

i get so made..i work with the justice dept....my clients are drug addicts who are/or were incarcerated....

i can get them services, income, housing...everything they possilbe need...but i cant get an 8 yr old child anything.....

there is something terrible wrong with this country...

i called our mayors office....i am just about ready to explode....

sorry, but i need to vent...well, back on the phone again to call some more people....

i will keep calling to get him what he need....but when it could just be a request of service and he gets the service, i am freaking sick of all this bull crap....

hey, the state took him, the state should pay for this kid to get services

sorry to vent...but i think i had enough of these walls...

oh, here is the clincher....the bus company said to me "well, maybe you can bring him back to the group home until school is over,this way we can give him the transportation because its in the same town...."

WHAT ARE THEY THINKING..... this is a child....not just some inconvience

pull ups now?

2004-04-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

pull ups, now?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi,

ok....im baffled.

our 8 yr old has moved back in, and i posted this on another thread.

he has been bedwetting over the last month. he stopped doing it for a while, and the guy has been through so much in the last few months that i have not made an issue of this.

I still wont make an issue of this....so please dont post on how i should stop him...i dont care if he does.

but here is what i am asking....

is it ok to ask him to wear a pullup? or will that just crush him.

usually, i get him up in the night to go, only to find he peed everywhere, so he takes his sheets and puts them in his hamper in his room...we get cleaned up and he goes back to bed after i make his bed again.

is pull ups just too much for an 8 yr ld boy? he has not been wearing them for a while now.

could it be true

2004-04-15T07:22:00.000-07:00

could it be true?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

id just like to share something that i found so remarkable for my son.

last weekend we brought our sons to go kite flying at the beach. these kites soared through the air and we all had a great time..

well, the other day when my older son was over...i looked through his bookbag to see if he had any homework that he needed to get done. homework is not really a prioty to him, and he wouldnt even think about it unless i went through his bag.

anway, while i was looking, i stumbled on this piece of paper, it must of been a class project or something....he drew a picture of four people flying kites...

and he wrote:

"this is a picture of me and my family at the ocean flying kites. It was a fun day for all of us. "

i nearly died.....he has no idea why i hung it up...but i think he is getting that we are his 'forever family' now.....baby steps..write?

i know it doesnt seem much to alot of people, but it meant the world to us..

bedwetting

2004-04-05T07:22:00.000-07:00

bedwetting

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hi all,

well, as most of you know, my older son is finally getting ready to come home....we have been doing alot of sleepovers and dinners and stuff, though still rocky, seems much better then he was.

however, over the last few weeks, he has been peeing at night in our home as well as the group home. the odd thing is, his night terrors has stopped and the bedwetting started...

I usually take him to the bathroom before i go to bed, but it doesnt seem to help like it use to.

he feels real bad about it and doesnt know why it is happening.

here is my question, i am thinking that he is real nervous coming home again and all that goes with it.

He appears to feel real bad about it, and it doesnt appear that he is doing this on purpose. He has tried to cover it up by pulling his sheets off his bed and throwing them in the hamper, but then he sleeps on the mattress.

i know there are different opinions on wet bedding, but im willing to listen.

part of me thinks i should just ignore it, put clean sheets in his room and dont talk about it...

then the other part of me, which i did, is discuss it a little, with no shame attached, and just kinda made his bed with new sheets.

im pretty set on not making this an issue write now, but just looking for some others with some experience with this kind of situation.

respite?

2004-02-29T07:21:00.000-08:00

respite?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

well, im pooped....lol. We have adopted two boys with 'some'
issues. Had them for about 1 1/2 yrs now.

we are from hyde park in Boston, and looking for play dates, respite, or just hang out with other adults with special needs kids. Just let the kids go crazy in a park, where we can sit and breath and maybe have a cup of coffee...lol.

Is that asking to much?....

our kids have just turned 6 and 8. We dont care if your gay,
lesbian, straight, single....we just need a break now and
then!!!!....lol.

IM sure there are others that can use a break too.

i know its an odd request, especially from the internet, but we cant seem to find any thing. will you be our friend?.....lol

im sure there are other people out there in the same situation. My kids are great...honestly.....lol.

seriously, just looking for others in somewhat of the same situation we are in.

I belong to an AFT support group, but mostly their kids
are older or younger, or girls. my younger one doesnt like the girls yet....lol

anyway, id just throw that request out there.

also, does anyone know where to get a babysitter from? I know it sounds weird, but we cant find one. we have our single friends
babysit sometimes, but im looking for someone more consistant.

I put an ad on the BU internet, but i havnt gotten a bite. Any ideas?

We need a break....its been a while.....lol

we are not crazy people, well, it depends on who you ask...

medication question

2004-02-25T07:20:00.000-08:00

medication question

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as most know, my son was put on cylexa. however, the insurance wouldnt cover that, so they switched it to luvox.

i started him on it saturday night (its suppose to given before bed) so yesterday, tuesday, he had a little issue at preschool, throwing his pretzels around and then at the teacher.

then at night, he tantrumed for about 45 minutes because i didnt let him watch his favorite tv show (every show is his favorite)

he has been snapping more then usual with "i hate you" "youre mean" "i dont love you anymore"

He says these alot, but it has been constant the last couple of days.

however, he falls asleep easier and get up with no problems at all, where before we would have to drag him out of bed because he went to bed so late.

heres my question, could these be side effect after a couple of days, i know they say wait two weeks. Or is it just him being him and it was just a bad day which he has had in the past.

any idea? I might be looking to hard around side effects.

update

2004-02-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

update

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hi all,

just thought id give you an update on my older son. well, our visit didnt go so well today.

i decided to take them to the movies. He asked if he can play videos and then have play time.

i told him that there was no time for videos, but after the movie, we can have play time.

well, that ended up being a 20 min screaming match...only on his part......i just sat there.

then after the movie, i brought him home and told him we only had 15 min of play time because i had to bring him back. He went in his room to look for toys and couldnt find anything to play with. Then i said from the other room "you have 8 minutes left..."

then he started yelling again.

I told him to relax, and he is running out of time.....then he said "NO!!! ill leave when im ready and shut up!!" He did the "I hate you" stuff...

then i calmed him down and brought him back. Not really sure what happened. He gets in this mind set....and doesnt seem to be able to get out of it.

i ended up picking him up and sitting him on my knee and talked to him, and he calmed down...

but the kid just told me to shut up and i am picking him up and hugging him.......'attachment issue'

i dont know...sad day here, it was going so well for a while. He will be doing a sleep over next weekend. maybe he is nervous about it, but i dont think thats it.

cylexa-medication

2004-02-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

cylexa-medication

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yesterday, my sons psych put him on an anti-depressant called cylexa....10 mg

everyone from his teacher to his therapist have stated that they feel he needs to be on something because he is so anxious.

his psych also felt that he was depressed.

has anyone out there had their child on this med? I looked up the side effects, but it was adult based......anything i should be looking for?